Some progress

Some progress
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Ok. Some good progress.

He got back into town on Wed. but we didn't get much of a chance to talk about anything until last night. I let him see I am sad. Then it starts. He holds me many times for long periods of time. He said he's been thinking about how he doesn't want to hurt our daughter. He said after he talked to her on the phone while he was out of town, he had to cry because he does not want to hurt her. ANd he said, "And Sweetie I know I'll hurt you too, I know I will." He said then when he came back into town and came home, he still didn't feel *anything* for me. He said it doesn't feel like his home, he's sorry he doesn't feel anything for me. That was **HARD** for me to hear, but there's more...

He started crying and again repeated how I deserve "SO MUCH BETTER; you just don't know." He said he would probably have to move away from us if we part because we live in a small town and so many people would "judge" him - which I bet they would - after all, why in the world would he leave his young family who loves him? He cried when he kept saying they would "judge" him. I just listened. So his mind is starting to process things which I ALREADY processed a long time ago, the reality of the situation. He'd have to move, be apart from us, from his daughter.

Another moment later I looked very sad again, about to cry, just thinking about what he said about not feeling anything for me. I said, "I just don't know what I've done wrong." He just listened, held my hand, we were quiet after that.

I told him he had asked what I wanted him to do and I said I have an appt Mon morning. I said, if he'll just go w/ me, he doesn't even have to say anything, just attend....or maybe even go by himself, and I never have to know what they talk about, the therapist can't tell me because it's confidential. I borrowed someone's words from here and said, "I will never rush you, or force you or make you feel bad." He hasn't yet given an answer but he didn't say no. And if it doesn't happen this Mon., then maybe later, and that's fine too. At least I said it and he quietly listened and didn't get angry or run.

He's reaching out a lot to me, physically. He holds my hand a lot, his initiative. He hugs me, holds me for long periods of time. Maybe he's finally thinking about what he REALLY stands to lose. Finally realizing.

It is my hope that his non-feelings for me are caused by confusion, or whatever, not really because he does not love me anymore. This is the hardest thing for me to withstand. Certain things he says are "I do care for you," "I don't feel "close" to you," "I don't feel anything when we hug, I'm so sorry." The last thing he said this morning before leaving for work, he hugged me for a long time again, and then said, "We'll see how it goes."

About the pillow he puts between us....well, I kind of blew it because I got offline when he got home last night and didn't wait for you all to answer. We were sitting on the couch and I just picked up the pillow and said, "I hate this thing!" and sort of tossed it. So, I aim to restore it tonight by putting it next to him again. I felt really bad about doing that after I read that it is like a security object for him, as for a little child, a teddy bear. I would be happy to buy him a stuffed animal, but I sort of feel like he would look at me like I'm crazy if I did, so we'll wait on that one....maybe when he gets further along or something. I don't know.

So.......probably more positives than negative. I think definitely. But I am still reeling over the "not feeling anything for you" one. Maybe only our daughter will be the thing he will not risk. But I'm still there for him. Do you think his "wall" is preventing him from feeling anything for me? Is this common? Most of you seem to still know you loved your wives even though you had the wall up. ?????????
 
i think right now he is numb. it isnt just you he doesnt feel anything for, it is life. when too many painful emotions come at you, you just go numb. then you dont feel anything. you just feel flat, unemotional, so deeply sad it goes beyond expressing.

i have said a little prayer for you two. i hope and pray you can get through this.

your brother,
jeff
 
Brokenhearted,

There are so many tender and caring moments in the events you describe in your post. Don't these count as much as what he actually says?

When he says he doesn't feel anything for you and doesn't feel the house is his home, that sounds to me like he WANTS to feel these feelings, but searches in his heart and finds nothing. That can easily be the numbness that Jeff refers to; the real problem may be that he feels nothing positive for anyone or anything.

That would be a classic defensive tactic for a survivor: feelings hurt like the abuse hurt, so the survivor has to raise up his walls as high as possible and feel nothing. Refusing to feel anything, regardless of the source, reflects his perception that pain is coming at him from every direction.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? The focal problem here is this numbing out, not a lack of love or caring for you in particular.

I think you are right to see these events as progress - painful progress, yes, but moving forward in recovery is so often like that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted,

Not feeling is one of the things that my b/f tells me all the time. It's heart wrenching to hear but I also believe it's completely bogus.

I see him get excited about his career, his new business, about the Mets :D , I watch him laugh till the tears fall (this one is too infrequent, but it happens) I see that little devil smile when he takes me in his arms, I see the tears for others who hurt and sometimes, I see them for himself. Despite all of this and more, he tells me he doesn't feel.

I think, at least as far as he is concerned, that when I point out these things, he closes up to "prove" to me that he doesn't feel. How F'd up is that?! I don't deny that he doesn't feel things as I do, but he does feel. Denying those feelings is something he learned to do quite effectively to protect himself and letting go of that denial is excruciatingly hard for him to do because the little boy in him believes it's very dangerous. The little boy was right then, the man is wrong now, but the man never learned. I can't imagine that place. Your husband may be having the same horrible dilema.

Just a thought.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Wow, you all make me think so much.

It seems he is just "not feeling" with regard to me. Because he does get excited about work stuff. But sometimes he does seem a little depressed in general. I know he cares for me. I know he must be numbing me out because I'm the closest person to him.

Is it something he learned to do that is related to dissociation? Numbing out at will? I don't know how to do it so I thought it must be a learned skill.

Or, Trish, denial of feelings. That's an interesting thought. If it's true then he knows he's lying to me when he says he feels nothing. Hmmm.
 
Brokenhearted,

I don't think denial and lying are exactly the same thing. Someone who is color blind can be told that the shirt in front of them is bright yellow, but they see it as grey. They know you're telling them the truth, that it's yellow, but it's not what they see, so therefore, it's grey. The person who is color blind isn't lying when they tell you the shirt is grey, it's what they see.

Now, if you're dealing with a 6 year old, he'll fight you tooth and nail because he can't possibly understand that what he sees isn't the truth. It takes time and growth to learn that their eyes are playing a weird trick on them and that they just aren't seeing the world as the majority of others do. Our adult survivors are dealing with their truths as their young minds saw them. They never learned otherwise.

I don't know if this analogy exactly works, but it's the best one I could think of.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
Trish,

I think you're on the right track there. Perhaps another analogy would be that a hurting survivor sometimes finds himself thinking with the intellectual tools of adulthood but working with the emotional skills of the abused boy he was years ago.

On denial and lying I like your comparison with perception of colors. I really do think it's a matter what someone "sees".

Much love,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top