Some issues, struggles, blessings and progress

[parttimecop]

Alot of this may belong in the religous forum. But since it also deals with general issues of recovery and relationships I think I will post it here. Alot has been going on in my life.

Two weeks ago on june 4th my grandmother died at age 87. Part of me feels guilty for not crying. But I feel she was ready to go home, and that this world did not have much left for her. I have had tears in my eyes, but I pulled them back in. I worry this is part of how I deal with things, the wall that us survivors build up inside ourselves. Partly I did it because I needed to be strong to help my dad and my sister deal with it.

Though I have been growing alot closer to God and feeling his hand more in my life. The wall or trust issue still intrudes. I have trouble letting God in. I have more faith now than in a long long time. But I still do not feel God fulling dwelling in my heart. I feel it is because of the problem I have trusting and opening up. Not just because of the abuse, but because of other things where trust was violated or my hopes came crashing down.

One thing I feel so good about is I am finally in a relationship that might lead to marriage. While we only went on our first real date the tuesday before Nana died(she died on friday) early this month it still seems like we are a good match. We share similar religious beliefs, have a mutual attraction, have similar music tastes. I would not yet say I love her, but I do feel we are very compatable. She is a bit reserved because of some issues in her past, but her family has told me that she really likes me. I feel so blessed. But I still feel a bit of cognitive dissonance. I guess because I have wanted a relationship for so long and had such poor self esteem with regards to relationships that it is hard to imagine something so good happening to me. But when I see her smile, it makes me happy. What I worry about is bringing down those walls when it is time to really feel love. I pray to God that those walls can come down.

One positive step for me is I am working a program to help with my pornography addiction. It is a religious based program and is generally in keeping with my beliefs. If you wish the website just PM me. This program is partly responsible for me being closer to God.

 

[Leosha]

I am sorry about your grandmother. My gran died in December of 2002, and I do miss her, because she was always part of my life. But you are right, I'm sure, that life did not have much more for her at her age. I hope she lived happy.

It sounds like you are doing wonderful things with your life, making stronger relationships with yourself, God, and others. I wish you good luck with your lady friend. Going slow and just enjoying it, step by step, is a good way.

Leosha

 

[fusionoflove]

parttime cop,

One thing I've learned about recovery is that all of us use different means to accomplish our goal. Thank God, because it really shows how different we are.

My happy that God and/or religion has really taken a strong position in your life. More importantly, that you want it that way.

I hope your relationship goes well with your new lady friend.

Take it easy,
Fusion

 

[faceinthecrowd]

cop,sorry to hear the bad news.my grandmother passed away last summer.good luck with the girl,it sounds promising.Rom. 10:17 says that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.read it,God's strength is there............faceman

 

[outis]

Parttimecop,

Sorry to hear about your grandmother.

It's nice to hear about your friend. It does sound like a lot of good things in common, the kind of things that can help you over the long haul. I hope it will be a good relationship for both of you.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Mike Church]

PTC. Your gran may be gone from view but she will always be in your heart and soul. She is a forever will be a part of you.

The lady sounds facinating and I wish the both of you a happiness on which to build.