Some good, some bad (some triggers perhaps)
Good morning. I wished to say hello, as I have someone to help me speak here right not.
I know that there was recent loss here,of a fellow member. I did not know this person, it is true I know few persons here because of communication difficulties. But all who are here create the spirit which exist here, and he was part of that. For that, I thank him, and also will miss what he contribute to here. I know he was a good man as there are no other here. My heart, I give to those who knew this man better, who were his friends and who loved him. I am most sorry for the loss you suffer now.
I feel rather selfish, to say, after that, that for me it is been rather good several days. Is it nature, to feel guilt and for need to apologize for good moments? With all the pain of others, I feel most undeserving to have the few good days. But it is been. My neck, it is not felt so good for months, and the rest of my body follows, in not that there is no pain, but less. I can handle pain, I can live with pain, I always have. But more recent has been quite unbearable, and I am quite happy just to return to 'normal' pain level. I will see two doctors, today and tomorrow, who will hopefully assist me even further with this, and I am most greatful to them and to sciences in general!
Emotional, it is difficult to me, because so much, I am not familiar with speaking my emotions so much. So then, I do it, to come here and speak and be understood so good here, I rather am finding I expect it of everone I meet. That do not happen. The lady I would like much to be in a relationship with, and perhaps am in some way, she is having much difficulty in dealing with my past history (what she know of, she do not know of everthing), and with me myself. I try very much to not be of negative moods and emotion, and I try much to control my issues, but there are things, the flashbacks, the 'triggers', that I can not yet control.I know that frightens her, and I understand that, as it frightens me also. And I regret that the past, it does not allow me always to be the man she wish me to be.
The other night, we go to dinner with some friends, and afterward go dancing and listening to music some. And she is in mood for being romantic, however, my emotions are not in the place to be able to handle closer physical contact right then. And it upset her, and I try to explain myself to her, that it is not anything of her doing, it is within me. And she say to me 'oh, I understand, I understand that we can not have sexual relations because you could not say 'no' to your mother'. Those words come from this woman, and it felt as she has stabbed me in the heart. I was stunned, did not know at all what to say, but I did become angry and wished to say something specific to hurt her. I didn't, but it upset me very much that my thoughts would go even to that option, to wish to cause emotional hurt to someone I care much about. I did not know what to say, I still do not. We have not spoken since then. I fear very much now of her to know anything else of me and my past. I fear the more I share with her, the more she will have to hurt me again.
It is almost time to be going about the events of the day, so I leave these thoughts here. I thank you all who read or respond to me here. It is a feeling I have, I am blessed for this place. Thank you.
VN
I know that there was recent loss here,of a fellow member. I did not know this person, it is true I know few persons here because of communication difficulties. But all who are here create the spirit which exist here, and he was part of that. For that, I thank him, and also will miss what he contribute to here. I know he was a good man as there are no other here. My heart, I give to those who knew this man better, who were his friends and who loved him. I am most sorry for the loss you suffer now.
I feel rather selfish, to say, after that, that for me it is been rather good several days. Is it nature, to feel guilt and for need to apologize for good moments? With all the pain of others, I feel most undeserving to have the few good days. But it is been. My neck, it is not felt so good for months, and the rest of my body follows, in not that there is no pain, but less. I can handle pain, I can live with pain, I always have. But more recent has been quite unbearable, and I am quite happy just to return to 'normal' pain level. I will see two doctors, today and tomorrow, who will hopefully assist me even further with this, and I am most greatful to them and to sciences in general!
Emotional, it is difficult to me, because so much, I am not familiar with speaking my emotions so much. So then, I do it, to come here and speak and be understood so good here, I rather am finding I expect it of everone I meet. That do not happen. The lady I would like much to be in a relationship with, and perhaps am in some way, she is having much difficulty in dealing with my past history (what she know of, she do not know of everthing), and with me myself. I try very much to not be of negative moods and emotion, and I try much to control my issues, but there are things, the flashbacks, the 'triggers', that I can not yet control.I know that frightens her, and I understand that, as it frightens me also. And I regret that the past, it does not allow me always to be the man she wish me to be.
The other night, we go to dinner with some friends, and afterward go dancing and listening to music some. And she is in mood for being romantic, however, my emotions are not in the place to be able to handle closer physical contact right then. And it upset her, and I try to explain myself to her, that it is not anything of her doing, it is within me. And she say to me 'oh, I understand, I understand that we can not have sexual relations because you could not say 'no' to your mother'. Those words come from this woman, and it felt as she has stabbed me in the heart. I was stunned, did not know at all what to say, but I did become angry and wished to say something specific to hurt her. I didn't, but it upset me very much that my thoughts would go even to that option, to wish to cause emotional hurt to someone I care much about. I did not know what to say, I still do not. We have not spoken since then. I fear very much now of her to know anything else of me and my past. I fear the more I share with her, the more she will have to hurt me again.
It is almost time to be going about the events of the day, so I leave these thoughts here. I thank you all who read or respond to me here. It is a feeling I have, I am blessed for this place. Thank you.
VN
