Some bittersweet Mozart (triggers?)
In a private conversation with another member a little while ago, the topic of how our abusers robbed us of a normal sexual awakening came up. That is very much how I feel, and it’s something I see over and over in other men here. Instead of what would otherwise have been a kind of gradual unfolding conducted at our own pace, under our own control, there was an intense zap creating a jagged line between an innocent before and an experienced after.
The question of innocence, and how it might melt away in puberty under “normal” circumstances, made me think of a song that’s been in my head a lot lately, my favorite aria from Mozart’s “Marriage of Figaro,” “Voi che sapete.” Back in college, I listened to this opera over and over, but hadn’t given it much of a thought since -- until around the time I joined this group, when this tune in particular began floating into my head on an endless loop.
It's a beautiful melody, sung by the character Cherubino, a page. The part's traditionally a "trouser role," a mezzo-soprano in men's clothes playing a pubescent boy whose voice has not yet broken. (“He” does end up getting dressed in drag as a girl a couple times, though. The plot’s…convoluted.) Cherubino is winningly innocent and romantic. His girlfriend is Barbarina, the gardener’s daughter, but he also has a puppy-dog crush on the Countess, a much older woman (she’s just amused, not particularly interested, and works things out so he ends up with Barbarina). It’s clear he's in that "I'm perfectly happy with just kissing for three straight hours" stage of male sexual development. In act two, the aria "voi che sapete" is where he takes a moment to tell everyone what his deal is.
The text goes like this:
Voi, che sapete che cosa è amor,
Donne, vedete s'io l'ho nel cor!
Quello ch'io provo, vi ridirò,
È per me nuovo; capir nol so.
Sento un affetto pien di desir,
Ch'ora è diletto, ch'ora e martir.
Gelo, e poi sento l'alma avvampar,
E in un momento torno a gelar.
Ricerco un bene fuori di me,
Non so chi il tiene, non so cos'è.
Sospiro e gemo senza voler,
Palpito e tremo senza saper,
Non trovo pace notte nè di,
Ma pur mi piace languir così!
In English:
You ladies, who know what love is,
See if I have it in my heart!
I'll tell you what I'm going through,
It's new to me; I can't understand it.
I feel a liking full of desire
That now is pleasure, now is agony.
I freeze, and then feel my soul burning,
And in another moment go back to freezing.
I look for a good outside myself,
I don't know who has it, I don't know what it is.
I sigh and groan without wanting to,
I quiver and tremble without knowing it,
I find no peace night or day,
And yet I like suffering this way!
Woah, right?
Anyway, I decided to head to Youtube to see what versions are out there these days, aside from my beloved Anne Sofie von Otter rendition (Georg Solti conducting, 1981). And I came across the performance below, by a Norwegian treble named Aksel Rykkven. It gutted me. He’s a Cherubino who’s actually more or less Cherubino's purported age. The piano’s a bit out of tune, but his voice isn’t, and he acts the aria so sincerely. You can tell it’s something he’s probably living himself.
What really gets me, and made me think of posting it here, is how this music works a kind of magic. Hearing Mozart’s evocation of an experience I’ve long felt as if I didn’t really have is somehow cathartic. Yeah, ok, my version of the coming of age described in this aria was twisted up in all sorts of ways involving self-hatred, fear of intimacy, abuse-related SSA, and shame. Nevertheless, hearing that part of life presented in an achingly pure form, for some reason, makes it possible for me to recognize some of that blooming sweetness in the weedy garden I ended up with. The contrast makes me sad, but because it’s not a matter of night-and-day, just a well-tended flowerbed versus a badly-tended one, it’s also a kind of odd comfort.
I’m not sure if I should put a Trigger Warning on this video or not. For me it’s beautiful if also bittersweet, but I don’t know how others might respond.
Here's the link:
Aksel Rykkven sings "Voi che sapete"
The question of innocence, and how it might melt away in puberty under “normal” circumstances, made me think of a song that’s been in my head a lot lately, my favorite aria from Mozart’s “Marriage of Figaro,” “Voi che sapete.” Back in college, I listened to this opera over and over, but hadn’t given it much of a thought since -- until around the time I joined this group, when this tune in particular began floating into my head on an endless loop.
It's a beautiful melody, sung by the character Cherubino, a page. The part's traditionally a "trouser role," a mezzo-soprano in men's clothes playing a pubescent boy whose voice has not yet broken. (“He” does end up getting dressed in drag as a girl a couple times, though. The plot’s…convoluted.) Cherubino is winningly innocent and romantic. His girlfriend is Barbarina, the gardener’s daughter, but he also has a puppy-dog crush on the Countess, a much older woman (she’s just amused, not particularly interested, and works things out so he ends up with Barbarina). It’s clear he's in that "I'm perfectly happy with just kissing for three straight hours" stage of male sexual development. In act two, the aria "voi che sapete" is where he takes a moment to tell everyone what his deal is.
The text goes like this:
Voi, che sapete che cosa è amor,
Donne, vedete s'io l'ho nel cor!
Quello ch'io provo, vi ridirò,
È per me nuovo; capir nol so.
Sento un affetto pien di desir,
Ch'ora è diletto, ch'ora e martir.
Gelo, e poi sento l'alma avvampar,
E in un momento torno a gelar.
Ricerco un bene fuori di me,
Non so chi il tiene, non so cos'è.
Sospiro e gemo senza voler,
Palpito e tremo senza saper,
Non trovo pace notte nè di,
Ma pur mi piace languir così!
In English:
You ladies, who know what love is,
See if I have it in my heart!
I'll tell you what I'm going through,
It's new to me; I can't understand it.
I feel a liking full of desire
That now is pleasure, now is agony.
I freeze, and then feel my soul burning,
And in another moment go back to freezing.
I look for a good outside myself,
I don't know who has it, I don't know what it is.
I sigh and groan without wanting to,
I quiver and tremble without knowing it,
I find no peace night or day,
And yet I like suffering this way!
Woah, right?
Anyway, I decided to head to Youtube to see what versions are out there these days, aside from my beloved Anne Sofie von Otter rendition (Georg Solti conducting, 1981). And I came across the performance below, by a Norwegian treble named Aksel Rykkven. It gutted me. He’s a Cherubino who’s actually more or less Cherubino's purported age. The piano’s a bit out of tune, but his voice isn’t, and he acts the aria so sincerely. You can tell it’s something he’s probably living himself.
What really gets me, and made me think of posting it here, is how this music works a kind of magic. Hearing Mozart’s evocation of an experience I’ve long felt as if I didn’t really have is somehow cathartic. Yeah, ok, my version of the coming of age described in this aria was twisted up in all sorts of ways involving self-hatred, fear of intimacy, abuse-related SSA, and shame. Nevertheless, hearing that part of life presented in an achingly pure form, for some reason, makes it possible for me to recognize some of that blooming sweetness in the weedy garden I ended up with. The contrast makes me sad, but because it’s not a matter of night-and-day, just a well-tended flowerbed versus a badly-tended one, it’s also a kind of odd comfort.
I’m not sure if I should put a Trigger Warning on this video or not. For me it’s beautiful if also bittersweet, but I don’t know how others might respond.
Here's the link:
Aksel Rykkven sings "Voi che sapete"
Last edited: