So why does this one hurt more?

So why does this one hurt more?
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Considering all the memories I've recovered, and all the horrible crap I went through at the hands of my perp, why is it that one mini-flashback of what was a (relatively) minor act hurt so damn much now?

I thought that it'd be getting easier, and it is in many ways, but there are days when it hurts so Goddamn much. Too much. And what's worse is that I feel stupid for believing all my abuser's lies. I know I was a kid, and I'm looking at things through adult eyes, but knowing and feeling are two different things.

Why did the memories come back? What can I possibly do with them? I can't confront the scumbag, I can't sue the school, I don't feel comfortable going completely public, and there's no good that has come of ANY of this.

You know, I realize I've made progress, I know I'm healing, but there are days like this.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to have him in my head forever. I hope not, because I don't think I can live with it.

Scot

P.S. No, I didn't mention what the flashback was about. I went into too much detail this weekend, and I feel guilty about anyone who may have triggered reading it. I don't want that on my mind either.
 
Scot,

Sometimes it helps to go into detail. If you are concerned about triggering someone, post your detailed descriptions of flashbacks, etc. in the "Survivors' Stories" forum. I have also seen posts in the "Male Survivors" forum that begin with a heading in all caps warning that the post might be triggering to some. My best wishes to you.

Mary
 
Scot

I am sorry that you are having a hard time of it today. I guess some days are like that. When I have a day like that it seems to me to be like backsliding or something like that, like all the progress I've made is meaningless.

Maybe I will always have bad days but maybe the worst of them will gradually become less and less intense.

I don't think the perps will ever pay for what they did. The only reason I would get involved again is if I think they are in a position to hurt other kids. Then I am going to do everything in my power to out them and doing everything I can to protect other kids from them.

Will there ever be any kind of complete peace for me? I don't know. Will there ever be a time when I am completely free of the fear that I was somehow responsible? I don't know. Will there ever be a time when I can look back and say that I can't remember the last time I felt bad about what happened to me and was depressed by it? I doubt it.

Sorry this is so dismal, not very encouraging I know. I guess I am just saying that what keeps me going is hope and the belief in a better tomorrow (as strained as that belief is sometimes.)

Brett
 
Scot, sorry things are tough. If it helps, I can relate somewhat to what you are saying.

I do not have that many memories, but a relatively minor act, borderline really, is what gets to me the most. I have some idea why, but it is still confusing. I mean, so many people would consider it harmless, but it suffocates me...even though there are "worse" (more violating and more violent) memories that compete.

Secondly, I think that this emotional roller coaster in Memoryland causes a seasickness as vominous as the the acts themselves. That is to say, when I'm down, I can't imagine being up again. And when I'm fine, I think I'll stay that way. Then, sooner or later, things change totally and without warning. But I never learn. When I'm fine, knowing that things have flopped before never prepares me for the next unseen descent. When I'm low, knowing that things always have always gotten better just isn't covincing.

One week ago, I was thinking self-hate was putting it too nicely. Today, I consider mysef "cured."

OK, I'm not replying to you just to share my own confusion. What I'm trying to say is just what this site is all about: "You're not alone."

Scot, I have only been getting help here for a few weeks, but your words have already helped me immeasurably. Your wisdom and honesty have contributed to my healing--may they continue to facilitate yours as well.

L2R
 
Scot
I don't have the magic answer as to why some memories hurt more than others but in my case I have learned a few things over the past two years.
1. it seem that for me memories of the abuse are easier to deal with.
2. flashbacks and "body memories" of the abuse send me into a tailspin for a few days, but it always passes
3. memories of the psychological things he did to keep me coming back for more abuse are the MOST difficult for me to deal with. They go to the heart of who I see myself as today. I do not want to be that gullable kid anymore. These memories often make me feel stupid because I bought into all his lies about loving me, etc. My friends and my T always remind me that I was a child then and that I am an adult now! It is little comfort at the time but as I work through each memory I have to admitt that it is the answer that always brings me the most comfort in the end.
I have a very difficult time remembering that I was 9 and did not have the wisdom that I have today when I was dealing with this extremely confusing situation. Hope that helps if nothing else just to know that you are not alone in feeling like this.
Hang in there and know we care.
Ron
 
Scot
Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to have him in my head forever. I hope not, because I don't think I can live with it.
Click to expand...
My view is that we can't force ourselves to forget, god knows I've tried. So the best I can do is have the memories on MY TERMS.
And as I move to an acceptance of having the memories - maybe permanently ? , and an acceptance of the content of those memories, and, most importantly, my level of guilt and shame attached to them; then the memories are fading fast.

I've found that not fighting them, but being hyper-critical of them and discovering the truth of my role in them has made them so unimportant that they barely surface any more.

And what's worse is that I feel stupid for believing all my abuser's lies. I know I was a kid, and I'm looking at things through adult eyes, but knowing and feeling are two different things.
Click to expand...
That's the important thing to work on, and you KNOW what the truth is, you tell us all in your post - LIES, THEIR LIES !

The flashbacks are a problem though, and my worst ones were the ones relating to all the peripheral stuff - not the sex.
Things like the lies, and the emotional blackmail - that's always been the strong flashbacks for me.
The sex I always remembered in great detail, I used it as fantasy so I got used to it.
But the other stuff used to come in flashbacks - like being hit by a train. Still does occasionally, but I know what it is now, and I'm not afraid to ask for some help and support through the bad bits anymore.

Dave
 
Scot,

It is terrible that you must relive all the hell, but reliving it and remembering it is your brain's way of healing itself, and moving past it, in time it will get better, and the pain and flashbacks will get less, I know it is hard to believe, but try to believe it, because it is true. I believe the reason the so caled 'minor acts' bother us as much if not more than the major ones, is kind of like when a person is tied up, it doesn't hurt so bad when you are tied, the pain gets much wose when the ropes are taken away, in the same way, you were so used to the major things and have, for want of a better phrase, gotten used to them, but now the minor acts are coming out and wreaking havoc with your mind. Do not beat yourself up for believing his lies, I believe we all believe their lies, I know I do, just give it time and you will heal with the love and support around you.

scott
 
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. I can relate, greatly, and I know that with me, it is 'reletively minor' thing that does hurt me most I think. My father, he was always hurtful to us, I did not expect different of him. Same of my coach. But there were things that my mom did, things that did not cause physical hurt to me like other two, but that did cause more hurt, because it was her. Because I loved her, and believed in her and trusted her, and so her betraying me is worse then them.

I am not sure if it is similar situation for you, but I just wished you to know that I can relate some. I hope that you are doing better now.

leosha
 
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