So when do the memories stop? (TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

Ah, me, the wonders of repressed memories.

You know, it's not the truly horrible moments that get me down now (maybe because I've gotten so used to them in my head. THERE'S a cheery thought!). It's the relatively MINOR crap that comes back. Minor in the sense of comparing the OTHER stuff to this. maybe because I was more confused and taken aback than actually frightened. Maybe because the fear started then when I also felt genuine love for him.

TRIGGERALLERTTRIGGERALLERTTRIGGERALLERTTRIGGERALLERT

Example, before the forced oral sex, before the truly hurtful things he did, I remember trying to say "no" to Mr. P. When he first took off my clothes to fondle me, I asked him not to, but he said that it was all right and he laid me down on his stupid f**king yellow couch to do it. Between necking and him on top of me, there was no way I COULD stop him. I didn't scream or anything, I just remember saying "no" and "stop it," and him saying "it's all right." I, like an IDIOT, bought it, even though I knew it was wrong.

ENDTRIGGERENDTRIGGERENDTRIGGERENDTRIGGERENDTRIGGER


I wonder sometimes, when does it end? When will the memories stop coming back? When will it be all over.

Sometimes, these flashbacks are like rape by remote control. I'll NEVER be free of him. Of them all.



Scot

 

[MikeNY]

Scot, new memories surfacing or additional details to old ones are much different than flashbacks and reliving things which you are already aware of and know. When new memories or details surface, it is actually good to an extent. It signals that your body and mind are strong enough to work with them and face them. It means that you are healing. It means that you are getting stronger. repression, dissociation, and many other things are the minds way of protecting you from things that you are not emotionally ready to work with.

 

[fusionoflove]

Crisispoint,

I've often wonder the same thing. When will it all end?!

Yep, one of things I started to remember in my therapy is how I truly felt during the attack. How I wanted it to end, that it felt unnatural and disgusting, and how it was devoid of all meaning.

I don't think the memories ever go away. It's like a wound. It heals and maybe a scar forms. One day, you'll think man, it's just a scar, but it's healed.

That's kind of what's happening right now for everyone, we thought a scar would just form and we would all move on, but it's been an open wound all this time. Love, my friend, is the only way to truly heal a wounded heart and soul.

Go with your feelings and thoughts. Don't fight them. Remember we're all on a different path and our recovery will be at a different pace. As MikeNY said, you're healing, as we all are.

The best advice I can give myself and others is that I'm happy that it's happening now instead of later. One more day here equals one less day in the future.

Take it easy.
Fusion

 

[Lloydy]

I don't think the memories will ever go away, look how hard we've tried to make them go away. We can't force ourselves to forget unfortunately.

What we can do though is process the memories, and seperate the facts from the fiction - and the lies.
So regaining new memories is one of the tools we can use to get at the truth of what happened to us, it helps us to piece together the whole thing, however painfull, and see just who was in the wrong.

The truth is our most powerful tool in dealing with our memories. Like you I was made to perform acts that I protested about at the time, but through fear, coercion, and all the other tricks perps use, I did as I was told.
And as an adult I had stronger memories of the sex than of the defence mechanism I used ( giving in to protect myself from being beaten )
So that was my dominant thought - "I wanted it".
The truth is I did protest, I didn't want it. But I only see that now I have the complete picture of what happened clearly in my head, now I see the fear as well.

It was painful getting here, but worth it. My memories are very clear, I can remember minute details of what happened and what was said. But the memories no longer bother me, because I remember the truth.

Dave

 

[Archnut]

In my experience (I maybe totally wrong) they never go away I just find better and different ways to deal with them some negative some not so.

After a while you find the thing that actually works for you. In my case I get on and off the alcohol wagon even though I know Its slowly killing me.

Drink! Cunning, baffling and powerful and dont i know it

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers) https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com