So when do I feel absolved? (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

When I saw the "Infidelity" thread in "Friends & Family," it got me started thinking about the two times I "acted out" (without KNOWING at the time I was acting out!). I've always felt guilty about it, particularly since I knew both of the guys were married. I've thought about the women and children I hurt, probably without them KNOWING I hurt them, but still, and believed I "got what I deserved" when I recalled the rape by one of them.

I've felt shame, pain, hurt, humiliation, dirty, disgusted, the whole bit. I've even felt horror at what I KNOW about one of them and what the wife, and possibly his kids, might be enduring at the hands of this monster. I've tried to make peace with the fact that I did this and I'm not a "bad person" for making these mistakes. I've even asked forgiveness from people this happened to even though I wasn't the one who did it to them.

So why do I still feel so horribly about it?

When do I get to feel absolution for something I regret and have tried to atone for?

When do I get forgiven, even though I've PAID for my sin with rape and horror?



Peace and love,

Scot

 

[Bill_1965]

Scot,

Hard love time.

It is never alright to break into the bounds of holy matramony in this manner. Even if the other person is more than willing and is the one advocating it. You wouldn't hand a loaded gun to a person that wanted to commit suicide. There is no excuse for infidelity on their part or partaking in theirs.

What he did to you was even more inexcusable. It was them that did this to there families, not you. You were assisting them in their betrayal of their families. Back to what the one did to you - absolutely inexcusable. This did more harm to his family than anything you could have thought about doing.

Why do you feel horrible about it? Because it was a rotten thing to do. On two levels. First you were "acting out", this will make you feel horrible after the fact. Second, you partook in someone else's betrayal of their families. Why it hurts still, you have been blessed with an concious. That is a good thing.

When do you get absolution? When do you get forgiven? You should have it, now to feel it. You have confessed your sins and you have made effort to not do it again. We all make mistakes and sin. For we are human.

Are you mistaking the pain of the rape to be punishment for your actions? It is not. It just happened to happen at the same time. But not related. In taking the pain of the rape to be the punishment-as long as you feel the pain, you will feel punished. The pain you feel is as a victim of a violent crime that violated your being. It is not a punishment. Disconnect the to and see that you have been forgiven.

Take care, and sorry I was so rough on you,
Bill

 

[crisispoint]

Bill,

I'd rather have an ugly truth than a pretty lie.

And what you've said is NOTHING compared to what I've said a thousand times.

But it's part of being human.

Thank you for your honesty. Only a friend can be so without fear of reprisal. ANd there is none to be given.

Peace and love, Bill. And thanks.

Scot