So Tired

[Michael1965]

Today I find myself back in a common place of being very tired and discouraged to the point of really hating my life.

I doubt that I am alone in feeling this way but today I am just on the verge of falling apart again.

I feel that all I do is care for others all of the time but the care is never reciprocated. I dont share these feelings with my family and co-workers because then they all starting doing things for me and it feels like it is only happening because I had to say something to have them care. It feels fake.

Many have suggested that I need to do caring things for myself but that too leaves me feeling on the outside. It means I am having to do things for myself that others should want to do for me but wont.

I just feel so hopeless and alone, which are things I have felt so much of my life. I dont know how to get people to see that I have needs with out feeling like I have to beg to be noticed or have them meet. People tell me that I deserve to be loved and cared for. It doesnt feel that way if I have to ask for it. It feels like I am unworthy fool and I feel like that little kid who was made to beg for the attention of my abuser just to feel accepted.

Today I hate my life!

 

[Still]

I understand fully!

Generally speaking, today's people are very self-enthrawled, self-centered, and selfish. Why else would the nursing home I visited a year ago on Christmas eve be completely void of visitors? Why has the quadriplegic guy across the street have no visitors, ever?

The nature of humanity that afforded our abuse has not changed for the better.

 

[TheBobcatAgain]

Michael,

I've felt this way too at times, and I know a couple guys on here who feel this way most of the time. It's small comfort, but it shouldn't be that way, and you're not alone.

What about a "leave of absence"? Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder (or reminds people how much they rely on you when you're suddenly not there to help them). Maybe if they realize how dependent on you they are, they'll start being more grateful and returning favors? Just a thought.

Hope tomorrow is better, buddy.

Bobcat

 

[don64]

Hi Michael,

"It means that I am having to do things for myself that others should want to do for me but won't." This, for me, would be an example of my thinking disorders. An example from the damage I sustained from abuse that created an agressive dependent person who always sought out situations similar to my abusers, my parents. It would mean I had not yet learned to empower myself, and saw my only safe option as trying to get people who are not able to see me or value me to see me and value me.

I'm only breaking that cycle here at age 66. For me, the experience that created this belief system was written early at the level of instinct, and is very difficult to change. I am changing it, but only by bringing the pattern into consciousness. I began thinking about this around the age of 30. My boyfriend was finishing his dissertation, which involved developing a test to determing child rearing practices. I took the test. He told me that if I had children I would raise aggressive dependent children. It would be another 30 years before I really understood what that was all about.

I am finally breaking apart the continuous cycle of giving but not receiving. I am finally breaking apart the cyle of pleasing at my own expense. I am finally learning to develop self esteem, which is really about learning to esteem myself. When I learn to esteem myself, only then do I attract people who see me and value me. Very tough cycle to break.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[Suwanee]

.

 

[Obi]

I understand mike because I am in the same boat. It is always help others but nothing in return when you need it most.

I've had to, on many occasions, make "bitch posts" to get people to finally wake up and realize I hurt too. Then everyone comes out to help. It sucks because I ask nicely for help often but get nothing in return. I make a bitch post and get the help, but then they ask why don't I say something?.?.?

SERIOUSLY!?!?!

that is when I would like to say if you guys would read my posts and actually respond to them then I wouldn't have to resort to making bitch posts.

people suck!!

only one person on here now checks in on me. Responds to me. Only one person. So, to him I am loyal to because he truly cares how I am doing. We keep in contact in pm's. I am grateful to him.

however, you are right, mike.

 

[KMCINVA]

My two cents. I think as victims/survivors we can be fearful of others helping us and we are the first to help others--from simple tasks of shoveling a driveway in the winter, picking things up at the grocery, to taking someone at any hour of the day to the train or activity or doctors office, to being there and listening, but we do not want others invading us, because they may find out our secret. Well I have learned when some learn of the secret they even become more self centered and never offer a hand, and then there are those who know what to do, listen and not pass judgment. I have experienced both types of people. Sadly, the former group is only showing their true character and the latter are showing their humanity.

Michael step back and take care of yourself. Sometimes self care is better than any other care.

 

[dark empathy]

I think Suwanee has a point here. Yes, collectively humanity is a big heap of shit, and all the little unconscious concerns of self and whim and perception usually rule people's actions, however equally on an individual level, if you can break through the collective assumptions people often surprise, although most people are just not perceptive enough to put aside their collective assumptions unless you hit them with it.

I remember an occasion when I was really! in need of talking to someone and crying. Even though my friends who I was at university with have moved up country we (or at least I), stay in contact by phone, but I went through a really horrible process of "do I really want to phone someone and just cry at them?" in the end I ended up having to and found it actually a relief how well my friends took it.

One of the things I always find myself saying is "if the situation were reversed would I! deny someone?" and the honest truth is no I couldn't sinse much as it gauls me to say so, empathy is just the way I'm built. Yes, there are plenty of selfish shitheads out there (I recently ran into one which surprised me), however assuming everyone is that way really doesn't help.

What is unfortunately morde true is feelings are rarely as transparent as they are and most people are horribly bad at actually perceiving how another person feels.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Mike.

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I wish there was something I could do to help you. Please feel free to IM if you'd like to talk.

I'm on your side.

Mike