so sad now...

so sad now...
B

Bill123

Registrant
Hi All,

I posted here first 6 months ago. I was taking a first look at the sexual abuse that happened when I was a child. I was seeing a therapist for a while, but I didn't really want to look at this problem. My wife was pushing me to solve "my problem" so we could have a better relationship. I didn't want to look at this issue, so I stopped seeing my therapist and went on with my life.

Two months ago my wife left me. We didn't connect...we had no intimacy...our sex life was bad. The pain of losing her has pushed me towards looking at this problem again. I read some posts in this forum and I couln't stop crying. I still don't want to believe that the things that happened to me as a child are still affecting me 25 year later. I feel so very sad and alone now. My wife was the only person who really knew anything about me and after 11 years of marriage she left because the relationship was unfulfilling to her. I just don't share anything with anyone. So I let my childhood sexual abuse kill my marriage. I guess I will survive, but this is one of the lowest points in my life.

Thanks for listening,

Bill
 
Bill,

It took 24 years before I could admit to myself that something that happened at age 10 had determined how I was and am living my life. My wife and I are also separating after 9 years, if for a different reason, so I can understand what you're feeling there as well. And to round out the picture, I was here for a while about four months ago, left because I thought I was doing fine, and then came back because it was obvious I wasn't.

I'm glad that you're here, because here is the safest place I know of to say what needs to be said. Don't be afraid, because as you can see above, you aren't alone, my friend. We're all survivors together.

-Dwayne
 
Bill, I hear your pain and I'm sad to hear about your wife leaving you. You say:
So I let my childhood sexual abuse kill my marriage
Click to expand...
Bill, please don't think of it that way or that you "let" that happen. There are so many areas in our lives that get damaged and impacted by our abuse. I just dont think its possible to stop 100% of the effects. For each of us it will cause its own problems but you are here, and as Dewey2K has said, this is a great, safe and caring place.

If you walked around inside my head with me for a day youd wonder how anything in my life functions at all! Im not trying to minimise your pain or angst Bill. Im just somebody else also saying hang in there.

Ive determined not to let this abuse rob me of any more that life has in store for me. My weeks are up and down but I AM RECOVERING.
 
Bill
Hang tough. I too thought (and still do at times) that I let the abuse cause the break-up of my marriage. It is what got me here. I kept it nicely and neatly packaged away in my brain...knew it happened and told myself it didn't affect me.

WRONG! I wasn't a good husband to say the least. When she left (after 13 years), I spent several months beating myself up over it...the acting out, the ignoring my wife's needs, etc. She left because the relationship was unfulfilling (sound familiar?). Now, I know it wasn't my fault...she left because SHE chose to. She doesn't want to see or understand what CSA can do.

It hurts sometimes. Hell, let's be honest...it hurts ALL the time. I started here to get better for HER. But, now, I'm determined to be here to get better for ME. I deserve to be happy...with her or without!

You deserve the same!! It's hard to see now...trust me I know. I still cry for my wife. I recently posted about my jealousy for the guys whose wife's stick around.

Just stay as strong as you can. The guys here are AWESOME and are full of GREAT advice. Take strength in the fact that we're here for each other...and there are many who have and will go through the same as you and me. Remember to work on YOU for YOU...you deserve a rich, happy and fulfilled life!

God Bless.
tx_space
 
Bill,

I just went thru a divorce at the end of October 2005. I had been married to the love of my life for 27 yrs! She wanted a divorce for exactly the same reasons you cited..intimacy. I thought I had it going on, but I guess they can tell when your mind is elsewhere. I kept my abuse from her for over 20 yrs of our marriage.

All I can say is that I dont blame her, and I understand that 27 yrs is a long damn time to mess with "mucked up"...that is me, not you, Bill. It has to be tough for our spouses to deal with. Although they are closer than we allow anyone to ever get to us, we really don't allow them to get too close. My wife was always asking, "What ARE you thinking about?"

I thought I was going to die from the divorce and other tragedies that occurred this past year. At the end of Nov., suicide seemed like a good thing to me, but I realized that I had a son that loved me, and my ex does love me, we just can't be married. I got help, was put on medication, and I have to say that I almost feel "normal" again. I am continuing to see my T and working my way thru some heavy issues resulting from my SA. But I'm making it! There is life. Trust me on that, Bill.

I guess I'm not the best person to respond here, but I want to be honest and not sugar coat it. It's tough, but with the guys here, a good T, and perhaps medication (if you need it), you will see light at the end of this tunnel you are in. I come here every night, and go into the chat or read the posts, and PM some of the brothers here. They are my family now, whether they know it or not. They help me through each day, whether they know it or not.

I thank God for Male Survivor. I pray for all the guys here. I'll pray for you too, Bill. Don't give up, buddy. You are doing the right thing by dealing with this stuff. It never gets better until you do. I realize now that I was only fooling myself for 25 yrs before I finally told my wife...they aren't fools!
 
Dear Bill,
Thank you for sharing here what is going on. I am truly, truly sorry that things are so tough now. I am also really grateful for you letting me know, for giving me the opportunity to get to know you a little bit. Please be good to yourself (e.g. spoiling yourself with fun stuff). Unfortunately, there are no easy (and true) answers for anything (if anyone has found an easy (and true) answer, please post), but friendship is about as good a runner up as I've found. That being said, from one brother to another, I extend my hand in friendship.

Take care.

Josh
 
Bill,

I'm glad that you've come back, as the other's have said, this is a very good place to be. I too have found it to be safe and the men here care very much and give good advice and are willing to cry with a brother that is hurting. I was invited to come here by one of the men here and I am sure glad I accepted his invitation.

I can not speak to the loss of a spouse, I have been married to the same wonderful lady for 28 and a half years. I can't imagine the pain of loosing her or the pain you feel at loosing your wife. But I want you to know that as you work your way through this tough time, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hang in there my friend because you are cared for

Darrel
 
Dwayne, Grunty, Tx_space, Rich, Josh, Darrel,

I can't even begin to express my appreciation for your thoughtful and supportive replies. I never knew that men could be this caring and supportive. I have never known any men like this. This still seems very surreal...I guess I still have a lot to learn in my life. It is so sad to hear that so many others have had similar experiences, but incredibly helpful to know there are people like you guys out there who really understand.

I told my wife about the abuse early on in our relationship, but I never let myself believe that the abuse had any affect on me. It was only in the last year or so that she really started pushing me to do something to fix our marriage. By this she meant fix my problem. She didn't and couldn't understand how strong and crazy my emotions are/were about the sexual abuse. She was pushing me and I resented her for it and am still angry with her. I felt it was all about her and that she didn't really care what was best for me. She acted as if me fixing my issues was the least that I could do- an easy thing that I would do If I really cared about her. I know she has her own issues (as we all do) and that she loved me, but this was too much for me to take.

Now that we are getting a divorce, maybe I'll work on things for me. I want to be able to walk around and not be afraid of people, not be startled when people touch me, I want to be comfortable around people. I want to know what I'm feeling. My wife could tell my emotional state long before I ever could ever figure it out (this is very annoying).

Today, I had an email exchange today with a therapist in my area that has worked with male sexual abuse clients. I am very encouraged by this. I just need to get up the courage to call and make an appointment.

Thank you so much for the incredible outpouring of support. This means a lot to me.

Bill
 
Thanks Bill for the post it is good to see you healing. Not much for typing at the moment.

Warm thoughts your way.
 
Dear Bill,

I agree. It is refreshing to come here and interact with men who are offering love and support and asking for nothing in return. At differnt points in my life, I have tried on and gravitated toward different male personalities: player, jock, misogynist, dick-head, super competitive friend, emotionless stoner, etc. But being sensitive and accepting and finding strength in honesty about who I am is where it's at for me now. I agree with you that it's pretty awesome to find lots and lots of men who are also into being vulnerable and open.

Also, I want to congratulate you for starting a conversation with this therapist, and I full-heartedly want to encourage you to make the call. You owe it to yourself.

Strength and love,

Josh
 
Bill,

do whatever you need to get over this hurdle.
As a survivor, you have climbed many mountains before this one.

I wish you well,

ste
 
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