So Now What?

So Now What?
J

jorge2000

Registrant
I must say I really like this site. Thanks for all the support. Okay, I'ver spent most my life in complete anger. Recently, I felt the feeling for what they are for the first time - cried and everything. So now what? I realize there isn't that magic moment when everything just becomes like it should've/could've been. The experience is part of who I am. Do I simply contain that part of myself so the other part of me can function? I don't see any other way. The isolation is getting to extreme, and the fact I'm not coming close to living up to my potential is only self degradation. Reclaiming my body has got to be significant. I've got 55lbs to lose, and I think massage therapy can help release energy. I am checking into a group, specializing in this area, tomorrow. I've got a lot of the theory down, now I need to LEARN (I hate being honest about that point) how to live. I would love feedback on:
1. Medications for depression. I do fine untill Summer - then I see everyone halp naked and in love. I just can deny the damage if I accept I need meds.
2. Free support groups. Can't find anything in seattle area.
3. Flashbacks. I've had 4 in my life. I know the trigger, and the 4th time I finally recognized what was happening. Too bad it was after all the destruction. I am sure I still have my job and apartment, but my social support system is gone - most of it.
Well, thanks for reading this. I know I have to work at creating the life I want. I just had no idea how the self hatred fought to destroy all the accomplishment and possibilities. I will have to challenge myself and see how the new tools work.
 
Jorge
I am taking Paxil, and it is a lifesaver. I am now going on 6 months without a panic attack (although I almost had one in therapy last week.) I hate seeing all those couples so nausiatingly in love. I want that, I yearn for that, I crave that.
I have also reclaimed/in the process of reclaiming my body. I have about 60 lbs. to go, but I can actually see a difference.
I do not know how I will be with the abuse in the future. It will always be there, but I am learning to understand it was not my fault.
 
Jorge,

I have two suggestions for the groups. Check the online listings at RAINN.org . I see at least one, in Aberdeen, lists "male survivors" and has the same area code as my sister near Seattle.

Also, try Survivors of Incest Anonymous, siawso.org to find a meeting in your area. I've been going for a little over a year now and it really is a lot of help for me.

I don't know what to say about flashbacks except that sometimes it's possible to ride it out by forcing myself to remember when and where I am. I try to focus on things which did not exist in my life at the time of the abuse.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Jorge
you're doing all the right things so far, and the main thing is YOU are making YOUR decisions.

But, and there's always a downside isn't there ?, it isn't going to happen overnight, prepare yourself for a bit of work !
It's worth it though, and the things you speak of that you haven't got or now realise you've missed out on will come. We find our supporters in our friends, and even though you might not believe that your friends are 'true' friends that will support you, the chances are the problem lies within your your self-esteem, and you might not appreciate the way your friends and family actually feel about you. But that's something that comes with our healing.

The experience is part of who I am. Do I simply contain that part of myself so the other part of me can function? I don't see any other way.
Click to expand...
I think this is what many of us do, I certainly 'contain' the history of my abuse within me - I've tried to forget it, we all have, but it doesn't work does it ?
So I contain it, and I've learned to contain it in a small corner of my mind where I can access it when I want to to do so, not spread throughout my mind and always there in my face.
How do I do that ? therapy and a lot of effort on my part is how, and I first went into therapy in 1998 ( still in group therapy ) the effort is something I came to actually enjoy because I began to see results. Less than 10 years ago I was acting out with other men, suicidal, and so debilitated by the effects that I did virtually nothing other than go to work, eat and watch TV.
Now, at the age of 50, I'm catching up with who I should have been and there aren't enough hours in the day for me.

Trust me - the effort is worth it !

Dave
 
Jorge listen to the brothers. They are giving you the straight goods. Take their advice.

And post and seek help. That is what we are all about. And if you feel motivated join as a full fledged member.

The road ahead will be full of potholes but you are never alone again and dont forget that ok. We all walk with you.

I am on effexor and welbutrin and it works for me. Keeps the highs and lows more moderate.

Welcome to the greatest bunch of guys it has ever been my privilege to know.
 
Jorge,

welcome here, I am glad this site has been some help to you already. It sounds like you already have good knowledge of what you must do in your life now, to take your life back. I am on two medicines for depression, as well as another medicine for the flashbacks and panic, and two other things I can take for panic or sleep if I need to. A year ago I was 23 years old and never hardly even take asprin. Now here I am like a pharmacy. I felt lot of shame for needing them. But now, I accept it more, and I am greatful that there are medicines to help me. I know that the therapy will be what helps me most to bring back my life. But the medicines help me to deal with the whole therapy and life things right now. Everyone is different, what works for one does not work for another, and I have had to try different medicines to find what works for me. But for what it is maybe worth (my opinion), it has been worth it. Good luck to you.

Leosha
 
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