So much shame...

So much shame...
S

survive75

Registrant
I am struggling with so much shame today. Shame for what I've done, shame for what happened to me, shame that people know...

I just don't know how to deal with this feeling. Usually, that translates into drinking to the point of oblivion and doing something I regret. And I'm trying so hard not to do that anymore... but I'm so tired of waking up with a pit of humiliation in my stomach. I just want out of this.
 
Sean,

I'm on a break from my class, but I want you to know this, it's nnormal (frustratingly so) to deal with this.

You are stronger than this, I know it, my friend.

I'm with you and thinking about you. I care for you too much for you to give into this.

I love you, my brother.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
sean,

we gotta hang in there. i have stressed today also, shame, guilt, depressed. very bummed, made some mistakes this weekend, freaked out a bit this morning too.

gotta be strong, be careful, know i and we are here for each other.

it is a process for us, so long for me, very annoying, aggravating, and you name it for anything else.

gotta hang the best we can, gotta lean on our brothers or t to help us through. i almost called mine today.

got in to the work mode and did not.

but still stressing, i am right along with you. not much help but i have right along with you today.

take care, we must do so together if at all we can.

guy
 
Sean,

I had a lot of trouble with shame about what I did and that people know when people first started finding out. I think I spent a lot of time here and sending PMs & emails. I spent a lot of time at my SIA meetings. I don't really know what it was that got me through it, but the shame doesn't hurt like it did.

I wouldn't try to just "keep it in check" because it will only build that way. There are a lot of good people here who know what shame feels like and know why it should be the perp's shame to feel, not yours. Get it out where it's not a "one on one" kind of conflict. Let the guys help. It's not a simple, "Oh good, I'm all better now" process, but I do believe the shame will eventually recede if you do try to open up.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Sean,
Shame is a hard one to deal with. I know that I fight with it all the time. I read something one time that really helped me, and I wanted to share it with you. It's from an artical from a different web page that a t wrote. He uses losing a card game to help explain his point.
You didn't lose because you were a lousy poker player. You lost because the perp was using a marked deck that he had prepared himself. He made sure he dealt himself four aces, and he made sure he dealt you nothing of value. He cheated, from beginning to end. That card game had nothing to do with your skill at playing cards.
Click to expand...
The perp cheated, you had no chance of winning. It had nothing to do with your skill as a player. You had lost before you ever started playing. This is a quote from an atrical he wrote on shame. Now after reading it I emailed him and asked why he didnt say anything about men in what he wrote so he sat down and wrote another one about men. I'll leave a link to both so if you would like to read the whole thing. Good luck.

https://incestabuse.about.com/cs/healing/a/Shame.htm


https://incestabuse.about.com/cs/healing/a/male.htm


James
 
Sean,

That shame is all theirs. None of it is yours.

I did a whole lot of reliving my abuse today. Damn flashbacks. Looking back at it again, with a little insight into the truth, I wonder how I could have ever felt the shame and guilt. Damn bastards.

Tonight I will take it easy on myself. A warm bath, some candles and piano music sounds about right.

Take care,
Bill
 
Sean,

I am so sorry it is this rough! We have ALL had similar experiences and feelings. Hang in there!

PEACE!

TJ
 
One of many things that seem so cruel to me is that we feel shame about the perverted crimes of people who harmed us. They are masrters at making us feel responsible and guilty. We can't let that happen.

We have probably done a lot of things we are not proud of and may feel shame about. We can take responsibility for what we have done that is wrong. But nothing connected with the SA is our fault, no matter what.

It has been my experience to this point that when I tell people even a bit of my story, that they are fully supportive of me and saddened that any of it happened. So far, I have not felt shame about that--but I do feel vulnerable until I know how the person is going to take the revelation and what they do with it. That is a bit scarey for sure.

Keep on keeping on--it is a lot like a rollercoaster, but eventually we do come to the slowing down part and what a relief that can be.

Bob
 
I feel such shame for how the abuse changed me. I regret the boy I no longer was. I am trying to become the man he could be. I feel shame about how addicted to porn I am. I went out on a date with a wonderful girl. And then when I got back, I looked at porn. I did tell her that things that happened in my youth made me shy. I don't know when I will feel comfortable telling her about the abuse, but I hope to feel that comfortable with her. But I feel such shame when I look at her and look at myself and feel the load of sin and darkness that the girl who abused me left on my soul.

Faith only helps so far at least the faith I have. I still have not come to terms with the monster in the closet of my psyche. I know Jesus can wipe away all stains, but I don't know how to give up that part of me. I can mentally know that it is not my sin, but knowing in my heart is another matter. Maybe that is the great lie from satan, that the sin is mine. That the shame is mine.
 
Sean,

It took me a few years of sobriety but I finally saw that my drinking was, in large part, self medicating.

I honestly thought/believed that the drinking was making me feel better when really it was making everything worse.

Hey, I "didn't have a problem with drinking," as I said then but every time I started to feel the pain and despair I took it up again to blunt the edge.

Maybe it did blunt that sharp edge a little or temporarily or something like that but I know now, what seems obvious now, looking back, that the drinking just kept me stuck in a painful rut.

It wasn't until I gave up drinking that I began to move ahead.
 
It seems like you are in a bad cycle. You feel shame, you deal with it by drinking or something you later regret, which leads you to more shame. There are two places to break the cycle. The initial shame feelings, and what you do about them. To live life in regrets is to live constantly in the past. But your future is where the happiness, the success, the positive things lie.

Is there a way to start doing things to help you feel success? Just to set yourself up, small things, that you can achieve, that give you some positive feelings? I know that it does not eliminate the shame feelings. But if there is more positive in your head, then maybe it gives you something to 'bounce around' in there. Sometimes the positive feelings will help. Never will they hurt. And slowly, the positive will become greater for you.

I wish you well, and I hope that you are able to start breaking the cycle. Good luck.

Leosha
 
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