So...I'm An Addict **Probably Triggering**
***Triggers Probable***
I'm a sex addict. Pornography, Masturbation, Prostitutes and Anonymous Encounters were my drugs of choice. I've been sober now for 16 months, I was sober for 3 years before a relapse in 2016 that sent me to rehab. It was in rehab that these issues that I never addressed came up.
When I was around 7 my best friend and I were playing in the woods near his house. A couple of older boys from the neighborhood (12 or 13) showed up. One of them starting asking if "we got boners" or "jerked off" yet. I didn't really know what he was talking about. He pulled down his pants and showed us both. He told us to take our pants off...and started making fun of me because I was erect. I also hadn't come close to starting puberty yet...he was well into it if not complete. Long story short, he had me masturbate him…and of course I thought I hurt and/or damaged him when he had an orgasm. I ended up doing the same thing with the other older boy, and they both played with my penis. I don't consider it to have been molestation...just inappropriate given our age difference.
When I was 12 I got a paper route. I had it until I was 17. I collected every Friday. Every week Mrs. G would answer the door wearing a t-shirt or her husband’s shirt with no bra underneath and panties. By the time I was 13 she didn’t wear panties anymore. She would bend over her purse and make sure I got a full view of her breasts and bottom. She’d stretch and sit on the back of the sofa so she knew I clearly saw her pubic hair and genitals. Every week she hugged me and pushed her hips against me so I know she knew I was aroused. She got bolder every week, eventually giving my crotch a squeeze and winking at me every week. I never tried to stop her…and I never tried to escalate the situation, though I fantasized about it for the five years I knew her.
When I was 16 I had another what I would call inappropriate experience with an adult. I was in a local park well after closing. I used to go there to read porn without getting caught. I had heard rumors of men cruising for sex there, but had never seen it. Until the night a man in his 60’s asked if I wanted a blowjob. I was 16, a virgin, and in no danger of losing my virginity (I was a straight A student, ran track, and was a Boy Scout…none of which appealed to girls at my high school). I followed him down a path to a bench. He asked how old I was. I didn’t even think to lie, I told him I was 16. He said to make sure I wasn’t a cop trying to entrap him I should whip it out. I unzipped my jeans and he had me pull them down. He said cops wouldn’t mind taking theirs out…but couldn’t touch someone else…so he asked me to take his out, then he could give me a blowjob. It took him a while to convince me, but I unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out. He asked me to go to his house…said that way we could watch some porn and he could take his time and make sure it didn’t hurt. I told him I had to leave, again we went back and forth, and he agreed to give me oral sex. It didn’t last more than a few minutes. Then he said since I got him all worked up I owed him. He asked to have anal sex with me, I refused. More negotiation. I agreed he could touch me and I would give him a handjob. I asked him a couple times to stop when he put his finger in me, but ended up letting him.
When I was 20 I was raped by another man. It wasn’t violent, and I barely resisted (which I still feel shame about). I was in a bar in New York City. An older man bought me a couple of mixed drinks. I don’t remember drinking enough to be drunk, definitely not enough to pass out. I woke up in his bed, naked, with him giving me oral sex. I asked him to stop, told him I wasn’t gay, and passed out again. I woke up with him over me, giving me oral sex, and him in my mouth. I ended up throwing up into a trashcan by the bed. It already had puke in it…so it wasn’t the first time I threw up. The next time I woke up my legs were over his shoulders and he was trying to push himself into me. I couldn’t push him away, but I tried to tense up and stop him…it hurt like hell and he ended up inside anyway. I passed out again before he finished.
When I woke up again the sun was up…he was fondling me. He rolled me onto my stomach. I didn’t resist. He got behind me, lifted my hips. Told me if I relaxed it wouldn’t hurt as much. I felt resigned to what was going to happen. He fondled me as he did it. I was in pain, ashamed…and aroused by his touch. He made me have an orgasm as he raped me. He finished inside of me, I realized he wasn’t wearing a condom.
He kept kissing my neck and fondling me as I was getting dressed. Asked to keep my underwear as a souvenir. I let him…they were torn. He walked me to the door, told me he enjoyed it. He gave me his number…told me to call him next time I was in the city so we could spend a weekend together. I was disgusted…and wondered if I somehow was responsible…did I give him the idea I was gay, or interested in having sex with him, etc. I’m still ashamed that I had an orgasm. I honestly wish that it was violent or he used a weapon, I feel like it would give me an excuse for what he did.
Those are the issues I’m working in my recovery.
I'm a sex addict. Pornography, Masturbation, Prostitutes and Anonymous Encounters were my drugs of choice. I've been sober now for 16 months, I was sober for 3 years before a relapse in 2016 that sent me to rehab. It was in rehab that these issues that I never addressed came up.
When I was around 7 my best friend and I were playing in the woods near his house. A couple of older boys from the neighborhood (12 or 13) showed up. One of them starting asking if "we got boners" or "jerked off" yet. I didn't really know what he was talking about. He pulled down his pants and showed us both. He told us to take our pants off...and started making fun of me because I was erect. I also hadn't come close to starting puberty yet...he was well into it if not complete. Long story short, he had me masturbate him…and of course I thought I hurt and/or damaged him when he had an orgasm. I ended up doing the same thing with the other older boy, and they both played with my penis. I don't consider it to have been molestation...just inappropriate given our age difference.
When I was 12 I got a paper route. I had it until I was 17. I collected every Friday. Every week Mrs. G would answer the door wearing a t-shirt or her husband’s shirt with no bra underneath and panties. By the time I was 13 she didn’t wear panties anymore. She would bend over her purse and make sure I got a full view of her breasts and bottom. She’d stretch and sit on the back of the sofa so she knew I clearly saw her pubic hair and genitals. Every week she hugged me and pushed her hips against me so I know she knew I was aroused. She got bolder every week, eventually giving my crotch a squeeze and winking at me every week. I never tried to stop her…and I never tried to escalate the situation, though I fantasized about it for the five years I knew her.
When I was 16 I had another what I would call inappropriate experience with an adult. I was in a local park well after closing. I used to go there to read porn without getting caught. I had heard rumors of men cruising for sex there, but had never seen it. Until the night a man in his 60’s asked if I wanted a blowjob. I was 16, a virgin, and in no danger of losing my virginity (I was a straight A student, ran track, and was a Boy Scout…none of which appealed to girls at my high school). I followed him down a path to a bench. He asked how old I was. I didn’t even think to lie, I told him I was 16. He said to make sure I wasn’t a cop trying to entrap him I should whip it out. I unzipped my jeans and he had me pull them down. He said cops wouldn’t mind taking theirs out…but couldn’t touch someone else…so he asked me to take his out, then he could give me a blowjob. It took him a while to convince me, but I unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out. He asked me to go to his house…said that way we could watch some porn and he could take his time and make sure it didn’t hurt. I told him I had to leave, again we went back and forth, and he agreed to give me oral sex. It didn’t last more than a few minutes. Then he said since I got him all worked up I owed him. He asked to have anal sex with me, I refused. More negotiation. I agreed he could touch me and I would give him a handjob. I asked him a couple times to stop when he put his finger in me, but ended up letting him.
When I was 20 I was raped by another man. It wasn’t violent, and I barely resisted (which I still feel shame about). I was in a bar in New York City. An older man bought me a couple of mixed drinks. I don’t remember drinking enough to be drunk, definitely not enough to pass out. I woke up in his bed, naked, with him giving me oral sex. I asked him to stop, told him I wasn’t gay, and passed out again. I woke up with him over me, giving me oral sex, and him in my mouth. I ended up throwing up into a trashcan by the bed. It already had puke in it…so it wasn’t the first time I threw up. The next time I woke up my legs were over his shoulders and he was trying to push himself into me. I couldn’t push him away, but I tried to tense up and stop him…it hurt like hell and he ended up inside anyway. I passed out again before he finished.
When I woke up again the sun was up…he was fondling me. He rolled me onto my stomach. I didn’t resist. He got behind me, lifted my hips. Told me if I relaxed it wouldn’t hurt as much. I felt resigned to what was going to happen. He fondled me as he did it. I was in pain, ashamed…and aroused by his touch. He made me have an orgasm as he raped me. He finished inside of me, I realized he wasn’t wearing a condom.
He kept kissing my neck and fondling me as I was getting dressed. Asked to keep my underwear as a souvenir. I let him…they were torn. He walked me to the door, told me he enjoyed it. He gave me his number…told me to call him next time I was in the city so we could spend a weekend together. I was disgusted…and wondered if I somehow was responsible…did I give him the idea I was gay, or interested in having sex with him, etc. I’m still ashamed that I had an orgasm. I honestly wish that it was violent or he used a weapon, I feel like it would give me an excuse for what he did.
Those are the issues I’m working in my recovery.
Last edited by a moderator:
