So I posted here 2 weeks ago about my revelation..

[andrewmo]

That something happened to me when I was a kid. Since then I have been cycling through trauma, disassociation, crying, and raw rage (I actually went and bought a baseball bat, and use it to beat the hell out of an old couch that is available to me)... But im just wondering how long this will last before I "level out", so to speak. I know recovery will take a long time but it shouldn't be this intense for the duration of it. I would hope not anyway... Thanks for any replies

 

[ahyden]

I reacted similar as you described which lasted for months, and then now 3-4 years later the rage is subsiding a bit as I start to accept what happened. But I didn't really have much support, I think that makes a big difference.

 

[WG]

andrewmo - The feeling will come and go. It does with me, it does with all of us. It took a long time - years - before I felt OK to be angry about what was done to me. It came out in other ways - short tempered with my wife or children or someone - and they thought it was something they had done or said or not done or not said - and all the time it was the younger me wanting to be heard and noticed.
Go ahead and pound the hell out of the couch. I have a hammer an an old telephone book out in my garage. I've knelt there and wailed the hell out of that book - it was his face, it was the match head my Dad would burn me with, it was my Mom's hand she hit me with, it was his hands that violated me so many times. It can be anything, really. Go ahead, be angry. Let it out. Cry, shout (in the proper place because it looks kind of odd yelling for no reason in the middle of the laundromat) and cry some more. I thought I'd cried it all out - and here I am 2 years later at my therapist's office crying again. It does get better. It does subside and we do move on. It never, ever, really goes away but we do learn to handle it when it shows up. When it begins to wave over me, I tell myself that it's OK to feel this and I have very right to do so (feelings were often stuffed down in our abuse), and I can let it out later. Knowing I can express myself in a safe environment later gives me hope. It isn't left unsaid, its dealt with but in an OK place. Grounding helps - "Where am I? What year is it? How old am I?" Those questions sometimes help me to come back to the present. Just suggestions......