so here we go.. again.. **may trigger**

[wantstohelp]

Sigh,
I'm 25 and sometimes I feel like my life goes in cycles. I've fallen, again, for a man who has been a victim of CSA, and not begun to deal with it. I have this theory that when people go through something like this, they sort of are faced with asking themselves questions about themselves and the world that most people never are really forced to.. and that this leads to.. some sort of bond between people who have been through the same sort of thing.. that's sort of.. silent.. but picked up on without even knowing it.

I guess I feel that way because I lost my virginity to CSA, and so far, the only men I've really been able to love have ended up having had similar experiences. Which is fine, but of course that means there are lots of issues to deal with.. which i can handle.. any amount of issues I can handle.. the hardest thing is when they push you away.

My new guy, J.. he disclosed to me while drunk a week after we met, then put up a big wall where he was back and forth intimately with me for a month, and has just now broken things off with me.. while holding me and pressing his forehead and nose to mine, and looking like he was about to cry.. by telling me that he thought I came on too strong, and so his feelings couldn't develop the way taht they should have. Which seemed.. strange to me given taht he was holding me so tightly, and then started asking me if we could spend time together soon and talk, and be friends, but he understands if I never want to talk to him again.

I think in some ways it was my fault.. he had been fine and asking me questions about what we were going to do later that night, when I tried to initiate sex. He seems to pull away whenever i do that, even though he says he's very attracted to me, and we are ok sexually if he initiates. I just don't know.

I really care for him so much, and so I sent him an email telling him that I hear what he's saying about us going too fast, and that I've been nervous about that too, and that I've been wondering if we should take a step back. So I said if he wants to be friends, and get to know eachother slowly, and see other people, and then see... far far in the future, if there are feelings there, that I would like that.. and that it would be totally worth it because at the very least.. I will have gained a great friend.

Anyway, I sent the email two days ago, and I thought he'd be immediately relieved and answer, but nothing yet. He was calling every day or every other day before he broke it off.. and that was just on the 31st.. but I miss him already so much, and it's really hard. I'm not sure how I got attached to him so quickly.. maybe it's because he was so honest, and open about himself, and I shared a lot with him that I normally don't tell anyone else. I dont know.

Anyway, I'm scared that he's just not going to reply to my email, and that I'll never hear from him again like my last boyfriend who disclosed to me and then just freaked out. I guess I just needed to write something here, and get some feedback and advice on what to do from others who have been through similar things.

I've grown so much in the past year, and coming here often to read all of your stories has really helped me with understanding what happened in the past, and in moving on with my life. So thank you all so much for your courage, and the compassion that you so obviously show towards eachother, adn the men in your life who have been through this. I wish you all the best of luck with them.

Hugs to you, and thanks for reading!
Jess xo

 

[sweet-n-sour]

Dear Jess:
Welcome to the Male Survivor Friends/Family forum! Try to stay positive while waiting on your bf's reply. It is not easy to be pushed away from someone you care about...when all you want to do is make things better and it is impossible since it is all up to them.
To find someone that you connect with in such a way is a unique treasure. I can understand your hurt in this. The waiting is the most difficult, yes?
Hang in there okay? If you need to vent remember we are all here for one another. Again, welcome to this forum. Take care.
Best wishes to you,
s-n-s

 

[kgm]

hey wantstohelp-
what sweet an sou r says to hang in there best advce. welcome to.
kgm

 

[beccy]

Hi there,

You sound like you have been very succesful in taking good care of yourself emotionally. He could be realising that he really wants to be with you and feel dejected(not your fault!) by your not seeming desperate/needy in any way. Or, it could be more complicated than that.....either way, i think you handled the situation in absolutely the best way. I really admire that....


It's how complicated everything becomes isn't it? Honestly though, I think the way you approached the whole thing was honest and open and healthy. I wish you all the luck in the world with this new relationship You really deserve that,

peace
Beccy

 

[wantstohelp]

Thank you sweet-n-sour, kgm, and beccy!

I have to admit I was a little scared that no one would reply to my post, and I have been feeling really alone over here in trying to figure things out, so it feel really nice to have your input - thank you.

Well.. the waiting is over, and I did hear back from him. Seems that he does want to be friends, but I can't help but just feel super rejected, unnatractive, and like maybe his pulling back has nothing to do with his SA, and everything to do with his just not being that into me.

It's just hard to know what to think or feel when someone doesn't out and tell you what, if anything, you mean to them. Or.. at least.. it's hard for me.

And you might be right, Beccy.. I was a little cold, adn let him do all of the calling and inviting me places when we were together.. maybe he does feel rejected in some way.. but he said the opposite.. that he felt I came on too strong.. so how can I express my feelings for him when he says something like that, really?

I'm really trying to do the right thing, but I'm just hurting so much, and all I want to do is be able to talk to him.. and I don't know if I should, or if I should let him come to me, now that he's said he wants to be friends, and that we should talk soon.

I guess my point is that I don't have it totally together emotionally.. I do feel needy about him.. I've just tried really hard to keep that under wraps so that it doesn't scare him away more than maybe I already have.

I feel so lost, and I don't know what to do next.. talk to him, or wait for him to come to me. I don't even know if I should try to talk to him about what he told me when we were drunk.. because we haven't talked about it since then.. and I don't even know if he remembers, or if he knows that I remember. So should I bring it up, gently? Or just ignore it? I don't know.

This is really hard. I could really use any advice that you might have.

Thanks so much for everything, ladies,
Hugs to you all,
J xo

 

[beccy]

I've sent you a PM

 

[iwanttocry]

Wantstohelp, don't ever feel bad about your feelings. We are all wired to have feelings. It's what we do about them that matters. You should know from the beginning that no matter what you do, wheter you are needy, independent, brave, funny, etc, his feelings are his own. When you are with a survivor, 2+2 rarely=4. The formula isn't the same. You also have to realize why you want to be with him so much. Is it because you are used to fixing people? Do you need him to need you? You will find that as you get stronger by seeking support yourself, your perspective of things will change. Stay strong and realize that you are the first person that you should take care of; emotionally, mentally, and physically. There shouldn't be any guilt in that.