So confused..and depressed

So confused..and depressed
I

igotsunshine

Registrant
Well I've been on the paxil a month and still depressed. I've taken 3 mini holidays in december and now I'm facing the worst days of the month and New years and I'm back in my (lonely?) home. I have a quasi-boyfriend who I don't want to meet these days and am avoiding. I've been compulsively sexual(safe) at the saunas and feeling shame and fear and hating myself. Sometimes I just want to become celibate.

I want: to be at peace
to not feel shame and fear
to love and be loved
to be intimate and safe
to be sexual and not feel
compelled or driven
to not feel apart and different anymore
to stop eating for love(gained 15 lbs this past year)

there is progress...the wildly unsafe sex has stopped, getting my hiv tests every 3 months, so much more aware - and so much more in pain- of what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. Thank god for my therapist. Right now I'm just in a bad place...returned from bangkok last night, went to work today and feel like hiding until after new years. I'm sorry i'm rambling but I just need to talk it out. I'm isolating and I dont know if thats what I need to do or just maladaptive.I'm just disconnected from myself. Wheres the real me? what do I want?
 
igotsunshine,

On the depression meds, I hope your doctor told you that it takes some weeks to really feel any difference. In my case I just felt medicated for some weeks, and then felt that I was improving. Be aware also that treatment of depression can seem very haphazard; you may have to try several meds before hitting on one (or some combination) that really works.

On feeling that sometimes you just want to become celibate, sex of course isn't the problem. It's the role that sex plays in our poor self-image and in our acting out of our abuse experiences. Don't feel defined by these episodes, that will only make things worse I think.

You ask some penetrating questions at the end, and these are crucial. They are the sorts of things that a good therapist can help with. I don't know how good therapy for CSA is in Pakistan, but I think that's what you really need: solid professional guidance through all these problems.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks for writing Larry. It was a bad day and things are better. My therapist is away for the holidays(she's in boston, I'm in pak...we have 2 hr sessions on the phone- unorthodox but she's the best person I've worked with in 15 years) but I'll be speaking with her in 10 days or so. Doing better. I'm also run down because of the flu, jet lag, no sleep, and being back at work 2 days, with my brother and his kids arriving in an hour for 2 weeks, and then my 8 month pregnant abandoned cousin moving in for a month- House Full! maybe the company will do me good.
Work is actually the silver lining in all of this..I'm doing my clinical practicum to get my counselling degree and currently working in a community clinic, which is extraordinarily fulfilling...so I have access to my clinical case supervisor in the meanwhile. Will also speak to the p'trist about upping the paxil(I was on antidepressants from age 15 to 28- a veteran here)
I have actually told my bf about what I'm going through and he was fine with no sex for a while, said whenever i was ready, which is very understanding of him. I'm very comfortable with intimacy though. Suffice to say I'm feeling more balanced today. Thanks for hearing me out and responding

Hugs
Sam
 
Congratulations, Sam.
Your post of 12/28 sounds much better. When have the time to think things through clearly, and when you have the luxury of a good night's sleep, life does not seem quite so unmanageable and out of control.
I hope that 2006 is a lot better for us all.
Love, etc.,
 
Sam,

Recovery is all about wild ups and downs. Don't hesitate to share either with us here. I'm glad things seem to be looking up.

Much love,
Larry
 
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