so angry

[redrock]

Hi.

I am so angry right now. None of this will make sense but, I feel like exploding and need to do it in an appropriate manner.

I was abused by my mother for most of my childhood. I was controlled and manipulated by her.

trigger warning*****

I went without talking to my dad for the last 20 Years of his life. My mom divorced him when I was 13 in order to have me all by herself. It was an incestuous relationship that I kept up as well as her until she married for the 2nd time when I was 16. He raped me so I left home for good. As a little boy (first time I can remember) my mom took my diaper off and played with me. She would have me sleep with her. My dad was in the military and when he was gone she would have men over and she would have them fuck me so she didnt get pregnant. I was the "booby" prize at the parties she had. I was sold like potatoes in the grocery store.

So many memories that I have repressed and never got close to any woman. I am 52. I have been divorced for 26 years after a short marriage. I am now living a facility for elderly and handicapped. Most of the elderly are women like my mother. I have all kinds of triggers. How to deal with them?

RR

 

[Sterling]

I just want to say I am sorry this happened.
I don't have much advice.
My aunt , grandmother, cousins (female), mother were all
shit to me.
I felt obligated to feel that I needed them and I couldn't trust
women. I was terrified!
But I am seeing that my aunt and her disgusting daughters
are them. I don't have to view women that I see in public-
that they are like them.
Sorry , I wish this would have helped.
Perhaps if you speak to a female at this facility ; like
a mental health worker.
Someone who can help you distance the past from the present.
Easier said than done. But you may just gain some clarity...
My heart goes out to you!

James

 

[TJ jeff]

redrock,

what you said does make sense - perfect sense to me given the past I have with my own mother

what helps more than anything is to find safe outlets for the anger that has been held inside for so long - there is no 1 perfect outlet that works for everyone - you kind of have to find what works for you which can indeed take much trial and error - but it's well worth it in the end - holding inside all of that emotion from the past is very unhealthy - many studies have been done over the years that have proven that repressed emotion from past abuse effects our bodies in a very real physical way

I think perhaps the very best advice I can give to you is to start reading some books specific to male abuse recovery - there is a list of many good ones that can be found under the sites Books, Music & Films for Survivors Forum

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Redrock,

Your story has some important parallels with my own. My mother was my primary perpetrator and I grew up in the military. Like you, social isolation is a major problem as well as health issues.

Now for your question: How to deal with triggers?

For me, it has basically come down to finding ways to love myself. My mother failed in that project, so did my father and the rest of my family and community, so who else will do it? Like you, intimate relations with women have been extremely difficult and I too have pulled away from that for many years. I keep my eyes open for women who share my interest in a healing approach to intimacy, but results have been extremely limited.

It has also involved recognizing how toxic the negative emotions can be for me and embracing them without repressing them. Sometimes that has involved finding a safe place to express them. A recent exercise I've been playing with comes from Osho's Emotional Wellness (Harmony Books) pg 106. It involves identifying with the negative emotions as being "me". So "I am anger" (when I'm feeling it), I am hatred", "I am fear" etc... It's been very helpful for transforming that energy into healthier forms.

Supporting my body with the help of a Naturopath has been helpful to me as I go through a storm of negative emotions. Recognizing that I need to find ways to embrace my anger at women and find ways to protect myself from their violence without sacrificing their support has been central for me too.

Finding people with whom I can talk has been helpful to me.

Finding groups that are helpful to my healing process has been great (MaleSurvivor has been a Godsend for me).

When I was ready, channeling my frustration with community into efforts to support positive change has been helpful.

Healing touch has been helpful to me, most particularly Cranio Sacral and Somatic Experiencing through male practitioners.

I've also found Cuddle Party (see: www.cuddleparty.com) to be helpful because it creates a safe sense of community where affection, and loving touch are valued. These are core qualities that were missing in my youth.

I hope this helps.

Cheers,

GAATT

 

[focusedbody]

It has also involved recognizing how toxic the negative emotions can be for me and embracing them without repressing them. Sometimes that has involved finding a safe place to express them. A recent exercise I've been playing with comes from Osho's Emotional Wellness (Harmony Books) pg 106. It involves identifying with the negative emotions as being "me". So "I am anger" (when I'm feeling it), I am hatred", "I am fear" etc... It's been very helpful for transforming that energy into healthier forms.

Gaatt:

As always, your description of this is very helpful.

I also think that at the most basic level is "I am scared". This stems from realizing that at certain times in one's life, there were feelings that when they were not felt, left a residue of not being oneself. That in and of itself makes me scared. But the more it feels acceptable to acknowledge it, the less terrified I feel.

FB

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks FB, I love your feedback too!

I also think that at the most basic level is "I am scared".

Yes! For me, it is more like "I am terrified". In the particular exercise I mention above, it was suggested to transform the verb into a noun. i.e. "I am terror". It seems to have the effect of leaving no room for rejecting or judging this emotional state and hence opening the door for its transformation. This morning after going through the pain of rejection for the umpteenth time I was exploring "I am pain". It seemed to help me gain the courage to put out my request for community in a place where it is most likely to be accepted rather than wallowing in my pain and resentment as usual.

Thanks for posting. It's always great to hear from you!

Warmly,

GAATT

 

[focusedbody]

Thanks FB, I love your feedback too!

In the particular exercise I mention above, it was suggested to transform the verb into a noun. i.e. "I am terror".

Gaatt:

What this seems to be doing is making the feeling a little more distant and more familiar at the same time. Instead of being overcome by the emotion consciously or unconsciously, it stays next to oneself for a little while and is easier to identify and hopefully accept.

This may also be what is know as a "felt sense". It can feel like a lot of work to remain with it and make me want to collapse a bit, but also makes life a lot better.

I think it's strange how when things are confusing, emotion can end up making things more tolerable and clearer. It feels like something to keep in mind.

FB

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi FB,

Yes, it's been an interesting experiment for me. Frequently the negative emotions will dissolve completely very quickly for me and are replaced by an exquisite silence. In the book, it talked of us being "observer" and "observed". Both together. I'm much more familiar with the Buddhist practice of watching thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and perceptions of the outside world as "not I". This particular exercise reverses it and it all becomes "I". I'm glad you are enjoying the experiment!

Cheers,

GAATT