SO ANGRY!!!

SO ANGRY!!!
R

Raphael

Registrant
I am so angry! I just somehow deleted everything I had written here.

I just called my sister and told her that the abuse issue has re-emmerged that I am pretty sad and depressed. Her reaction was the same as before: "Forget it! Forget this. And forgive. In life we have obstacles. This is an obstacle you have to overcome and make it help you get to a higher place."

FORGET THIS! FORGIVE? I KNOW SHE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO SEE ME WELL BUT SAYING THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL!!!! Would I be here crying over this thing if I had just the choice to forget it???? Would I be in therapy if this shit weren't taking me into pornography addiction, if I weren't embarrassed and unconfortable to feel sexually attracted to other man, would I be here if i did not feel a BIG HOLE in my heart????

I wish overcoming this life obstacle were as easy as saying "forget and forgive!"

I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

But now I have to cool down, put on a smile and go to a business meeting. [Hello. How are you doing? I am great, thanks!] grrrrr
 
Raphael,

I can read your pain in this post and it is too common. Too have someone who loves you give such short shrift to this issue means they are either in denial or truly do not understand.

You deserve to be heard.

Marc
 
I am glad that you have a therapist to help you since others that you care about and hope for help from are not providing that.

It has been very hard to cut myself off from my biological family. Given their denial, I had to in order to move on. I would like to have healthy family relationships but that is not going to happen.

I have become part of and helped to create another family made up of people who love and support me.

Look elsewhere for support. Then, I think, you will be in a stronger and more self-confident position to discuss things with your sister.
 
People say those things to us because,
1) the truth is too terrible for them to deal with...
2) they dont really know what to say......
3) they actually think they are being supportive...
4) they dont really give a shit about your pain & they are just saying something & hopefully you will shut up...
5) they want you to feel bad...
Pick the one that fits. Yet, I admitt, those are some of the most painful things to hear.

My opinion anyways.
 
unfortunately, her attitude reflects what i continually run into. people as a whole just think you should be able to bounce back. perhaps some can, but lets face it, not everyone can. for many of us it overwhelms us. we dont have the ability to just bounce back. i'm afraid her attitude is common and ignorant. i dont think a non-survivor can fully understand it. i dont think they mean to hurt us, but they do. i understand how you feel.
 
Good for you that you are angry at a person in your life who cannot or will not give you the support you need!

I know it's upsetting and distressing, but to me it is a good sign that you now think highly enough of yourself to realize that you deserve some understanding and compassion rather than the old "just get over it" crap.

And it's good that you are taking care of yourself by recognizing your anger as appropriate and coming here (where people do understand, at least I do for sure) to write about it.

It may be that, like me, you will continue to have to find healthy ways to express this anger. For me that has been a good opportunity for me to examine myself, how I open myself up to people who hurt me (without really meaning to, of course) because they are limited in what they can do, feel, understand, sympathize.

My family's reactions to my life are a great reflection of their attitudes towards their own lives.

But I know that it does suck to go through this sort of thing. I want people to understand, but they just don't.

The main thing is that you and I come here where we can be understood for your love and sympathy and understanding.

There's that old saying about how crazy it is to go to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread. They ain't got no bread there!!

And though it might be frustrating and upsetting to leave without the bread, our anger is not enough to turn the hardware store into a bakery.

So welcome to the place where there's lots of good, fresh baked bread---isn't it good to know where to come for support and understanding?

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but wanted to let you know that I feel much the same and you have my support.

Regards,

Danny
 
Why do we even bother to think they can understand? The can't, they wont, they don't have the capacity to. Family denial is a heavy price to pay for all of us.

I know you love your sister, so it is you who must forgive her, for her wrong, in order to keep that love. Sounds so very familiar, :mad:

take care,

ste
 
Raphael and Ste: They cannot possibly understand. To understand is to experience it and even then they cannot understand the feelings of others. And to that I say THANK GOD. Nicole my wife says the same thing and to me it is ok because I am secure in the knowledge that she has been spared the trauma of SA. Does it make me angry when she says that. Yes it does but I also understand that she wants me free of the slime of SA. It will come to pass, God willing and as long as I persevere.
 
Raphael,
always keep on mind that your sister loves you.

It would be great if we could just forget, forgive and live happily after. But things are pretty much harder.
Even smallest episode of CSA is enough to destroy so much and people that love us do not understand this.

My sister also doesn't understand why I am so obsessed with my issues. It is strange, when I finally started openly to talk wit her about my problems now I have to fight her resistance to accept how much I am fuc*ed up. She simple does not get it.

Anyway I would keep talking with her. The worst thing would be to shut mouth and keep silent as I used to do most of my life.

I know how hard must be to deal with this for you, especially when everything is so related to other family members. You'll be in my thoughts.

PS. I had to laugh on myself when I read your last sentence about business meeting; that fake smile and polite conversation on business meetings is so familiar to me.

Ivo
 
This whole string has been VERY helpful to me, as I am experiencing the same anger at my family of origin right now.

I am the youngest of five, born and raised in the midwest. My parents are having their 50th wedding anniversary celebration this week, the entire family on an ocean cruise for three days. I am at my home in Baltimore, MD.

The guilt trips I have had because of THEIR problems with homophobia and denial of what happened, combined with a mother who has tried to "guilt" me into "just getting over it" has made my feelings of abuse even worse.

I DO deserve better, and so do you. Having this resource to vent or read others' frustrations helps SO VERY MUCH! Thank you all, and thanks to MS...

Keep the faith...
 
Raphael,

She has no clue how to handle this.

You don't need to forgive unless you get to a place where you can. I doubt anyone ever forgets. Repressing, suppressing, etc, those aren't forgetting.

Your anger is justified. She did not hear you, and worked hard at not hearing you. Maybe you should look somewhere else to be heard. Here, for instance.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Thank you guys for all of your support. It has been so important to me to feel that you are here for me, that I am not alone.

I am still in a place of anger and confusion. Perhaps I need to be there, perhaps it is part of the healing process. I have faith.

When talking to my sister, I told her that I was trying hard to "overcome this obstacle", as she put it, and that was why I was in therapy. Then I added that as I was too young at the time of the abuse, i don't have memories of things, I don't have memories of what was going on with my parents, my older brothers, my family in general, and I asked her to write me an email describing those years and how my parents' divorce affected each one of us. I told her that she would be helping me overcome the obstacle by sharing what she knows.

She wrote to me today, what I sense is the first of a series of messages that she could write. It is not a long message but already brings many facts that are disturbing to me.

She told me that my mother became very ill, my eldest brother started to have psichological problems and then started to abuse of alcohol, my other brother was on drugs and was very jealous of brother number 3, the one that abused me. She questioned if perhaps this brother that abused me hadn't been abused by brother number 2 (I have five brothers so bear with me!) and perhaps this is why to this very day he clearly does not like this brother. To make things worse my paternal grandmother lived with us and suffered from psichological problems.

She added that since I was three I was seen as "mommy's baby" and evryone believe I had homosexual tendencies. she went on and on.

I am glad she has shared these things with me. It is painful to read them but I believe if I can make more sense out of the puzzle I have in my mind, things will be better.

On the other hand, I am still there, at the bottom.

But I know I am not alone. And I know this will pass.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top