So Angry

I am feeling so angry right now, I feel almost paralyzed. I had been doing better, but the past few days have been awful. I feel like this is never going to end, I just want things to be peaceful. I don't want to be angry anymore. It is draining me, I can hardly move because all of my energy is just burned up with this rage and guilt.

My father emailed me the other day and said he was sad because all of his children had moved away, and I actually felt bad for him, after everything that he has done to me. He and my mother are alone, their children live far away, they are getting what the deserve, what they caused, and I feel guilty. I also feel so mad, because even after everything he did, everything she ignored, I still have more compassion for them than they have for me. I hate him even more for trying to pretend that he is loving and trying to have a relationship with me as if things are normal. How can you do that? How can you do the things he did and still think he can have that? The worst thing is that part of me still loves them, and I hate myself for being so weak. I shouldn't have any love or compassion for them, I wish I didn't, I just want to cut that part of myself out because it is killing me.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this. Socially I am so fucked up, I don't know how to relate to people, I push them away as soon as they become even slightly less than strangers. By some miracle I found a partner who loves me, and he tries to understand, but he can't. I don't trust his family, even though I should. I am constantly on guard, and I don't want to exist this way anymore. I can't figure any other way though, nobody taught me any other way. Nobody taught me how to live, to function. I'm doing the best I can, but I feel so weak. I hate myself for being so weak.

~Eric

 

[SoCalJohn]

Eric,

One of the ways out of the madness i have found that works for me is to get to a place where i am loving myself as much as i can at all times. Sometimes the best i can do is to just love myself for being so pissed off at everything and everyone around me, its like its ok for me to be mad and angry and frustrated and upset, and i can love myself for feeling all those things, does not have a whole lot to do with enjoying them or wanting to be in that space, just about acepting me where i am at the time.

When i am feeling all week and overwhelmed with things, i love myself for just recognizing that and seeing that it is there and then i go take a nap, hehe.

I wish you the best,

John

 

Man, I understand so much of what you said. Alot of guys are abused by people they love, family, friends, people they look up to. I think it screws up their idea of love later on because they get confused with the love for these people and the pain they caused. Youo don;t want to have compassion for them now after what they did to you, I understand that, but you;re better off in the long run if you can let go of some of that. DOn;t let anger and resentment and hatred be your life. I don;t know if I know where I;m going with this. I hate my abuser but he;s not in my family so I don;t see him. But I don;t want to spend the rest of my life dwelling on that and hating him. I;m trying to let go of some of that and try to look at the good. I have two great kids. If I could father these two great kids there must be something good in me worth loving. My wife chose me. She;s terrific. If this lady chose me to make a life with there must be something good in me.

I know this season will be hard on people who are alone or have to see there family that abused them. Go easy on yourselves, do something you enjoy, look for something good in other people or in yourself.