so afraid

[puppy]

ive been struggling with this for awhile. well i guess my whole life. or at least for the last few years, this 'who am i' thing. and what am i supposed to do with myself. i feel like im not even a person. i see other people doing normal things and having a plan and goals and doing things in a regular way. and i feel like i am just so out in left field. im taking summer classes at school just because well why not. but every day it just stresses me out more because i keep asking myself what the hell im working toward. a degree. for what. do i even enjoy any of what im studying. is it going to get me anywhere. i really only went to college because it was what other people were doing. i think thats how i live my life for themost part.

growing up, my parents were very strict about telling me what to do and how to act and dont say or do anything that doesnt fit into their definition of this perfect kid. and smile and pretend its ok, our family is perfect, keep all the secrets in your head until you want to explode. but beyond that, they never really taught me anything about life and what it would be like beyond our stupid little house and our screwed up family. yes i learned to obey authority without question. but other than that i learned nothing. and im so lost it is scaring the hell out of me. home was a horrible place to be but at least it was predictable. i didnt have the confusion of having to make decisions and all this stupid freedom to screw up. my father pretty much told me how to act, think, and feel. and that if you beat someone enough they will eventually agree with you. yeah it was scary. terrifying. but sometimes i think all this freedom is more terrifying. i miss the predictability.

i feel like there are too many choices and i dont know which ones to make. i dont want to make any at all. its like i really want to be back in that 'safe' zone. knowing that someone else is deciding everything, knowing that when im confusied i have someone to tell me how to think and feel and act. its sick to miss that or need that. and its so weak. but i feel like im not capable of doing anything myself.

i constantly wonder how people just KNOW what they want. how do you know what to do with your life. how do you know what you value. how do you know what choices are good and what choices are bad.

i just keep watching everyone else. my friends go to school, so i do. my friends go out and drink so i do. my friends like some sports so i do. i dont think i even have a personality. i just take little pieces of everyone around me and try to pretend its a life. and im just so afraid of it. i feel like whatever personality i had when i was a kid was just wiped out by all the abuse. like every time he touched me or hit me or raped me i just shut down and my brain erased more parts of me that were genuinely me. and i became like a robot. and now that immediate threat is gone and i dont have to shut down anymore but there isnt anything left. like im just blank.

blank really sucks.

 

[sophiesdad]

Puppy:

You're no different than anyone else of us. It is typical for CSA survivors to end up being overachievers because we never quite feel good enough. I have a friend who is a survivor who has 2 Master's degrees, is working on a Doctorate, is certified in Network Administration, and is a bronze star veteran. He's the most humble man that I know.... AND he doesn't think that he's done anything special.

I've gone thru most of my life feeling like a little kid amongst adults. Yes, I have a Master's degree, a satisfying job, a nice home, a 22 year old marriage... everything that anyone on the outside would look in and say,"He's successful." But I always feel inferior - especially to other men.

I have a great friend of 25 years - I've know him since he was in medical school and a starving student. He's got a good heart and has always watched my back in many situations. But, when I'm around him, I feel like a little kid and he's an adult even though we are the same age.

It's a strange phenomenon - we seem to get "stuck" at the age of our first abuse. The battle that we have to face in life is not only to mourn the loss of a childhood that we never had, but also to try and find some satisfaction in life at our many accomplishments. It's not an easy fight by any stretch of the imagination, but nevertheless a goal towards which to aim.

SD

 

we seem to get "stuck" at the age of our first abuse.

Hi SD!

That's a real scary thought for me. I mean, REALLY SCARY! As best as I have been able to piece together, my older brother started physically and sexually abusing me at 9 months old. Nine months! Yikes. Most of my life I've been feeling stuck. I'm one of those underachieving CSA survivors. Could that be why? Geez. I'm feeling kind of dumbfounded by that statement. What you are saying makes sense but...9 months? Wow!

Also, Puppy, I just want to say that I have kept journals going way back to my high school days. And some of what you wrote are the same things I was saying to myself way back when. But the big difference is that you are dealing with your CSA issues now. So it's painful. It's scary. It really sucks that you don't have a Mom and Dad to support you. But you are an amazing young man. I know you don't believe it. But ask any guy here. Anyhow, my point is that it's okay to feel how you are feeling. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Okay?

All the best!

Jasper

 

[TJ jeff]

Hi Puppy,

So much of what you have said here is what goes through my mind so very often - you have put it in words so much better than I ever could have...

growing up, my parents were very strict about telling me what to do and how to act and dont say or do anything that doesnt fit into their definition of this perfect kid. and smile and pretend its ok, our family is perfect, keep all the secrets in your head until you want to explode. but beyond that, they never really taught me anything about life and what it would be like beyond our stupid little house and our screwed up family. yes i learned to obey authority without question. but other than that i learned nothing. and im so lost it is scaring the hell out of me. home was a horrible place to be but at least it was predictable. i didnt have the confusion of having to make decisions and all this stupid freedom to screw up.

this is exactly how it was for me growing up - cept it was my Mom who was the one who had to have everything 'perfect' - dad was the complacent one who just goes along with everything she says

feel like there are too many choices and i dont know which ones to make. i dont want to make any at all. its like i really want to be back in that 'safe' zone. knowing that someone else is deciding everything, knowing that when im confusied i have someone to tell me how to think and feel and act. its sick to miss that or need that. and its so weak. but i feel like im not capable of doing anything myself.

Yeah - I still miss that 'safe zone' of not haveing to make any decissions - I now understand that it is because of the way that I was raised that I feel this way - but knowing it does'nt make the feeling go away...

i just keep watching everyone else.

yeah - me too - I have learned so much through watching others lifes - it is sad that we have to learn this way - but I have learned a lot and I am thankfull to those who have let me into their lives to see how things should be done in a loving and supportive family...

pup - I kno that it might seem like you are drifting aimlessly right at the moment - but I urge you to keep on going - you are headed in the right directions - school is always a good thing - never just a waste of time - you might be amazed at just how much it helps you in securing good paying jobs down the road...

 

[Leosha]

Puppy,

It is just recently, now, that I can say I am living my life for myself, and not for others. It is odd, discovering yourself, what you like and do not, what you want and do not. And honest, sometime I still do not know. I actually enroled in university to piss off my coach, not because it was expected of me or was something I had such interest to do. So some of my behaviors have not only been because it's what is expected, but what would be best for spite.

And I can recognize very much the idea of something being not great, but predictable. It is hard to break the cycle and the change what is 'normal' to us, even when 'normal' is quite bad. Change involves fear, and what we know, at least it is what we know.

It is something, like everything, I think you need to take one step at a time. We do not just change overnight from a 'yes' person to someone who finds our own wants and seeks them. But perhaps you could look at what you are doing in life right now, and decide truly, how you feel of it. Is it something that brings you happiness, joy, that you like, don't like, don't care? Maybe if you try that with few things that you do on regular basis, and find you do not truly enjoy them, or do not care, you can start backing off of them somewhat. And start giving yourself more time for the things that you truly DO enjoy, as you find them.

I wish you luck. Any change is hard. But once we start to change, it gets easier and more natural to us.

Leosha