small steps toward normality and self acceptance

small steps toward normality and self acceptance
I

Ivo

Registrant
Last night I had small gathering party with my new gay friends at the capital.
Host for that party was J., an American guy, he is the newest member of our small group.
Everything was perfect and we were all in good mood.
J. is really interesting, extremely well educated and open. We found a lot of common things to talk about.
Gay people are still unofficially forced to practically live illegally in my country and real scene doesn't exist so I had a lot of questions for J. because he is coming from much more different and friendly environment.
At the end I had to go. I went to the exit doors and J. went after me. We shake hands and then he hug me and wanted to friendly kiss me. I was frozen for one-two seconds; it is normal for me to have friendly kiss and hug with male cousins and really good friends that I didn't see for long time, but this was different. I need more time to gain trust to men than normal people. Anyway I dismissed my hesitation and kiss him back.

I felt good and accepted.

I came relatively late to my home after the drive from the capital and I went straight to bed. This morning I saw that J. sent me a sms message on my cell phone after I left. He just wanted to be sure that I was careful during drive and to remind me that we should go out on the weekend.

I confirmed plans for the Saturday night naturally, how can I say no when someone is so nice?

Ivo
 
Hi Ivo.

I know that frozen feeling, pure fear if there is any possibility of a sexual element. Yes you do need more time than others to trust, and all I can suggest is that you take that time. When I first tried to be intimate with anyone I would have to be drunk to deal with the fear, it was the only way I could cope. Intimacy is very scary for us, and no wonder.

You can say no, no matter how nice someone is. You have a right to choose how close you want to get to J and to choose how long you need to feel safe. Building trust takes time and we need to respect that.

Take good care.

Rustam.
 
I am glad to see that you are headed in a direction that you want with relationships.

I never did get past that wall of not wanting to be touched so intimately. I regret all the lost opportunities but that is how it is/was.

I'm glad that you are not getting caught in that trap.

Congratulations and good luck.
 
Today is Monday and everything is different...

On Saturday I prepared myself to go to meet with J. I was very nervous. He offered me, in his message, to stay at night at his place. I knew what he meant by this sentence. I responded positively.

I did exercises all day, I went to my working place, I did some house cleaning activities but all the time, despite all these measures I felt panic. I drove like lunatic, made thousands small mistakes and felt as I was somewhere else, my concentration was below zero.

In the evening I met Him and some other friends as well. We cruised through bars and discotheques. J. drank whisky heavily. He brought and brought new bears to me. I complained and finally decided that I won't drink anymore. He kept with drinking (I do not like this characteristic of him).

At 4 in the morning we decided that it is time to leave. Outside was heavy rain and was really cold. Our friend drove us to J.'s place.
We went upstairs.
I set and J. put his head on my lap. He wanted me but I knew that he was too drunk so I started to talk with him.
We talked for about 1 hour. We were both very tired. We went to bed. I laid beside him and tried to sleep. I was too nervous, one part of mine mind couldn't relax so I can not say how much time exactly did I sleep.

In the morning we started love play. All the time I had to assure myself that everything was ok and that I knew what I was doing. Earlier that night I told to J. that I am not experienced so he was gentle with me.

After we were finished I felt fulfilled, J. gave me really big pleasure and I didn't feel disgusted with my sexuality for the first time. We slept few more hours. My sister called me and I had to go. J. was sleeping like death man. I just said to him bye and left. I was very sad because I had to leave so quickly without a chance to speak with him.

Streets were scary empty. Near peaks of the mountains were covered with the first snow of this winter and the air was really cold. I couldn't believe that I made love!

At home I slept all day.

In the evening I started to speak with my sister. She knew that I hooked with someone. She was already suspicious but didn't tell me. I told her that I might stay at the capital during night and she couldn't sleep all night because of me. She told me that all this is unnatural and wrong.
She is in shock by my acting.
My sister means very much to me, if she is hurt then I am also. Now I am the main reason of her worries. I spoke with her and I culmed her a little bit but things would never be the same.
I gained and lost very precious things at the same time.
Now I definitely know that it is out of question to speak with my father or other relatives that I am gay. It would destroy everything and they would deal with me differently for forever.

Sister is planning to visit my brother as soon as possible. I told her that she can freely speak with him about me, I do not have anything to hide.

Things went out of control. I am bringing only problems to all people who I met and love. It seems that I do not fit anywhere.
The worst is that when I finally discovered that I am able to enjoy in making love it has to stop. After this turmoil I wouldn't be ready for intimacy so easy again.

And, how strangely, smell of his skin is in my nose as if I am still laying near him in his bed. It drives me crazy.

Why is life so complicated?
 
Ivo life is not really so complicated. We eat, we breath, we work and we sleep. It is ourselves and those around us that make it so damned complicated.

Your sister was just plain wrong. Sorry to be so up front. Unnatural my left foot!! You are an honest gay man. Why is that so bad. You have never had any control over your sexual identity. We are born the way we are. I think, in time, that your sister will come to realize that each of us are unique and she will come to realize that she must not be against anything she knows nothing about.

Ivo you have nothing to hide or be ashamed about believe me. There is no reason for you to change. You are just like most human beings. We need the warmth and closeness of another soul. That is good and not dirty.

Ivo do not try and change for the sake of pleasing others. In the whole equation it is you that is important.

And be kind to youself ok!!! ;)
 
What Mike wrote is so true, Ivo.

There is no shame in being who we truly are.

For so many reasons, often unknown, others try to dress us up in the rags of guilt they have created for themselves.

With the love and support of those who understand us, like here at MS, we can refuse to play the role they cast for us.

Instead we proceed one step at a time to become the wonderful, loving creatures we have always been.

And, my friend, regarding the title of your post....these sound like some very big and wonderful steps to me.

I encourage you to savor and enjoy these moments of discovery and intimacy. They come to us as gifts from a loving God, in my humble opinion.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

It is very encouraging and very beautiful. Like watching a flower open.

Regards,
 
Mikey and Danny thank you very much on your support.
I've been thinking a lot these two days. I am still not prepared to fight against homophobic feelings in my family. It would bring too many painful emotions.
On long term I would need some plan for coming out, I do not feel nor guilt nor shame anymore for who I am, actually I feel really excited.
The truth about myself was for so long time unacceptable for me because of damn SA impact. Everything sexual was dirty for me and now I discovered totally new world.
I feel normal and it is really great feeling.


PS. I was little concerned that I was maybe too open/direct (my latest trait that I gained with the help of this site :-)), I hope that I didn't insult anyone.

Thank you all once more.
Ivo
 
Not a bit brother. I am glad that you are comfortable with who you are. That is as it should be. Exciting too. Good for you.
 
Hi IVO, First a slightly off topic subject, spelling. I see there are a few miss spelled words, not being critical here, I am the worlds worst speller. I thought I would tell you about the program I use the most on messages boards. Ispell https://www.iespell.com/index.htm After typing your message just right click and select check spelling! If you have two words that sound alike you can click on meaning, and find out what the word means. This is so cool!
Ok back on topic!
A. I think you are young and innocent. Not a bad thing!
b. your family should adjust in time
c. I think J moves much faster than you do.
d. I think you are more the type that wants to get to know someone for at least a week or two before sex. If this is true, you should speak up! Say you like him but want to go slow. OK end of lecture.
 
Hello Lostcowboy,
your observations about my spelling are I am afraid correct. I am usually using spelling checker but sometimes even that doesn't help me when I am absentminded and emotional.
On the other hand, there is nothing similar to English spelling in my language. I am native to totally different system of writing and reading and it is very frustrating for me to learn English spelling on satisfying level.

Back on topic:
You are right. J is moving much faster than me. I would speak on this subject with him tonight.
Thanks on your lecture :) .

By the way I am wishing you a warm welcome.

Ivo
 
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