Small steps often feel like great big leaps,

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JethroTull

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Three and a bit years on from the box I kept my abuse locked away in bursted open and the pain of my abuses came flooding out and flushed me and everything I had built in my battle to feel worthy down into the sewer. I am taking slow and steps forward, I have now been back at work for two weeks. As I write this I am smiling to myself, as I know it is silly, up until Nov 2017 I had worked every day off my life, building a life for my family and I out of nothing. So talking about going back to work for two weeks feels like such a little step compared to everything else I have been through and achieved. However for the two years leading up to going off work I was under huge levels of stress, although at the time I did not know what stress, or indeed any emotion was. I was being targeted by a colleague at work, being gaslighted, almost daily, not being listened too, or taken seriously, as it was just a personality thing. For two year the constant drip, drip drip of attracts, to small to be taken seriously, but impactful enough to erode my self esteem, to the point of complete collapse.

A year after my hospitalisation, I went back to work, but not functioning anywhere near the level I was before I was ill. I could not handle conflict in any form, so colleagues that I considered as friends before all this, stop talking to me. They didn’t know how to handle my modes, my constant triggers, my disassociations. And after twelve month of playing at being ok, I was made redundant. This took away the ruminates of self worth I had been able to cobble together whilst in hospital.

Now fourteen months on from this I have entered back into work, five months of Covid restrictions, three interviews and long periods of not knowing, but I got the job, before Christmas, but had to wait until the new year before starting. However considered this as tIme to breath and get my head into the right place.

Two weeks ago I took the giant step of walking into my new role, a higher position with more responsibility then I had before. I had to control my vocal ticks, have faith in my own knowledge and skills, in their ability to see my capacity to do the job and manage across complex activities. God I was so scared, I vomited on my way to work for my first day. But I doing it and yesterday I told my wife something that took a great deal to say and made me cry with emotions, “I starting to feel safe.” I never thought I would feel that again. They are such small steps but they feel so very large for me and are taking every bit of me to achieve.
 
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