Small physical abuse, big mental abuse

Anarq

New Registrant
Hi Guys.

I hope you all are doing well.

So let's get into this. Me and my girlfriend have been together for the past 5 years and like with any normal relationship we have our ups and downs. Like most relationships I suppose, the other party's parent or parents (mom in this case) does not like me and in all honesty I really couldn't care that she doesn't, a lot of people do not like me because I lack in the sugar coating things department, however, this situation is causing me immense emotional distress and it makes me question being a man more often than I would like.

I will take it back to when I first met her mother. Me and my girlfriend at the time have been dating for about a month or so and it was time to finally meet the 'in-law" mother. To my surprise meeting her was not the usual "Hello, how are you?" or " Hello, nice to meet you." No instead I was met with animosity and disrespect because surely I could not be any better than the previous boyfriends my girl has been involved with. This being said I immediately got told that I will not date her daughter, I do not have enough money or influence to be considered a good partner for her. I felt at the time very broken up and hurt by this and I suppose to a degree I still feel hurt. Time went on and I found a way to kind of cope with the fact that I am disliked. But it gets a bit worse.

Now I need to also explain that this woman is extremely well off. Like to put it in perspective, she has reached a level of riches that affords her to basically have a room in her house that is converted into a pharmacy and she never has to eat a real meal again, all she needs to do is pop a couple of pills and she's fed for the day. That being said, and this is probably one of the most awful things to live with, she has made it her mission in life to make me understand that I will never have what she has and I will never be good enough, so much so that she could help her daughter at any given time with any problem yet she refuses because of me. She went so far as to tell her she is writing her out of her will and testament because of me. Silly things like my girl needs to go to the dentist, her mother could literally sort her out right now but no I won't because I am trying to prove to this boy that he is useless. I am not useless I just work a dead end job with minimum wage and I am trying to give us the life we want but its not that easy. So things like this continued to happen and probably the worst of it all was when we got pregnant and had to make the hardest decision of our lives and that was that we wouldn't be able to afford it and that the shame they will put on me for this would be to much to cope with. So we decided to abort and this was horrible for me. I still think about it. This woman would ridicule me for it. Saying things like " You know, when I got pregnant I kept the baby" and in the back of my head I just think to myself well you could have left it because your parents raised your child anyways.

Now having this slight bit of info on her the story continues. At one stage of it all we were living in her house but we were basically prisoners. Everything we did seemed to be a problem. "Don't touch this, don't use that, do you know how much that cost?" This is the type of interactions we would always have with her. Look I understand fully that if you worked hard for something it does afford you a certain level of respect from others but I do not condone you rubbing it in my face and making me feel like less of a person for it. Back to living in her house, it just became unbearable for us and we finally decided to move out into our own place and lo and behold I get called out again for forcing her daughter to make decision when it really was a collective decision because both of us couldn't stand it anymore. So we start packing up getting ready to move, loading things on the trailer to get going and she starts pestering me. Snarky remarks, insults and generally just toxic towards me. While all this is going on and she is saying these things to me I kept thinking to myself just keep it in we will be gone from here soon. But the name calling and insults did not stop, and like any human being I suppose that's had enough. I had enough.

A very heated exchange started between me and her and not to go into too much detail, but I ended up saying to her that I would be able to give her daughter a family like she never could. Long story short she dropped my girl off at her grandparents and lived her life barely ever making a effort to see her daughter. Saying what I said I knew exactly why I said it and how much it would hurt. It was my moment of revenge for all the hurt she keeps putting me through. This was a mistake. She then proceeded to grab me by the throat and strangle me. I obviously got even more heated at her and told her you don't ever do this to me and then proceeded to give some terms as to how this would work moving forward and I made it very clear that she is not welcome at my house. Of course this woman would not let up and inserted her self in my business anyways. Came to my house when I deliberately said stay away. Fortunately for her she was smart enough to leave every time before I got there, but the fact remains that she clearly disrespected my wishes.

Maybe I am just being whiny about this but it lies so heavy with me because the constant thought of had I done the same thing to her I would probably be in prison now with the way gender based violence works. On top of all of this she expects me to go and apologize but I really don't feel its fair that I should go apologize for being physically assaulted. I know for a fact if my girl had to go talk to her and tell her that I expect a apology for the assault she will be met with the "aaawww is he a baby? Hung up on a little physical assault?" The thought of this enrages me to my core and its starting to eat me up alive. I am emotional with people that don't deserve anger or animosity from me and I feel that I am starting to hurt people because I can not get closure on this. Any advice or ideas regarding this would be highly appreciated. Again I would just like to say that I am sorry if this comes across like I am just bitter. I probably am a bit bitter but it comes from a very hard and difficult place and I need to find a way to let this go.

Kind Regards

Anarq
 
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Sprinter

Registrant
@Anarq Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome to MS, I am pretty new here also. I'm a survivor of female abuse. Dude, you're totally making sense to me.

Maybe I am just being whiny about this but it lies so heavy with me
Yes! It does lie so heavy. I appreciate that phrase. Even just trying it on, I feel relief, seeing more clearly all the stuff that happened to me -- and what I did in response (a lot was not good).

Sounds like you've done your best to be reasonable but found yourself in a vicious situation. You seem aware to me; not at all whiny. (Also, when working through emotional distress, being whiny is perfectly fine.) Feeling bitter is understandable. I give you credit for knowing your feelings -- and expressing them here. Yeah, those might be big, big feelings. Sounds like you are processing, and taking responsibility for yourself appropriately. Props.

The thought of this enrages me to my core and its starting to eat me up alive.
I get it. To me, it's a feeling unlike anything else. When attempting to state, "A female abused me," the denial and convoluted evasion seems to be everywhere. It is not fair. The words have been stolen from us and twisted around. It's a roadblock to our moving forward, a roundabout with no exit visible. I'm just trying to heal from abuse! When I think about my situation (years ago), it hurts; when I think about the response from "good people," I feel enraged. Still.

I just wanted to let you know I resonate with what you're saying. I don't have a lot of answers. Working with a T has been helped. Finding the right T for me took a long time. With one or two people who believe me, talking has helped. Not just who listen or sympathize, but who understand how and why this is maddening layered on maddening. Also, stepping away from the "yeah but" people helps clear the air. Reading what other male survivors say helps me understand what's going on inside me. That lets me try to release pressure and get grounded.

PS: The "apology" thing is just a common tool for manipulation used by abusive individuals. Makes no sense whatever.
 
...Of course this woman would not let up and inserted her self in my business anyways. Came to my house when I deliberately said stay away. Fortunately for her she was smart enough to leave every time before I got there, but the fact remains that she clearly disrespected my wishes.
Anarq, I'm so sorry for what you've been through!

What is happening to you right now is NOT okay!

I have to ask - what are your girlfriend's thoughts on all of this? Did she allow her mother into your home while you were gone?

This is a situation that your girlfriend really needs to step up and address. It's HER family - it should fall on HER to set proper boundaries with her mother, not YOU!

I would strongly - STRONGLY STRONGLY - suggest not engaging with her mother at all...EVER!

This is a toxic and dangerous situation, but not one in which YOU should be a participant.
 
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