Slow me down-I want to tell husband all

Slow me down-I want to tell husband all
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Ok,

Maybe it's just one of those days, but I'm reading and reading this whole site and cannot believe the similarities between behaviors here (such as distancing) and behaviors of my husband, who disclosed his CSA to me a few yrs back, back when I didn't know what to say or do, and certainly did not know the magnamity of, so we never brought it up again. Also I don't believe he had such persistent and serious effects from it back then, as he does now.

He is continuing to be distant now and still will not say he loves me any more for 2 months now but will still say it to our child. He still has numb feelings if I hug him. I can see he wants his "own time and SPACE." I honestly don't think he knows where the deep-down worthless feelings are coming from. YET he does not want to talk to anyone, no marital counseling, nothing. So maybe he'll just never find out on his own. He did agree to spend more time at home since he told me he does not "feel close" to me - and I suggested maybe he should spend more time around me so we can get close. And he did say, "Don't expect it to get better overnight...." Boy, do I know that.

I am DYING to sit him down and say, "Look, here's what it looks like to me," and go into all matter of similarities with him, all I have learned from this site....everything. But do I run the risk of him shutting off from me completely if I do that? I just want to speed up the process of him realizing why he does not trust anyone, why he has this horrible worthlessness inside him THAT WAS NEVER HIS.

He knows I love him unconditionally and am here to stay no matter what. God, I want to see him happy for once, able to enjoy real feelings. He deserves it.

At the moment he is out of town on business. So I have been on this site a lot without fear of him coming home and discovering it. I read really fast and have spent hours mostly late at night reading all your posts. I feel I am light yrs ahead of him in understanding what he is going through.

For what it's worth - just had to vent.
Brokenhearted
 
Brokenhearted,

The short answer to your post is that if you sit him down and present him with all this information it will either go right over his head or overwhelm him.

I guess the big problem here is that recovery from abuse isn't about receiving correct information that tells the survivor why he feels as he does, or shows him what he has to do in order to recover. So even if you had every bit of information he will ever need for his recovery, there would still be something missing.

That "something" would be his confidence, self-esteem, and conviction that the facts he is learning can actually be believed and trusted as a basis for rebuilding his life. What I'm getting at here is that the survivor has to do the work himself; he has to make the decisions himself; he has to see the path as HIS path.

It has to be this way because the survivor didn't just suffer physical abuse; there was also a tremendous element of emotional devastation. And THAT part of the damage is where he needs not just facts, but also new emotional skills and ways of thinking about himself and his place in the world. It's almost like he has to reinvent himself, although in fact what he's doing is recovering the real authentic "me" that was there all along.

So in sum, it's great you are absorbing so much information and are so willing to help. But he will need this help over the long term, as he not only hears and processed this information, but learns to believe and trust it.

Much love,
Larry
 
Roadrunner,

So are you saying that he will just eventually figure it out on his own, that he WILL? Is that what every MS here did??

Do you believe that his need for space, no intimacy, his horrible feelings of worthlessness inside, all are on a definite track to him either having memories or just a realization of why he feels the way he does?

OR can a man have these feelings about himself indefinitely without ever arriving at an understanding?

I sound so redundant, with a little of raving lunatic thrown in, but I can't help it.

Is there ANYTHING I can do or say to help the process along? I don't want to feel like I'm playing therapist, but I could do the "mirroring thing" when he does talk to me.....like, "So you only want women to massage you, not men. Hmm."

I've heard I should mainly just love him. Well, I'm doing that. More than he knows, incidentally. Is there anything I can do to help him discover the authentic person inside that he was (and still is) before this happened, or help his confidence along, or anything? Am I doomed to just stand by and watch him need his space, distance himself from me, wondering if he's going to draw the conclusion that our marriage is just no good, and worry about him deciding to leave? He's said he doesn't know why he's unhappy...

Should I just quietly stand by him, giving him through osmosis a feeling that I understand what he's going through, without saying so?

I know this is a delicate thing. Have other MS's sought therapy finally as a result of their spouses giving an ultimatim of sorts? I've already stated I don't want to do that, but heck, if it's the one way.... should I just give this another yr and see? Watch him change jobs and move us all around the country in search of a bigger, better jobs, since his present success is never good enough for him? I know he is trying to fill the hole in the soul with material things and it hasn't worked yet.

Hope you ck back to read this ranting. I am sure you are right, but give me any straws to grab onto, if you can.

Thanks,
Brokenhearted
 
Larry (and others),

This is a P.S. Sorry I write fast too.

I just have to add, I've read how many of you advise the supporting person to maybe give Mike Lew's book or this website or even the article about the NFL player who revealed he was SA'd to help their survivors. Do I not do any of these things either until my husband connects his current awful internal feelings/distance to his abuse? Do you think he maybe has connected it if he's having such a hard time in life w/ his feelings right now, saying he doesn't know why he's unhappy, very edgy, etc? I hate to sit by and watch him relocate us around the country for bigger, better jobs (he's always searching to fill up his hole in the soul with material things-he already has great success but doesn't see it-it's never enough), and/or possibly decide it must be that his marriage isn't right, he should leave us? I know he's confused. But it is hard to stand by and not be able to help....is there ANYTHING I can do besides just loving him? Is there a way I can help him rediscover that authentic/innocent child he was (still is)? I've read books about remembering what it was you wanted to do w/ your life when you were a child, that try to rejuvenate those dreams, since many of them get forgotten along the way. Sort of excavating your true self type books. Would something like that even help at all?
 
I don't think that I have any answers. This is similar to what I am going through so I thought I would just vent here.
So my husband disclosed about 1 year ago. Since he has done this we have had absolutely no intimacy. Otherwise, our marriage is perfect. I know my husband loves me....even though he doesn't show it. He seems completely fine on the outside....but I'm not sure what is going on inside. He's super smart, funny, kind, compassionate, and a natural leader.
I have been trying to not push him into counseling or make him feel guilty for not being intimate with me. So basically I have avoided the topic for the last 5 months.
Then on Sat. He opened up to me with out me bringing up the subject first. He told me that he feels very intimidated by me. He feels uncomfortable arround me....not just when we are in an intimate situation but when we are alone together. He told me that he is frustrated that everything in our life seems "filtered
through this abuse. He states he is afraid of the stereotypes....that he does not want to be arround children or maybe even have children because he doesn't want people to worry that he is abusing children. This is so sad to me because I know my husband would NEVER do anything like this and I know he would like to have children because his face lights up whenever he sees a little child. He is very intelligent and states he understands this whole situation perfectly. He just doesn't know how therapy would help.
Then 2 days later....I thought I had the greeen light to talk about this stuff now. I told him that I need some assurance that he is doing better. I told him that he should try something.....reading a book, going to this site, trying to be intimate with me (maybe cuddleing?) I wasn't too pushy but gently told him my needs weren't being met. His face fell and I could tell I reallly hurt him. I could tell that he was embarressed and frustrated that he was not enough for me. And I could tell that he thought that he wasn't good enough for me....that I deserve something better. (even though I constantly tell him that is not true)
So my questions are.
1) Am I being selfish by wanting something more (intimacy)? He really is perfect otherwise but I can't help wanting ...kissing, hand holding, compliments etc.
2) What would therapy really accomplish???? The only problem he has on the outside is dealing with me. He seems to have complete understanding of his abuse.
3) What if therapy makes things worse? Things were so much better before I knew about all this stuff. The more I talk about it the more pain I seem to cause him.
4) Should I just go another 5 months with out bringing this stuff up? I don't want to push him but he broke my heart telling me he didn't want to be arround children.
Thanks!
 
Brokenhearted,

Just ask whatever you want, whenever you want. Nobody here minds questions.

What I meant was that the hard work has to "belong" to him. He has to make the decisions and take the steps forward, because ultimately it's HIM who has to believe in and trust his progress enough to rebuild his life on that basis.

No, I don't think there is a natural progression from abuse to recovery that proceeds on its own momentum. The various steps have to be encouraged through therapy (preferably), local and other support, and the survivor's own courage and determination.

We are all different in background and personality, our abuse experiences were different, and the support we have is also different from one person to the next. So it's difficult to predict how long recovery will take and how complete it will be.

You basically ask what you can do to encourage him. I can just say what was crucial for me:

1. Let him know that you believe him when he talks about what happened. When he does talk he needs you to listen, not "fix" things or propose solutions.

2. Keep telling him the abuse wasn't his fault and that he isn't worthless, as he feels.

3. Encourage him to get into therapy and stick with it.

4. Make sure he knows you are interested in his progress but don't judge him in any way. He will have setbacks, and at those times he needs to hear he isn't a failure.

5. He needs to hear from you what your own feelings and expectations are. He may not be able to figure these out on his own.

6. Emphasize to him that he isn't alone with his difficulties or feelings. If he can come here that would help him a lot.

Just some ideas,

Much love,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted,

While you can't and shouldn't try to repair damage that your husband won't even admit to, you have every right to insist that he make an effort to repair the damage that's being caused now. The two of you are married, you have a child and each of you has a responsibility to your family. That, I think, is where your focus should be.

Your husband needs space right now? OK, sit down and speak with him and assure him that you're willing to give him that, but not to the detriment of your family. You don't have to tell him any of the things you suspect, you just have to let him know, which you already are, that you love him and want your family to stay intact. At the same time, though, you can't just sit by while he disappears on you - emotionally or physically, leaving you to carry it all. That's not fair to either of you or your daughter. How many husbands or wives do you know of who say, hey, we've got problems that WE need to work on. It doesn't need to be laid on him, but someone needs to do something.

The health and success of your family depends on both of you. Would he respond to such a challenge? When you talk, you could throw out a few key words like distancing, disassociating and the like without ever mentioning csa or childhood for that matter because people do these things for a multitude of reasons. Maybe he doesn't even realize the extent to which he's hurting you. My guy needs things spelled out, almost phonetically sometimes before he gets it. Maybe your husband does too.

ROCK ON.........Trish

Stupid PS: Why is phonetically so hard to spell when the meaning is to make things easier to pronounce? :D
 
Brokenhearted,

You already heard that you shouldn't push your husband into anything and that he need's to approach it at his own pace.

I think you could have a conversation about your personal feelings though. Talk about things you feel but avoiding his issues. You might tell him you feel sad sometimes, talk about your past hurts, talk about your dreams, etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is to open up your heart from your side, slowly though. Create an "safe place" for him where it's okay to bring up feelings.

I know I don't like to talk about things because of the shame & guilt I felt. I have to feel very safe to do so, especially because I fear rejection. I feel safe on this MS board because I read other men talk about there shameful feelings for a while before I brought up my own. I don't know, maybe you could talk about a time when you were ashamed of yourself for something you did.

These are just some ideas I had. I think you have to take all the suggestions you get here and adapt things to your situation as you see fit. No one knows your situation or your husband as well as you do.

It's hard to not want to rush recovery but it takes time.

Sunny
 
Hi Brokenhearted,

who disclosed his CSA to me a few yrs back, back when I didn't know what to say or do, and certainly did not know the magnamity of, so we never brought it up again. Also I don't believe he had such persistent and serious effects from it back then, as he does now.
Click to expand...
It sounds to me that you may have come across as insensitive back then, and so he went back into his shell.
I know I went back in to my shell when I told my wife in 1992. The navy had told me they didn't believe that something that had happen so long ago could effect me in 1992, and so they were trying to get me out on a admin discharge for drinking to much. When I told the wife this, she agreed with the navy. You never saw a guy shut down so fast, and I have been pretty much shut down with her ever since, I just don't tell her anything that goes on inside my head. Edited to add: my problems came back in November of 2004, that's when I found the site here.

Back to your husband, being that he has told you what happened, I think it would be ok to tell him about this site.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Brokenhearted,

I could have written your post a few years ago (which you probably know if you've been reading old posts)-- I have been frustrated and impatient, and scared that he will not recover (or recover too late for our family). There is a huge impulse to DO something...

The most important thing to realize is-- Listening IS doing something. Just being available to support him when he asks for it IS something. Having the trust and confidence in him, that he'll ask you to support him and listen to him when he wants it, is a big something.

If everyone listened to, supported, and believed children when they told people what they needed and what felt right for them, we'd have no need for this site.

By doing the things which feel like doing nothing, you are giving your husband back something he lost, and something he needs if he's ever going to be able to put things together on the emotional level that Larry talks about in his response to you.

Two other quick things, and maybe I can come back to them later today:

1. Please be kind to yourself when you are reading here. This discussion board has a lot of wisdom and healing power but it can also be scary and depressing. If you feel anxious or overwhelmed, take a break.

2. You said:
I feel I am light yrs ahead of him in understanding what he is going through.
Click to expand...
You may be light years ahead of where YOU were previously in understanding what he goes through, but that is not the same thing.

Assuming that you know best about someone else's experiences and feelings tends to keep people from opening up, and it probably isn't the case anyway.

I like Trish's advice of taking the knowledge you've gained and applying it to things that are happening to your family today, rather than focusing on his past.
 
Everyone,

Thank you ALL for your input as I am taking it all in.

I can't type too much right now but wanted to say thanks because I truly am very appreciative of it ALL. You guys are helping me more than you know.

You know, I was thinking back to when my hus. disclosed to me....I am by nature a very "southern lady" kind of person, to some standards, sheltered, etc., and I may have made a little bit of a yucky face when he told me, and said something like, "Ugh, really?" I don't really remember. I don't think it was insensitive, but certainly probably lacking compassion or I just should have been more mature or calm, maybe? Wow, to think that I could have helped him back THEN, instead of him retreating back into his shell all this time. WOW. I definitely feel I can handle it now.

More later,
 
Brokenhearted,

Just to add two brief things if that's okay:

SAR suggests focusing on where the family is now, rather on dwelling on your husband's past. That's a great idea, and I would just expand that a bit to include how you reacted in the past as opposed to what you see now. Please don't get caught in the trap of lamenting what might have been possible years ago - you will never really know, will you? And in any case, we can't change the past. Try to focus on where you are now, simply because NOW is the time and place where you can act and make progress.

My other thought comes from your title: "Slow me down". Good idea actually. The problems before you and your husband have been emerging and evolving for years, and they aren't going to be solved by absorbing as much information as you can as fast as you can.

Sure, it's good to be informed. But a good relationship has an ample element of peace and tranquility to it. Try to work towards that by taking care of yourselves and each other. It will be good for you to see that the other is there for you even though you both know recovery is a long-term effort.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

POints well taken. I vascillate between wanting to just leave him be, and wanting to tell him that he must talk to someone now or our family will not survive. I also worry about something the T told me, that he will not be the best role model for our daughter if he is unfeeling toward me, thereby demonstrating how men should treat women, and she will sense that and may be hurt by him the same way I am.

I think I'll just keep it low and slow for now and be thinking about what I'll say, one day.

THANK YOU!
 
While being supportive and understanding of your husband its also important to respect yours and your daughters bounderies. What I mean ... is that you mention you move around a lot and that your husband keeps looking for the bigger and better job. Make sure you set boundaries that are supporitve to you and your daughter as well as communicate them.

One thing that caught my eye is that your daughter is 3 years old. For many of us, and definitely me, the arrival of a newborn triggers the abuse feelings. When my niece arrived I was so happy yet parinoid that others would abuse her. As she approached 4 years old, the age which I was abused, things got worst until I fell into a depression. I finally started to deal with things. I'm not saying your husband will be falling into a depression, but this may explain why his behavior has changed recently.

I do think you should buy Mike Lew's book and read it for your own knowledge/understanding. Let him know your reading to understand what he's going through and how to be supportive of him (the truth). Leave it laying around so your husband will see it. When he's ready he'll pick it up or ask you what you think/what you've learned from the book. As a side note, if you purchase the book through this website (which takes you to either amazon or barnes and noble) malesurvivor recieves a percentage of the purchase.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Born to Resist,

You are probably dead-on about my husband's change in behavior at the time when we have a little child. I have no idea how old he was when his CSA happened, but I definitely think it's something about being around our daughter now that makes him different. Also I wouldn't put depression past him - he has had terrible stomach problems now for about the last 4 months, the stomach problems continue to where it hurts...he doesn't sleep much at all either. It all ties together, I believe.

I think I will take your advice and get that book. I have read "Allies in Healing" but hid it from him. I think Mike Lew's book is more the one I would like him to see, as people have said it helps the survivor himself somewhat. I also want him to go to this site, but am not sure if he's ready/receptive.

Thanks again and I think you made a great point, and also I am watching out for our daughter and me, I understand his career may move naturally to take us to other cities. But I'm not going just anywhere, we'd have to talk about it.
 
You may also want to leave the Allies in Healing out. Reason being your reading/read both books for the same reason. It seems a bit odd that you hid one book and not the other to him if he finds this out.

Your call on deleting some of your posts or asking that they be removed. Keep in mind when you become a member of malesurvivor that you can post in the members Family and Friends without Survivors being able to see. This is for the very reason you are describing ... to post freely without concern.
 
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