Sleep, maybe is trigger

[Leosha]

How do we sleep? How to get rid of fear of sleep? All my life, it is there, even before the bad things with coach. My father believed sleep was bad, it was waste of time. He felt it was disrespect of him that me or mom would sleep at night. So after hour of sleep or such, he'd make us get up, clean or something, maybe do something mean at us, for few hours, and then let us sleep again, and just wake us up again in little while. Always, every night, he is like that until he leaves our family when I am ten years of age. We used to wish him to drink more, so that HE would go sleep some.

After he leave of us, my mom, she was able to go back at normal sleep. But that is what I know of by then, and all my life now, it is three or four hours sleep every night. Always, I feel tired, it seems there is not day that goes that I do not feel tired in my body and mind. But all this time, it feels normal of me to feel that way. Since I start dealing of all these other things, it is usual 2 hours a night, or none at all. I have tried sleep medicines from store, and three different prescriptions, and nothing help. I feel scare to go sleep, I feel guilty of it, and when I do fall asleep, usual I wake up terrified, jumping out of bed in panic, because i feel I do something wrong.

Does anyone know of anything to help get over of the guilt? The only time I can sleep as normal is if I am sick, and I find myself wishing to get sick just to get the sleep.

Leosha

 

[Bill_1965]

Leosha

Sleep is a vital part of life. It regenerates our body and mind. You should never feel guilty about taking care of yourself, and sleeping is taking care of yourself.

It was very selfish of your father to deprive you and your mother of sleep. It appears that he had deep rooted issues that prevented his sleep and he felt it necessary to inflict it upon you. I feel this is inexcusable.

I have tried the over-the-counter sleep aids and five prescribed sleeping pills, none have helped me sleep either. My sleep came back after I came to the realizations of my life, I was not to blame, that I am better off now and Life Is Good.

I still go through bouts of absolute terror to go to sleep, and I will do any and everything to stay awake and prevent the terror and nightmares. These are memories of the SA and tend to last about three weeks, and I have never found anything to help on these. I do believe that as I work through my SA issues, these will go away. I have my T, my meds, and the wonderful people here at MS to help me along my journey down the path to acceptance and well-being.

It seems that your case is a lot like mine. Fear and guilt prevent the sleep. Medication does not help. As soon as you can realize that there is nothing to be guilty about and you can feel safe and secure, the sleep should come. I, as your brothers here, are with you to help you as you need.

Take care my brother, clear your mind of the guilt.

Bill

 

[Mike Church]

Leosha:

As Bill says Sleep is a vital part of life. It regenerates our body and mind. You should never feel guilty about taking care of yourself, and sleeping is taking care of yourself.

This is something you should discuss with your therapist.

You deserve sleep as do we all. It is not something to feel guilty about at all. Your father was a BASTARD PLAIN AND SIMPLE

 

[Muldoon]

As the others have said

clear your mind of the guilt

Leosha I like you can only get 3 hours of sleep before I am up and fully aweak. That is when i come here to read and write. Then I go back to sleep a few hours later. I worked afternoons most of my life so I would go to bed late and could sleep until 9 in the morring.
I tried to take Meds but that didn't work out for me.

On the positive side one thing that you could do is rearange your bedroom. Place the bed in a different direction. Find your power zone within the room. If you got space to mix it up lay your head in a different direction inside the room. Good luck Muldoon

 

[StrangerInAStrangeLand]

I can appreciate your lament over lack of sleep. I too, am afraid of sleep, and I irritate and sometimes infuriate my family by being up at all hours of night and day playing guitar, piano, on the computer, doing anything to occupy my mind. I literally won't sleep until I just can't stay awake anymore. It is easier that way. That way there isn't enough time for the shadows to creep in. Unlike you, I don't have specific memories of something that caused me to fear sleep. It's more of the intagible thoughts, images, memories, that float into my consciousness from nowhere and grab on tight when I lay my head on that cursed pillow. Always quietly they start, whispering in my ear, "You know you want to do it..." "Uunnnhh..." Sometimes I will stay and fight them, but "they" fight back. Even when I think I have quelled the tide, they are just waiting in the wings, until a time when I am too exhuasted to resist. And then there I am on the floor, completely in submission, jacking off and imagining that I'm sucking it... and I don't really know why. I don't know why then, and I don't know now. It's just a feeling, an overwhelming urge. I have to do it. I want to do it. I want it so bad. I think, in some small way, that if I do it, they'll go away. But I know that isn't true. It does make me numb for a time, dazed and feeling like my soul just left me behind. That's why I don't sleep. That is why I can't sleep. I press on. Every moment of true relaxation is an invitation for the demons. Sorry if I digressed, but this is the only place I can say this stuff, even if no-ones listening.

 

[outis]

Chris,

We are listening. What you wrote could have come from me, you captured my torment so well. And your poem, "For one moment," is so on target that it hurts. You revealed my thoughts to the world.

I met a new therapist yesterday, a trauma and sexual assault recovery specialist. I remember trying to explain how I don't sleep, find ways to keep busy. I don't like the dark, either, when my mind is vulnerable to the things that come from darkness.

Are you getting any therapy yet? I really think that working with a good therapist is helpful, and I expect to sleep peacefully someday.

Thanks,

Joe