Sleep and excessive hypervilance

[txb]

My sleep sucks pretty much always. I recently read that your deepest sleep cycle is supposed to occur sometime between 10pm and 2am. I'm rarely in bed before 2am so it's no wonder I'm always tired. I've been trying to go to bed earlier, but mostly failing at that because I end up lying awake for hours. I'm already doing everything you're supposed to do, like exercise, no caffeine.... I even started avoiding tv/phones/computers for an hour and a half before bed because the light from their screens is supposed to mess with your sleep. I have medication that I take at night (not sleep medication) that makes you drowsy. I am drowsy mostly but I still can't shut my brain up. I feel like I'm always fighting against sleep. I end up lying awake just thinking and feeling terrible because I'm not sleeping. I don't know how to completely switch off.

Also, since I started going to bed earlier it feels kind of unsafe. I'm always listening out for something (nothing ever happens around here tho). It feels better if I'm awake most of the night listening out for something then I can sleep later on in the morning when everyone is getting up. If I go to sleep early then we'll be vulnerable for a long time because no one is keeping watch. I suppose I could convince my family to buy an alarm for the house. That might help, but I don't know how I1m supposed to shut my brain off. How are you supposed to get to sleep at night?? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[KMCINVA]

I feel your pain. I had a few good nights this past weekend. Now I am back to the tossing and turning, no sleep the mind races. I am a zombie at times. I find myself closing my eyes during the day but the images flash in front of me. A noise can startle me. From the abuse certain sounds are triggering--the sound of a police siren sends me over. Unfortunately they are everywhere. I find myself jumping in the car seat or if I am attempting to sleep and hear--either from the outside or on TV I panic thinking I will be taken away. I know it is not true but something in me believes it is true.

This past weekend I was given bhang tea and had the longest sleeps in months. One night was close to 6 hours. It is an herb tea and learned it is brewed from cannabis. It inhibits dreams and nightmares--

Shutting the brain off--once you figure it out, please let me know. I know the lack of sleep, and I am amazed I am still standing today and I even attempt the gym but must admit I do not have endurance for the workouts I use to do. I hate feeling I have to strain to keep the eyes open, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, the bags and black underneath. It has led to very unhealthy and fatalistic thoughts--even to the point of planning and then something takes over and brings me back. I am scared as my exhaustion continues, will that part of me begin to weaken. I am trying.Sadly I see nothing wrong with that end to my life.

I know the cause of my flashbacks and nightmares but I cannot let the control of others who unraveled me go. If I could sleep it would be 1000 times better than today. The mind controls and prevents my sleep.

I wish I had advise, all I know is you need to identify the cause of why you fight sleep. I know mine but I have not been able to figure out a solution. I am told, keep working at it. I have only so much stamina. Writing helps me let it out and forces me to think about it and accept the why.

Abuse leaves us fearful. We fear being hurt again and again--either physically or emotionally. When the memories and flashbacks begin then havoc wreaks. I was on seroquel but it knocked me out for almost 24 hours. When this happened I was accused of being on drugs. No wrong and destructive. Dosages were reduced but still the same effect. Other sleep medications lower blood pressure and with low pressure to begin with and a history of syncope they do not work. I have tried natural did not work except the bhang tea seemed to be the exception.

I am sorry I ramble and I write to responses of random thoughts that come to my mind.

Kevin

 

[txb]

Thanks. I'm sorry that you have so much trouble sleeping too. It does kind of help to know that other people struggle with this and it's not just me awake in the middle of the night. I've heard good things about cannabis before, about it helping you not to dream, which sounds good. Cannabis always seems like it should be a happy drug, but for some reason I've had some bad experiences with it. Paranoia and panic attack type of symptoms. I don't know if it's something I should try or not.

Things have been kind of mixed with my sleep since I posted. I seem to have gotten used to going to bed earlier, so it doesn't feel as 'dangerous' anymore. That sounds kind of stupid to write, but I suppose that's how it felt before. I've had quite a few nights where I've kept myself awake though. Since I've been getting up earlier I feel a lot more tired than usual, so overall that kind of sucks. I'll just keep trying to improve things.

I don't know if there is a reason for it. Apparently I have always been a terrible sleeper. I quit taking naps way before the normal babies and was always up really early (not a problem I have now). I think I was probably worried I'd miss something? Sleep seems like a waste of time. I'm not sure there is some big trauma relating to it, just a lifetime of bad habits maybe.

 

[KMCINVA]

Txb

Thank you. I have some friends and they live in DC and legally they can off Bhang tea--cannabis based tea. I learned it inhibits dreams and thus nightmares for several hours. It alters the sleep pattern but it allows the body and mind to rest. In the short term it has helped me to refocus.

I have spent several nights with them and I was able to get some much needed sleep. Still have bags under the eyes--but getting smaller. With sleep and their kind and caring ways I am understanding my plight much better. I let so many control me and their control was not positive but rather destructive--realizing the abuser did not give two sh*ts about who he used and others maybe not malicious could not have cared if I lived--all of them had the same effect on me, give up and just die.

Well with rest and some new found inner strength I am trying to push forward. I must ignore, not deny, what has been done to me if I want to live.

The lack of sleep only compounds our inability to see the truth that lies before us--

I still have some difficulty sleeping but it is getting better. I hope you are finding some peace and sleep

Kevin