Skewed View of Things

[wreckage]

The more that I uncover about myself, the more I discover in terms of patterns and origins of some of the thinking/day-to-day thoughts.

I realize now (thanks in part to this forum) that because of the imprint of my molest, I obsess on different forms of sexual acting out which leads me to avoid feeling anything.

Also, the ability to sit still with me is something I have never been able to deal with. I realize now that my emotional neglect and physical abuse growing up has never let me get in touch with my needs or wants or decision-making.

I struggle every day, but on the days that I succeed in being "normal" (like other civilians that don't have issues or are in recovery) I feel like a million bucks. It's new and it is frightening.

Fear sets in after a week and I revert to old behavior and acting out. I have learned that distracting myself from negative behavior and replacing negative thoughts with positive behavior can work.

Sometimes it's a minute at a time.

 

[Sacred_Sage]

Sexual acting out can be a tough one to get over. I have learned in my own walk that being hard on myself for the acting out only makes the acting out worse or my depression worse. You're right that it's a minute at a time. Some of my acting out is due to my poor ability to cope with depression, stress, etc. or even my compulsive thoughts.

You're definitely on the right track. Keep up the awesome work!

 

[MeditativeCycler]

I'm not sure what you mean by acting out, but I realized that I've been re-enacting my trauma for thirty years now. It's kind of depressing to realize how much time and energy has been devoted to replaying events of my childhood....

 

[Ceremony]

Thank you wreckage, that post is very helpful. I find it hard to look at me... to see me, and it's weird to me that I should. That part of me that has no self worth, it's been too big, for far too long; I've known that. It's that knowing it hasn't helped at all, it's this, finally talking about it, to men who get this, where I read the words in my head.

Ok... don't cry... too late.

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I had to breath......have to breath...

My T says... "breath", she sees me stop breathing... I'm not trying to hurt myself, it's my body, it's my tension, my reaction to the intensity. I don't always feel it all over my body, but I suppose it's rare that it wouldn't creep all over. I can't see tension in a sexual way, so the way I'm writing, though I can see words, and suggestion, connotation, it's direct, and just what my words are. I think it's best for me, always best to just say the words, just like I think them. I don't know if I can remember what I want to convey, but it might surface as I go along?

In this state, my sense of missing self worth, that knowing it was supposed to mean something, and that's a missing element of my self perception. I can think way down the rabbit hole, thoughts where I don't want to go, but do. Depression often triggers it, then some anger, mixed verbal abuse, something isn't fair, and I'm there. What will I do there, why do I go there? Now... asking... I don't care! I want to tap on my thighs and build good in that empty bucket that needs to filling.

Well... thanks for your words, and this space to ramble.

 

[wreckage]

That's exactly what I am talking about. Although there are other forms too.

 

[wreckage]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

 

[wreckage]

That's exactly what I'm talking about.