Sitting here in silence.

[confused_n_alone]

Sitting here in silence.
The one I love beside me while sleep evades the night
Only the sound of her gentle breath fills the air

The lights are out and the shadows of my past begin to haunt me.
These memories that I have hidden and suppressed for so very long
Have begun to creep into my life again.

I curl up expecting a voice to come from the night but there is nothing
He has been dead for a year now
But the child within is still terrified of the shadows of my past
His voice seems to resonate through the night air.

I remember his gentle voice and the way he would look at me
His firm but soft touch caressing and touching me.
All the while the voice would say he loves me and I was special.

I didnt feel bad, he loved me, and I was his special little boy.
My body reacts to his touch with pleaser not pain why is this wrong?
The confusion fills my mind realizing that this shouldnt have been.

Who am I to put my family through this?
My shame
My refusal to ask for help
My pain that I will have to bare!!!!

The shadows of my past haunt me
As sleep evades this night
I will sit here in silence and bare my pain alone..


Confused N Alone

Jason

 

[The Dean]

Partially alone! You have faithful friends here--but in the silence of your heart I can be sure that you still feel alone with so much of the pain. The more you talk about it, the less power it has over you.

Your poem is a view of you we could not have had other wise. Thank you for trusting us with it.

Bob

 

[confused_n_alone]

Hello And Thanks

Bob

Sometimes i just have to right like i did that day to get my feelings out..

I wasn't sure where i should put it so this one worked lol

I think of this as my own therapy..
I have started keeping copies of every thing i post and write to try and make sence of it

I have tried to be open with my wife and she is very supportive but also gets frustrated and upset not so much with me but as she puts it the S.O.B that did this to me..

Mind you she now is going throght it with me my mood swings and my reluctence to allow her to be close that wall has gone up again the one she had worked so hard at bring down with me is now up once more praying that this time it will hold back the memories and the pain that i had tried to surpress for so long

Now my wife is on edge and as she puts it walkes the day on glass almost frightend to talk in case something triggers a mood and i push her away once more...

My wife and daughter i LOVE.. But part of me wishes that i didn't for it would be easier to hide and sink back to that comfy space where i am alone and my life can just past by


Sorry for the rambling i must be gone

Jason