Hi Smallvile,
Thank you for sharing that! It's really helpful to hear of someone else wrestling with being abused by an older sister. I would like to connect more. It's so complicated. It's taken a long time for me to even be able to correctly name it as abuse. Here is more of my story...
It was actually when I started dating my wife that I began to understand the impact of the incest on my life. All of my dating relationships to that point had ended in a confusion of intense negative emotion towards my girlfriend and myself. The cycle would go like this: As a relationship would become more serious, I would suddenly have feelings that I didn't really like the girl -- like I didn't really want to be dating her and was only in relationship with her because she liked me. It was like I had a voice in my head that was telling me I was just a big, disgusting fraud. I felt that my "fraud" and "deception" were plain for anybody to see and would then feel a lot of shame about the relationship. The intensity of these emotions was so great that I couldn't sleep or eat or anything. I would then break up with the girl to "make things right". As soon as I would break up, I was suddenly able to see what I liked about her, that I was actually attracted to her and wanted to be in relationship with her. So, we would get back together. Then, the intense feelings that I was a fraud and didn't really like her would come back again. And I would break up again. This cycle resulted in me hurting a couple of girls pretty badly and left me feeling very confused and bewildered and hurting, as well as lonely and isolated.
When I started dating my wife, I was very hesitant because I didn't want to go through those cycles anymore and leave her hurt and all of her friends hating me. Yet, she felt like a soul mate as soon as I started to get to know her. And I longed for intimacy and to be married and one day have a family. So, somewhat reluctantly, I started to pursue her. After spending a lot of time with her for a couple of weeks, I was amazed and delighted in who she was and our relationship and was almost certain she was the "one". Then those intense feelings came on like a flood. I felt disgust towards her and myself just being in her presence. This time, though, instead of trying to make sense of the feelings alone, I decided to tell her what was going on. I told her I didn't understand it, but I could see now that it was a pattern in all of my dating relationships. I stood there reflecting, trying to think what might be causing it. I have a painful and really complicated relationship with my mom, but that didn't seem to be causing this. My parents are divorced, but that didn't seem to be causing this either. As I kept thinking back over my past, the incest came to my mind and it was like a light going off. That was it! Holy sh*&%t. I had kept the memory of the incest as a shameful, dark secret that I thought I might have to tell my wife about one day, but didn't think it affected my present day life. I just sat down on the curb, overwhelmed. Eventually I told my then girlfriend (now wife). She has been very supportive and compassionate in my healing and recovery. We have been married over a decade now and have a very rich and connecting relationship.
I wish I could say there were no more struggles after that night, but there was a lot of struggle, especially early on. I continued to go through periods of intense ambivalence and emotional withdrawal from her while we were dating. And those feelings re-doubled in their intensity after we got married. I had intense emotions that I had made a mistake, I wasn't really in love with her and my marriage to her was a fraud. In the middle of it I would pray a lot and try to remember the truth: All of those feelings had nothing to do with my wife, I would be feeling that way no matter who I married. I was feeling such intense rejection towards her and shame because of the incest. I would also be open with her about my feelings of ambivalence as much as I could bare it.
I understand now, after a lot of healing and growth, that the intense feelings of ambivalence and shame that I felt -- feelings that I didn't really want her but was in relationship anyway -- were the feelings from the incest. It was as if I were replaying the incest emotionally. I didn't really want to do it, but I did it anyway, and I'm disgusting. She wanted me and I didn't want her, but I gave myself anyway and am unspeakably gross.
We've been married now over a decade and have 2 children -- a girl and a boy. Amazingly, I don't have feelings of ambivalence toward her anymore.
Even with all of the healing that has happened and the work I've done with therapists, my wife, friends and other mentors and pastors, I've only recently been able to enter into the raw grief of the incest and feel and weep and have rage. I still struggle to name the incest as abuse. I've only recently been able to see the full picture of what happened in my home. The more that I am able to do these things, the more the numbness that I live with day to day falls away.
As part of my continued healing, I've been longing to share my story with other survivors and connect with other men who were victimized by an older sister.