Sister

Is42

Registrant
I'm 37. Though I lost my virginity when I was 9 to my older sister, I didn't think of myself as having been sexually abused until I was 25. It was only a year ago that I was able to grasp the full picture of what happened in my home. She demanded that I have sex with her. I was 9. She was 11. I told her I didn't want to, she might get pregnant. She explained that I couldn't get her pregnant. I told her she might get an STD (I had just learned about that in sex ed at school). She explained that I couldn't give her an STD. I didn't have anymore arguments. My ability/right to say no simply because I didn't want to had long been nullified in my home. What I felt about it didn't matter. I didn't have anymore arguments. So I did it. The incest continued for a couple of years. It killed my soul.

It didn't occur to me until last year that 9 year old boys shouldn't have to explain to anyone why they don't want to have sex with them, especially someone in their own home. It also didn't occur to me to ask why an 11 year old girl was demanding that someone have sex with her. Healthy 11 year old girls don't think about sex, let alone demand that someone have sex with them. What was happening to her? Then it hit me like a cannon ball to the chest. The horror of what my home really was. My dad. Oh my God. My dad. He was molesting her. I know it. I never saw it, but down in my bones I know it. And my mom. She just denied it to protect her fantasy of a happy home. My dad was sexually abusing my sister and she just passed the favor along to me.

I'm sure I'm not the only guy out here whose perp was an older sister -- has anybody heard of others with a similar story?
 

Smallville

New Registrant
i have a similiar story but my sister didn't have sex with me. In fact she never asked me to have sex with her. It started when I was around 6 and she was 12. I was around 25 when I started thinking more about it as well. I told my wife about it when I was 28. I'm 29 now. Having some trouble with it but if you need to talk to someone with a similar story, I'll be checking in. Later Is42
 

Is42

Registrant
Hi Smallvile,

Thank you for sharing that! It's really helpful to hear of someone else wrestling with being abused by an older sister. I would like to connect more. It's so complicated. It's taken a long time for me to even be able to correctly name it as abuse. Here is more of my story...

It was actually when I started dating my wife that I began to understand the impact of the incest on my life. All of my dating relationships to that point had ended in a confusion of intense negative emotion towards my girlfriend and myself. The cycle would go like this: As a relationship would become more serious, I would suddenly have feelings that I didn't really like the girl -- like I didn't really want to be dating her and was only in relationship with her because she liked me. It was like I had a voice in my head that was telling me I was just a big, disgusting fraud. I felt that my "fraud" and "deception" were plain for anybody to see and would then feel a lot of shame about the relationship. The intensity of these emotions was so great that I couldn't sleep or eat or anything. I would then break up with the girl to "make things right". As soon as I would break up, I was suddenly able to see what I liked about her, that I was actually attracted to her and wanted to be in relationship with her. So, we would get back together. Then, the intense feelings that I was a fraud and didn't really like her would come back again. And I would break up again. This cycle resulted in me hurting a couple of girls pretty badly and left me feeling very confused and bewildered and hurting, as well as lonely and isolated.

When I started dating my wife, I was very hesitant because I didn't want to go through those cycles anymore and leave her hurt and all of her friends hating me. Yet, she felt like a soul mate as soon as I started to get to know her. And I longed for intimacy and to be married and one day have a family. So, somewhat reluctantly, I started to pursue her. After spending a lot of time with her for a couple of weeks, I was amazed and delighted in who she was and our relationship and was almost certain she was the "one". Then those intense feelings came on like a flood. I felt disgust towards her and myself just being in her presence. This time, though, instead of trying to make sense of the feelings alone, I decided to tell her what was going on. I told her I didn't understand it, but I could see now that it was a pattern in all of my dating relationships. I stood there reflecting, trying to think what might be causing it. I have a painful and really complicated relationship with my mom, but that didn't seem to be causing this. My parents are divorced, but that didn't seem to be causing this either. As I kept thinking back over my past, the incest came to my mind and it was like a light going off. That was it! Holy sh*&%t. I had kept the memory of the incest as a shameful, dark secret that I thought I might have to tell my wife about one day, but didn't think it affected my present day life. I just sat down on the curb, overwhelmed. Eventually I told my then girlfriend (now wife). She has been very supportive and compassionate in my healing and recovery. We have been married over a decade now and have a very rich and connecting relationship.

I wish I could say there were no more struggles after that night, but there was a lot of struggle, especially early on. I continued to go through periods of intense ambivalence and emotional withdrawal from her while we were dating. And those feelings re-doubled in their intensity after we got married. I had intense emotions that I had made a mistake, I wasn't really in love with her and my marriage to her was a fraud. In the middle of it I would pray a lot and try to remember the truth: All of those feelings had nothing to do with my wife, I would be feeling that way no matter who I married. I was feeling such intense rejection towards her and shame because of the incest. I would also be open with her about my feelings of ambivalence as much as I could bare it.

I understand now, after a lot of healing and growth, that the intense feelings of ambivalence and shame that I felt -- feelings that I didn't really want her but was in relationship anyway -- were the feelings from the incest. It was as if I were replaying the incest emotionally. I didn't really want to do it, but I did it anyway, and I'm disgusting. She wanted me and I didn't want her, but I gave myself anyway and am unspeakably gross.

We've been married now over a decade and have 2 children -- a girl and a boy. Amazingly, I don't have feelings of ambivalence toward her anymore.

Even with all of the healing that has happened and the work I've done with therapists, my wife, friends and other mentors and pastors, I've only recently been able to enter into the raw grief of the incest and feel and weep and have rage. I still struggle to name the incest as abuse. I've only recently been able to see the full picture of what happened in my home. The more that I am able to do these things, the more the numbness that I live with day to day falls away.

As part of my continued healing, I've been longing to share my story with other survivors and connect with other men who were victimized by an older sister.
 

norcalbuckie

New Registrant
I too was molested by my older sister. (Also by several other males) We were very close as we were the last two kids out of 9 left at home. I remember very clearly that when I was 5 years old and she was 11 she laid on the bed and told me to stick my penis in her. I tried and tried but was unable to achieve erection. I felt like a complete failure, a feeling that permeates me to this day. I have struggled with impotency my entire adult life. I can get an erection momentarily but not long enough to have intercourse. I learned many years later that she was doing to me what my older brother had been doing to all 4 of my sisters. The sister that molested me died in February of this year at the age of 41 after a long battle with alcholism that destroyed her liver. I believe that her demons and years of being abused and abusing tortured her everyday. I miss her and yet am still angry that she did not protect me from that ugliness that she went through.
 

roadrunner

Registrant
norcalbuckie, Smallville,

Welcome to our community. I'm so sorry to hear of the abuse you endured from your sisters and I'm glad you have found us. You will see that there indeed other guys here who can speak with you on the basis of similar experiences.

Much love,
Larry
 

pseudo

Registrant
I'm in a similar situation. Except it was my older cousin, not a sister. I was 7-9, she was 10-12.

I too struggle with those confused feelings about relationships. I feel desperate to be in a relationship, but when I'm in one, I want to run away. I felt like a big time fraud.

I've experienced some healing, but I'm still floundering. Sexual addiction, anger issues, marital separation, possible divorce...

ps
 

h.beath.break

Registrant
I wasn't sexually abused by my sister, but she might as well have been. But it's no surprise that kids who are molested by a patriarchal or matriarchal family member do it to other kids. My cousin did it to me on several occasions and it didn't stop until my family moved.

I'm 27 now and before I started working in my field I had no idea that kids could do that to each other. Once I realized this, it was like opening pandora's box because a whole lotta mess came flooding back to me when I was 6. I put two and two together and had to assume she had been molested either by a close family member or someone outside of the family. I have to assume it was a family member since I have other female cousins who have admitted that they were abused by the same person in my family.

The sad thing about this is that an adult in my family knew about this, but would not even think that such a person could do such thing.

I just started this account today and it's uncanny that a post like this would be here.
 

nevermind

Registrant
Hi Is42 and others. I just joined here and began looking through topics, and this one hit a nerve. I can relate so well to your story, though mine is a little different. My first perp was my father, who made me perform oral on him followed by rape. I suspect some things happened with my mother, just vague memories. I don't know if either of my two older sisters were molested, but I do remember having very strong sexual feelings for the younger of the two. I'm the youngest of six, and she is closest to me in age by about 10 years.

I have clear memories of her watching me while I bathed and of spending a lot of time in her room. We would sit or lie on her bed and talk about music and other stuff, and I remember she had me caress her back. I also remember her on top of me without a shirt or bra. This happened when I was maybe 7 or 8.

In my teenage years after she was married, my brother and I went out to eat at a restaurant with her and her husband, and he made some comment about me having sex with her. It was so embarrassing and I felt so ashamed that I forced myself to forget about it until I began my csa recovery earlier this year. Whatever happened between us hasn't come up in years, but now that our father has passed away I wonder if it will stir up memories for her. I have a feeling there's more to my family's past than I really want to know.

Right there with you. Peace and best wishes.
 

nevermind

Registrant
Um, I'm really hesitant to post this, but this topic really got to me. I was wondering if anyone else here developed a sister fetish as a result of incest by a sister.

I feel a little awkward talking about it, even though I know a lot of guys fantasize about this stuff. From my teenage years until the late 90's, I had this thing about sex with two sisters, not my own, that drove me nuts. I had a few encounters in my older teen years that were purely sexual, no strings attached, but when I began dating my wife, her sister who was 5 years younger made our relationship suffer. It was her fault as much as mine, because we were interested in each other at the time. There was a lot of sexual tension and some contact between us but no sex.

Now that I understand where my twisted feelings originated I'm having a tough time dealing with the shame, because that was one of the things that almost ended my marriage. I'm well beyond my fetish now, but the aftereffects suck.

Anyone with similar situations?
 

Is42

Registrant
Hi nevermind,

I've been thinking about your post regarding a sister fetish. Instead of healthy sexual boundaries being taught and protected in our homes, they were blown to hell. Boundaries that should never have been crossed were just trampled right over. And in my home, it was done with an attitude like, "what? What's wrong?" I wrote a letter to my mom telling her about the incest with my sister and I tried to explain the devestating emotional effects on my life. She replied that it wasn't that unusual and we were just two kids exploring our bodies and the world around us!

Anyway, back to the sister fetish. It seems to me that that stems from sexual boundaries being so horribly violated. I don't have the exact same symptom, but I do get very nervous whenever I start to get close with anyone in a relationship. I fear at some gut level that sexual boundaries will not be maintained, and then I will have to live with the shame of that (crossing sexual boundaries with other children ended up being a frequent occurrence in my childhood)
 

nevermind

Registrant
Thanks for the insight, Is42. Sorry it took so long to get to this topic again. I actually thought I had freaked people out and no one would respond.

Your reply echoes what my therapist had told me. She had said when a young child's sexuality is awakened too soon due to the crossing of the boundaries you mentioned, it usually creates a complete mess of habitual behavior patterns for the child, even into their adult years.

I just wish I had dealt with these issues sooner, though I know I wasn't ready until now. It's not like I ever really forgot about things that happened, it's just that all these years it's been too messed up to talk or think about.

Thanks again for your input. Take care.
 

noloveinfear7

New Registrant
Hi Is42,

I just wanted to say that I can unfortunately relate to your experience. I was sexually abused by my older sister when I was young as well. I was 6/7 and she was 12/13. It went on for at least several months and occurred many times. One of the worst parts was probably that my parents knew and never brought it up with me once for many years (which meant it festered inside me and made me feel more guilty - I thought about it everyday). It wasn't until I was around 21 or 22 that I brought it up to my Mom (it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had blamed myself the whole time (some 16 years or so) and lived in a prison of guilt and shame (at times what I image hell would be like - if I believed such a place existed). In fact being raised catholic with having this experience made things worse because I believed I had sinned and would never be forgiven. My response was to generally try and always be perfect and never get in trouble - it is part of who I am now and probably has had both positive and negative effects on my life. I remembered my Mom telling me not to tell anyone (she doesn't remember this and it could be a false memory). They thought they were doing the right thing, and were following the advice of some dumbass psychologist who didn't know what he was talking about (I almost have a phd in psychology now and the advice he gave was just BS).

On the more positive side of things though things have gotten better. Since I found the courage to bring this up to them (and to my sister) with the help of my wonderful wife things have been much better- not perfect - but better. The amount of intrusions and negative feelings from the memories of the abuse and afterwards have decreased greatly. I am also free of the religious beliefs that helped fuel my guilt, shame, and fear (it took a lot of time and effort studying and thinking - but I eventually overcame these beliefs and am much happier for it).

I definitely recommend bringing things into the open instead of holding them in - if you feel it is safe and right to do for your own abuse experiences. I have tried to study and eventually do work that could help people who have been abused and suffer from the traumatic memories that may haunt them. Trying to turn this horrible experience into a motivation to make a difference for others who suffer has also been a positive step.

Noloveinfear
 

Is42

Registrant
Confrontation:

About 10 years ago I decided to tell my parents about the incest. At the time, I didn't at all consider the possibility that my dad had molested my sister. My sister and I had spoken about the incest and talked of forgiveness, so it was in the open between us. When I decided I was going to tell my parents, I let her know. I went to my dad first. She freaked and ran to my mom and told her (they are enmeshed -- my mom has profoundly violated me with emotional incest, but that's another story). My dad, who has been very absent and uniterested as a father, seemed to be compassionate and understanding (a wolf in sheep's clothing, I now recognize). I later met with my mom. Her only comment was, "I don't think it's that unusual, is it?" I replied, "It's very fucked up." (what else could I say?).

And that was that. It was in the open. Not much more was said about it. I continued to wrestle with the effects of the incest and the dysfunction in my family, but in their presence I never spoke about it and acted like it was all ok. However, about 3 years ago I entered into a new phase in my journey of healing where I couldn't live in this place of denial anymore. I was entering into the deep wounds of the incest (and other experiences of being sexually abused) in a new way where at a deep emotional level I was beginning to feel and grieve the trauma. I wrote a letter to my parents trying to articulate to them not just the fact that the incest happened, but it's profound and damaging effect on my heart and life. I exposed to them the depth of the pain, shame and trauma. I posed the question to them, "why did this happen in our home?" At the time, I still didn't consider that my dad had molested my sister, but I knew there were unhealthy attitudes about sexuality and other boundary issues. I concluded the letter saying that I didn't want to see them or speak to them except by writing. The level of denial in my family is so great that my voice is just totally nullified in their presence.

Putting up this wall with my parents is one of the best things I have ever done for myself and my current family. I haven't seen or spoken with either of my parents or my sister in almost 3 years now. And I can breathe. Having this total separation enabled me to see the horrific truth of my childhood and family -- that my dad was sexually violating my sister and my mom was turning a blind eye. My parents are monsters. I have kept the separation with my sister, not because I see her as a monster, but because she is still so steeped in the denial of that family where good is evil and evil is good.

Both of my parents wrote replies to my letter (they are divorced, but I sent them both the same letter and addressed it to both of them). There was not a drop of empathy in either of their letters. Of the incest, my mom wrote the following:

"Regarding the activities between you and your sister, you were children exploring your bodies and the world around you. Although the activities you engaged in went farther than what most children do, I do not think it is that unusual."

Really mom? Oh, I see. It was just innocent. Your 9 year old son was being forced to have sex by his 11 year old sister, and it was just innocent. We were fucking in the other room while you were playing Atari, and it was just innocent. My childhood innocence was ripped out of my chest, but it was just innocent. Thanks for clearing that up.

I wrote her back and told her it was incest and sexual abuse. She never replied.

My dad wrote the following:

"I am very disturbed that you are so emotionally and violently negative about your entire past. I was aware that there were undercurrents of feelings and unhappiness that you were hiding and would not share -- even with the counselors and psychologists that your mother and I engaged a number of times to help us understand and resolve your problems and needs, and the interrelated problems and needs of each member of our family."

Asshole. So, I share what the source is of my undercurrents of feelings and unhappiness that I was hiding and this is how you reply? No wonder I was hiding it! Asshole.

I told my therapist that these letters from my parents were like my get-out-of-jail-free card. All of their denial and narcissism and total failure to love is evident in bold relief. It's so stark that it just shatters my deep sense that there is just something wrong with me. That's what the denial in my family of origin screams -- everybody else is ok, but there is just something wrong with you. Their letters totally expose the denail and their sickness.
 

Is42

Registrant
More Confrontation:

As I mentioned in the above post, I haven't spoken with or seen either of my parents or my sister in almost 3 years. Tomorrow I am meeting with my sister.

I am going to ask her why she demanded that I have sex with her. But first I am going to tell her that I know the truth now -- that she must have been being molested by our dad. Her actions did not happen in isolation. Basically, I want to hear the truth from her.

Also, if she is able to talk about it, I want to tell her that I am so sorry that that son-of-a-bitch did those things to her. And that it is not her fault. My heart is so grieved for this eleven year old girl being violated by her father and having no where to turn to. I have a daughter now and know how vulnerable she is to me and how much she longs for my attention and affection. How could he do that to his daughter?!! She was just a child! I know my sister victomized me, but I really just see her as another victom. We were both the victoms of his sexual abuse.

If your the praying type, please pray for this confrontation.
 
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