J-J,
I just have to share my experience especially as fresh and truly refreshing as it is. We just got back from Mike's workshop this weekend and it was absolutely transformational. I'd read his book and as someone who myself is in night school to become a therapist, I recognized that the man is truly gifted as a therapist and all that my bf shared about the workshop and the incredible transformation it's been for him this past weekend, certainly confirmed that.
I usally do try to hold back, but one of the guys from the board that I'd PM'd actually encouraged me to be pushy about this one thing (which honestly was what i wanted to be!) and truth is, I was gently so- I did promise i'd never be quite so pushy about anything else but I really felt we had nothing to lose and everything to gain- he wanted to start therapy and wanted to do the workshop but was very very very afraid. He literally started therapy just 5 days before the workshop since it was a requirement to go to the workshop that the therapist write a letter of recommendation.
I'd panicked when I first saw the Florida workshop announced- I'd looked at mike's website on Jan 1st to see what would be available in the coming year and thought that by August he might be up for going to the PA one, then in late FEb they posted the announcement about this April one in FL and i knew it was a golden opportunity- $s and time are tight and this made all that easier. my guy was just too far into his depression and i guess i parrallel it to my chronic illness that at times has me down and unable to do the things i normally would for myself and the help and support from others is needed and appreciated at those times- it's a fine line but if it's done respectfully i think it can be done in a way that's right for both the survivor and partner because like mike talks about in his book, their journey does affect their SOs dramtically too.
anyway, it was a non-residential workshop and my bf told me it was essential that i accompany hiim for support- (i was and continued to be honored to support him. ) that truly surprised me at that time since Isolation was his major mode of coping up until now. and i mean for months at a time I'd not even have an email or an answered phone call. for weeks at a time many many times throught the year he broke off communication. I just could see that he needed a major intervention to change the spiraling downward patterns-
Just as I envisioned it, when i picked him up at the end of the workshop he said it was so hard leaving now that he had brothers- that the goodbyes were difficult. and he showed me the email list they gave out because it was a way of continuing the connection with the guys and he met someone from his home town who they plan to meet again after returning home- i was really impressed too that they were so caring and nurturing that when he had a huge anger reaction during one of the exercises the workshops' cohost worked through it with him after the session and gave him his cell phone # asking him to call him the next day -- a Sunday(!)-- to let him know how he was doing. It just speaks to the profoundness of the caring that the guys can't help but feel too -it was just such an impactful level of caring.
I respect everything SAR is saying and know that each guy's a little different too. Isolationist as my guy was previously, he shared so much of the workshop with me and all his feelings since, saying that it's important for his recovery that he share it all with me.
maybe pushing is the wrong word for me to use because it was a very gentle , honest, earnest and gradual encouragement , but i was persistent. because i wanted so much for his pain to be alleiviated and was earnest as well that i feared for our relationship without it. and looking at the patterns, he knew that I couldn't stay around for repeats of the past and that he wanted change for himself so badly, he wasn't being who he wanted to be. in the end, i asked him to just sign up for it on faith if that that was the only way. he was tense as could be right up to it, and i just allowed him anything behavior wise at that time- e.g., his forgetting things that usually he'd not be so inconsiderate about etc, but it was understandable and as long as he was gonna go to the workshop, everything else could fall by the wayside and was okay for till then.
we also both reflected afterwards that t's a wonderfully economical way too to get therapy. that in those 2 days it was like 2 years worth of therapy. he said if he'd had a therapist tell him for 6 months over a million times that other guys felt the same way, he just could never have "gotten" it like being there with them and experiencing it- there were so many things he came back saying he got from it that were the same things i'd been telling him for a year - but of course, he had to experience them directly- that's what the workshop did and why it was worth every ounce of effort. i'd say my encouragement for him to go was gentle but strong.
i know we can't push and maybe it was just meant to be- it's a hard call. my guy was very very resistant, but i just made it the ONLY thing i was asking for and kept to that promise. at the same time making it clear it could only be done for himself and not for me which we both agreed. but i WAS asking for him to do it anyway in spite of his fear. at the same time, i expected just about nothing else from him and just gave all i possibly could. honestly, I was emotionally exhausted by the time the workshop came around because there was a lot of giving involved but he was worth it and i'd do it again in a heartbeat. still i was thankful the time was here.
re things for women& male partners- i'd had the same thoughts and even thought about whether i could informally organize something since this was a nonresidential workshop and they had a workshop special on rooms at a particular hotel where i expected other partners might be staying. but in the end i decided against it, sort of because of what SAR alluded to- that i wanted the focus to be totally on him for this and just be there as a support. after the workshop my bf did tell me that mike talked about having workshops for couples (or maybe he just meant for male & female survivors) and asked if I'd ever be interested in going and of course that's a big yes. I didn't even go in the building where the workshop was- even when i thought i needed to find the nearest rest room while waiting to pick him up at the end of the day- i just felt it was literally a sacred space for the men and so I did forgo my own interest for now of someday personally meeting Mike.
Muldoon from the men's boards was a wonderful support for me when I needed it to encourage my guy and i just couldn't be happier or more thankful now (Thanks Again Muldoon if you see this!) I just can't tell you how incredibly healing it was for him. It wasn't easy but it was very safe- and i did keep emphasizing that that was always Mike's top priority- that no matter what else occurs in the workshop, that every participant always feel safe was the most important thing and as pre-guaranteed as it can get. He was month's in his deciding "yes" about going and i didnt' push committing to it till the deadline was upon us. and held my breath until it actually happened (he'd cancelled therapy initiation that was planned in the past) we worked our way through the scarier times as the workshop & doing therapy got nearer, quite care-fully literally.
you've got time so that's a good thing. don't know if you've read Mike's books but i read them both and they were my lifesavers- i definitely highly recommend them and it's a way of focusing on yourself. My bf hadn't read them before the workshop but he wants to now.
i think although it is like walking a tightrope, it is possible to respect the boundaries and encourage him to go when the time is right- i used to say i respected his fears but at the same time, i wasn't going to let them ruin my life and hoped he wouldn't let them stop him from what he wanted. but i did feel it was important to respect and acknowledge the legitimacy of the fear- he certainly gave me every excuse in and out of the book at first.
it's amazing courage these men have to have. i'll have to ask him if my army analagy helped him decide to go- cause i did once compare it to his experience in the military when he was younger - where they learn the power & courage a group of men can have together that they wouldn't be capable of alone.
sorry so long! i'm just in a state of personal celebration in a sense. it's such a joy to see him feel like he does now, even with the painfulness of the process, he can feel normal for the first time- and that meant the world to him and I'm so happy for him. I also feel already llike I have a man who is so much more able to love the way he's always wanted to. I hope it all works out for you, Take care, An
I think those guys saved me from messing up the both of us, myself and my boyfriend.