Similarities- Redux...

Similarities- Redux...
Curtis St. John

Curtis St. John

President Emeritus
A while back, Sean started the Similarities thread where we all spoke about the negative affects that our abuse has had on us over the years.

Now I know that sometimes when someone brings up something positive, some of us that are in a darker place than others get all torqued and bent out of shape and say, Ive got nothing positive going for me in my life, dont rub it in by bringing up positive stuff.

To that I say bullshit. Even when Im at my darkest I can find some spark of something positive thats going on and I try to focus on that.

So in the same spirit as similarities, I would like to attempt to start a thread of healing symptoms Ive caught myself having since Ive been working on my abuse issues, joined MS, and attended Mays level I retreat.

This is not in anyway a competition to see who is farther along than whom, but a chance for us to see that we are healing, and the new guys a chance to see there is hope.

Come on, dont let me down here, I know if you try you can think of something you have gained here.

Some of mine are:

  • Not everyone is out to get me, or victimize me.
  • I am learning to keep my cool when others around me lose theirs.
  • I am not stupid, I am smart.

Since I got in touch with the little me:

  • I can dance.
  • I can spell much better. (Weird, I know but true.)

Come on, show others and yourself that there is something all the hard work has given you. I know I cant be the only one that is seeing results of coming here.
 
I have learned to trust and lean on others for support.

I have less problem with authority

I am regaining in sense of self worth and self respect.

My nightmares have gone.

I am a year older (dammit-but I guess the alternative is not acceptable)

I made some life long (not so long for me) friendships at the recent retreat in Paris Ontari.

I do not have a phosphorous fuse around my temper.

I still cannot spell worth a damn

I find I gain by giving
 
YEAH, ROLAND!

To celebrate and share our successes, another great idea and way to support each other! Thanks!

I have started Journaling, It is hard, but I feel good about saying these things.

My wife and I are really working at rebuilding the trust and rekindle the spark.

I have made a commitment to myself to stop beating myself up over the things I may have or may not have done.

I have made a commitment to myself to start congratulating myself for the things I have done and have not done.

I am smiling a bit more! :D

PEACE!

TJ
 
Both Mike and I have learned we can carry a stuffed animal around among a bunch of guys and be ok with it!
 
i have learned to be intimate with my wife and family. in other words i am open and honest and share.

i have learned to process life in a new way that allows me to live a fuller, happier life.

i have forgiven myself.

i have accepted my past, and made peace with it.

i can finally adress today, and move foward with my life.

as much pain as it caused me, in the end it drove me to be a person that i dont think i would have been if i wasnt abused, a stronger, more genuine person.
 
Good thread

I can feel for others I have learnt empathy

I have learnt to listen (especially to my grandchildren.

Im getting there gradually

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
roland and guys,

i am brand new at this, just divulged my abuse after 31 years just this past month.

at this time i can be somewhat proud to say that i found one and told my t,told my ex-girlfriend who i and she each hurt each other so bad, and i am finally at a point where i am not repressing it or ignoring it, but attemtpting to be healed or get the help I need in the long run.

i am also thankful that my t recommended reading "the courage to heal" which i just started reading. although primarily addressing women, the history, psyche, and the info is so much for all of us csa suvivors. I relate so much to the first two chapters, it is incredible but i also long to be "better".

i/m still numb of my past relationships and hurting over my last one. the good news is that because of this, i finally decided to take a look at myself and do a personal inventory of why i am how i am and how i affect others from my past issues of not loving myself, not being able to be loving or trusting as a whole, and even in some cases acting out in-appropriately.

what to do now?, i'll just keep on working through this. i so long to be "o.k." and able to be happy and content with a loving and trusting partner. it's tough, lonely, exasperating at times, but i am thankful that i do have the motivation to do something to change it, change me, and for me to get on with this process.

i am also so happy for all of you and others who are able to and/or are growing and working through their problems, in-securities, or the alike in dealing with their past csa. i long for that but know just having got started, what a way to go.

take care, guy
 
What I have gained:
  • I am what I am and that's what I am
  • I'm not guilty of anything about this, except for kicking myself in the ass for 27 years
  • I have nothing to be ashamed of
  • Poor spelling and grammer (I've been hanging around Steve way too long ;) )
  • Life is worth living
  • The ability to go into a party store
  • Lose and deminishing effects of some other fears related to the SA
  • And the big one: It's okay to be happy
 
Oh yeah. I come across as a lot older than I am. Btw, I'm not a chubby, wrinkled, bent over, balding old guy.
And that when Roland says, "Get out of here!", it doesn't mean to leave. :D

Thanks, I needed this.
Bill
 
Now see that? You totally posted that out of context!

What happened was, I was very anxious to finally meet the great Bill_1965. As I'm walking past a group of guys, I overhear someone say the name Bill. So I stopped in my tracks and I say something to the effect of, "Did I hear the name Bill?" and Bill says, "Yeah, I'm Bill. Bill 1965." So I got all excited and said,

"You're Bill 1965? No way man, get outta here! , it's so great to finally meet you!"
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Then I broke all kinds of retreat etiquette by hugging him uninvited, and I felt bad about that for a while, but I got over it.

That's my story and I'm sticken to it! :cool:
 
What I have learned:
I am not dirty!
I am not stupid
I can accomplish goals
I was NOT the cause of my abuse
I am learning to love myself
I am learning to not reign myself in
I am funny (Many may disagree, but I AM funny)
I am strong
Now I need to learn how to tell the girl I am twitterpated with how I feel!
 
the good things? honestly, i feel frog deep in crud, but i do have to be equally honest in saying that there has been some positive things. i feel like i am a blind dolt most of the time because of the way i keep tripping around so many obstacles...however, for me, the one greatest positive out of this whole sorry scenario of the past is the direction i am now facing, and falling...forward. i regret i do not know which coach said it, but a story goes that a football coach was pumping his team for a game and said that when they fall, fall forward.

i used to be amazed and proud of my stoicism from years gone by. now, i realize the strength i thought i had in that respect was actually a blindfold to the past, present, and future, at least iin the context of this thread. it is hard to be afraid of something you cannot see, or react to what cannot be seen. i was strong enough to survive, i know this, but that revered stoicism of mine was actually something other than what i thought it was. now, that the blindfold is off and i am facing, and falling, forward, i amscared all the time...but now i live.

for those who are new here i will explain something. i refer to an image that i learned of through my theology background. it is a referent to God in catholic theology by one of the greatest theologians in recent history, Karl Rahner. he refers to the experience of God as being the ever expanding horizon. you always see it, reach for it, and move towards it, but never completely embrace it because just when you think you know all there is to know, the horizon expands yet again. to some, this can be seen as a very depressing situation, never acheiving the goal. thing is, the goal is not embracing the horizon in its entirety, it is the continuous movement towards it. fulfillment is movement, not destination.

i face forward now. i am scared, sometimes i feel so alone, even with the love of lady theo. but the key is that even though the darkness seems complete at times, i can finally see that horizon. it calls me ever forward.

take care, all.
 
I have a girlfriend. Me. The 'fat ugly boy' that was afraid to talk to people for so long, has a wonderful, beautiful, amazing girlfriend. If that isn't positive, I do not know what is!

I have some of the best, most loyal, wonderful friends anyone could ever imagine to have.

I am able to do what I love for a job. I have not yet had to 'grow up' into a 'real job', and have managed to make money doing what I most enjoy. Most people never get to say that.

I have health. I didn't for while. But overall, I do, and there are many who don't.

I have so much more, I am so much more blessed then I can even begin to say here. I have a home. I have family. I have hope in the future. I have so much, and what I don't have, I have faith that I can make it happen.

I think that is the most important 'have' right now for me. I have faith.

Leosha
 
Welcome back Leosha, you truly are an inspiration.
 
the state representative told me that I was "a very stong man". Damn right I am. This shit isn't going to keep me down. No way, no how.

Bill
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Some of the things I've learned,

I like myself just the way I am today.

What I am today is the sum of all that has happened to me in my life.

The past is immutable. I cannot change the past but I can view it from a new perspective and understand it better.

And lastly, my favorite quotation,

"Acceptance means abandoning all hope of ever having a better past." unknown.

Take care,

Steve
 
One therapist I knew was fond of thinking about how bad stuff wasn't happening to him by saying:

"Today, I do not have a toothache."

That holds true for me today, for I don't have a toothache.
 
I have learned that there is courage inside of me, even though I might feel like a coward much of the time.
 
Curtis (Roland) -

When I first came here I was at my lowest ebb ever - people here gave me so much hope. For that reason I can now act as follows:

1/ I will make my postings here as positive as possible - give others the hope that we can improve and have better times.
2/ If I feel crap, I will ask for strength/support from others and declare that I am having a bad time.
3/ I will try my best to make others feel good by supplying realistic but positive responses to postings.

In the last 6 months, I have begun to understand that I am loved both in cyberspace (here) and in my earthbound life....I've simply had to reach out and identify what was there all along!

I am loved and I am starting to love myself...that's big!

Rik
 
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