Silent for so long

Silent for so long
R

RICK57

Registrant
Hello and warm wishes to everyone that visits this site & reads these postings. I was abused when I had just turned 12 years old & never told anyone unitl 2 years ago (44 years old), when I told 3 friends whilst I was under the influence of alcohol - as you may have seen elsewhere on this site I was OK for a while as my friends were shocked but supportive. Recently I regressed & to cut a long story short, sought real help for the first time - this appears to be working.

The question/statement is that my Therapist (god I used to think this was an American thing - no insult intended)states that it is fairly common for someone my age to hold back for such a period of time, i.e 34 years (this appears to be true judging by some of the other postings on this site)- I now alternate by feeling like telling everyone & going back into my shell.

Has anyone else felt like shouting it from the rooftops after hiding it for so long?

The other issue is that I can now tell it to strangers, also some close friends, but not to my sister who would be extremely hurt that I had kept it to myself & caused such self harm for so long. Does anyone else feel this, that strangers will listen but you don't want to hurt those that would care most.

Love to you all!
 
Rick
I stayed silent for 31 years, and told my wife for the first time just days before our 25th wedding anniversary - ain't I the romantic eh ?

And now I just don't care who knows, most of my workmates know, as do most of my family except my parents.And the reason for that is they are now old and unfortunately not in good health, I think it would be too much for them to deal with now.

But what have I, you, or any of us got to be ashamed of ?

Nothing !

Dave
 
Rick aside from confiding in an asshole at 17 (long story) I did not tell anyone until I was 56. I told my wife in 2000 after I had been married for 34 years. What a dip I was. Yeh I dont give a shit who knows now. I use my name here and am comfortable with myself. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops to try and make it stop for all our brothers in pain.

Word of advice you pay a whole heap of attention to Dave (Llyod) for he is one really smart dude and full of terrific information.
 
I didn't tell anyone, including myself, until I was 56. I am now 57 and have told my therapist, wife, and a close friend. At this point, I don't intend to tell any one else.

Harry
 
Dave, Mikey & Harry - thanks for your responses. I presume you've been checking around the postings tonight & spotted that I've been trying my best to support others - don't know if i've quite got the hang of it yet but will keep trying. Was going to go to bed earlier but this is helping me & I can sleep Saturday.

After adding responses to other users, I picked up the courage to add my own topic & then go back to reading the others. After a while I decided to see if I had any responses & it looked like I didn't have any. Must have to log out & in again to see what responses there are (on the tally), I decided to read again what I had written & spotted your responses.

When I read them I just sat here & sobbed, such an enormous relief that I wasn't the only one that had allowed things to degenerate for so long. It's like this wall around my heart is starting to loose its mortar. I saw Return of the King today (Lord of the Rings part 3)& near the end it was stated that sometimes things are so deep (words are not correct but meaning is)that you cannot go back and change them (my friend who is aware of my current predicament made a point of not spotting this comment to save me from climbing the wall further, although I knew he was thinking the same as me)and do you know what - I thought you cannot change them but you can change your reaction to them. Don't know if you're into that middle earth stuff but the amount of inspiration I'm getting from different sources indicates that 2004 will be a good year. I intend to turn it all around - I don't want to dissapoint (that spelling looks wrong but I bet you don't care) my friends, yourselves, the people that think I am so strong & for once, myself.

*Believe it or not, I am sat here drinking a bottle of beer brewed in Newport, Oregon, USA - its by Rogue Brewery & called Dead Guy Ale - do they make a Live Guy Ale?

Thanks again to you all - to everyone else, it's never too late.
 
Hey there, Rick:

I went almost 30 years before dealing with my SA. The abuse memory popped up once before, about ten years ago, right before my final exams in college. I recognized that I was abused when a friend confided her own sexual assault story to me, promptly flunked all of my exams, and immediately buried it all again for a decade... until about three months ago.

Since I recognized my abuse and have started working through it, I've told a few people about the situation -- my wife, my parents, one sister, my counselor at school, my clergy, and a couple of... like, two... very close and trusted friends. That sounds like a lot of disclosures, I guess, but I am fortunate to have a good support network around me of fantastic people. Aside from these people knowing, I'm not exactly about to go out and have t-shirts made up about my SA, if you know what I'm saying.

However, part of me wants to tell people at my school because I know that I am smart and now I recognize that there is a real and legitimate reason that I blanked on and failed so many tests during first semester. I mean, it's not that I'm just a complete idiot or something, although I feel like some classmates might think that.

On the other hand, I DON'T want to use SA as an excuse, either, and I know that most people will likely freak out if they hear about the abuse behind my troubles. To the people at my school and church who ask about my situation, at least those who ask in a kind and genuine fashion, I am willing to give a very vague explanation, and express my thanks for their concern.

As far as family members are concerned, I have told only my closest sister and my parents. I come from a large family, and at this point I feel inclined to shared the info with NONE of the rest of my five siblings.

Completely off topis, but with regard to your beverage from Newport, Oregon, I grew up in Oregon. My family actually used to spend part of every summer right near Newport! Man, that brings some happy memories --the Oregon Coast is a gorgeous place. Now, I live on the other side of the country, but it's nice here, too.

I am glad that you found this site, Rick, and I appreciate your comments. Yeah, you Brits always sound so insightful! I try to read your posts with an accent in my mind, and you come off sounding a bit like Roger Moore. I'm sure that's accurate.

All the best to you, and smooth sailing in your healing process, Rick.

Kurt
 
Rick,

Lloydy and I have a lot in common. I kept silent for 38 years. I didn't start dealing with this 'til I was 50. I told my wife about it for the first time on our 28th wedding anniversary after I'd been seeing a therapist for about 2 months and crying my eyes out for the first time in my life. I slowly started telling people. My younger sister and I are close so she was the first one in the family that I told. I've told everyone in the immediate family, not in detail, just that it happened and about when. It's none of their business who did it or how or how long it went on. A week before my dad died last year I even talked to him, he was not conscious or responsive, but I told him and I assured him that he did the best he could and I didn't blame him. I told my mom that it happened, that's it, nothing more. I don't want to burden her with the details and I think she might blame herself for not being there for me at the time. I've told some of my closest friends and all of them have been supportive.

Yeah, there are times when I feel like shouting it from the rooftops because there are still so many people out there who just don't get it. It happens, a lot of guys just don't talk about it, they shove it down so deep that it takes a long time to come back up again when they are able to deal with it. It's a survival mechanism, it worked for me 'til I just couldn't deal with it on my own and sought help. At this time in my life I don't care who knows and can't stay silent anymore.

Take good care of yourself my friend,

Steve
 
Rick,

first, welcome and I'm sorry. Those are the two things I always think when I see a new person post here.

I do not know about yelling from rooftops, but I am much easier able to talk about it now, with anyone. I still am struggling much to actually talk of it with my therapist. But with friends, now, and people I have known for some time, I am more able to.

I still have difficulties sometime, I just want to put it all back away and never think of it anymore. But I know I'm beyond that, in terms of not being able to do it at all, but also, in that I have healed enough that now I CAN handle it. It is still a pain in the but sometime, but I am still surviving.

I wish you well, and again welcome you to this site.

Leosha
 
Rick,

Survivors have a lot of things in common. Hiding the abuse, minimizing it, and denying it is common.

I hid mine from everyone for 26 years, including my wife for the first 15 years that we knew each other, 12 of them as a married couple. When I saw our marriage in "deep doo-doo" I finally told her, but I think I had been preparing to tell her for a few months before that.

Now it seems I did even more hiding, hiding earlier abuse even from myself.

Funny Kurt should mention T shirts. I got the T shirt for the Male Survivor conference in Minnesota last September. I wore it to try to find people in the lobby of the hotel the first night I was there, since I had never met any of the guys except online. I wore one for the flight home. One day I decided to wear it to my SIA meeting, since I would be among survivors anyway. My wife gave me a shopping list for the Home Depot (a chain of lumber and hardware stores here). I didn't get any questions from folks, but I rehearsed my answer in my head over and over!

I fluctuate between wanting to march on Washington (actually not far from where I work these days) and wanting to be left alone to heal myself. Or maybe just be left alone. I've written to newspapers about stories on child sexual abuse, yet I still haven't told most of my own siblings.

I think you'll like this site. In one of your posts I think you said there are survivors all over the world. In Mike Lew's book, "Leaping Upon the Mountain," he has quotes from male survivors around the world, from dozens of countries. We were really only alone while we stayed in silence. Once we break the silence, we are not alone again. We each have to do the hard work of recovery for ourselves, but once we reach out like we do here, we can each escape our "Fortress of Solitude."

Hey, if the therapist thing is American, chalk it up as another worthwhile import, like the grog! :D

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi, Rick!

Boy, do I ever identify with shouting from the rooftops. My particular situation is compounded by the fact from about the age of four (when I think the abuse stopped) until this last spring (just before my 50th birthday), I not only hid it, I couldn't even remember it! Now I am whipsawed between telling everybody and nobody. As I've been reminded by my therapist, why do I want to tell? Is it to convince myself that it did happen? Am I looking for validation? Pity? Do I lay myself open to further abuse by telling the wrong person? All good questions, but in the end, I just have to make a judgment call based on what seems appropriate to the situation. Right now, apart from my therapist, my Al-Anon group, and you guys, no one knows, not even family. I'll just keep listening to those with more experience in this.

Tom
 
Thanks again to everyone on this site for the support you all provide. I'm just amazed another 5 responses (thanks Kurt, Steve, Leosha, Joe & Tom)and all willing to share with me. I've just added a comment to Phoster's posting 'Good Weekend' because he's given me an excellent idea of writing letters to my inner child / abuser / ignorant 'responsible' adults. This will be the first time I've ever managed to get properly angry with my abuser.

Thanks again for all of your advice / good wishes & shared experiences. I feel so much better than I did last week when I first came here.

*By the way Kurt - I don't sound too much like Roger Moore... my voice is way deeper & I have a North East accent (nothing like the Queens English). Don't know if you ever saw 'When the boat comes in' on TV over there but that's more like the accent. **I think I would have made a better James Bond though.

Thanks everyone... Rik
 
I finally told someone what happened only recently after 10+ hiding it. I am still young, 21, and I truly feel for you gents who have held it in for so long, whether intentionally or not. What pain...I am also extremly happy to hear many of you are married and involved in long, hopefully lasting relationships. It gives me a great sense of hope. Marriage, someday, has always been a major goal in life but I was often discouraged, in fact, downright convinced no one would ever accept me for what happened to me. I know I did nothing wrong, but that stigma is a heavy burden to bear.

I have no intention of shouting what happened from the rooftops. In fact, outside of this place and the person I confided in I feel no need to tell. I feel it only aggravates a problem I am thoroughly trying to leave behind in my life. Perhaps I have the wrong idea, but I must move on.

Onward and upward.
 
MichaelD this is Mike talking. Yup there is hope. Some day the right young lady will come along and you will be knocked head over heals. She will love you for who you are and not for what has happened to you. Ime 63 and I would not trade my wife for anything or my daughter also.
 
I know, the sheer thought of finding that woman (hopefully) makes me want to smile, cry, hide, and find her.
 
Rick,

The act of telling people, anyone, as few or as many as you'd like, is a very rewarding, liberating experience, even if the response you get isn't the one that you want.

I lived with the fact that a counselor at my middle school sexually abused me, raped me, and tried to murder me twice in his office and around the school, even while I was repressing the memories, for 26-odd years. I repressed and kept the monster's dirty little secret because I was ashamed of what he did to me (and made me do to him), and scared of what he almost did to me (and threatened to do if I ever told anyone). He had taken the power away from me, and this has affected every Goddamn aspect of my life.

Telling on the b*****d was the first step in taking my power, my life!, back. It can be for you too. And I think it has been.

I'm so glad you found your way here, although I grieve at the fact you need it. I tell every newcomer I post to that I love them, no strings. Considering how some of our abusers used "love" to get what they want, it's important for me to let you know that I love you, without strings or anything in return.

Peace and love, brother Rick.

Scot
 
I understand the impulse to shout it out but I am afraid to do so, afraid of being misunderstood, being judged.

I am still pretty early in the process of recovery. I still feel shame for what happened though the guys here especially have helped me by repeating that its not our fault, not our fault.

I am still extremely angry at my perps for robbing a number of things from me foremost of which is an ability to engage in the sort of sxual intimacy that a lot of guys seem to take for granted.

I guess I would urge caution in telling too many people too soon. I think it is important to have control over that especially since we had no control over the abuse itself. I think that is part of taking care of ourselves.
 
Hi Rick,
What a coincidence, if there are such things, thatI read your post today. Today Rick I turned in my manusrcipt for my memoire. A memoire that chronicled a life that dealt with abuse on numerous levels. I, too, thought that my home life was like everyone elses. I spent years in therapy with therapists who discouraged digging up past grudges with parents, or at the very least the miminalized the effects of the abuse. I felt guilty for everything I did in life, as well as stuff I didn't do.
Rick it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I decided to write my story. I quit my job and wrote it. People(Friends and Family) thought I was losing my mind. I fought feelings of doubt, because I knew I had to write it. My parents death's(ten years ago) were devestating to me an only child. I wrote glorious eulogies that would be fitting for nominations for sainthood. I knew that I was only telling half of the story, that's all I ever told. I was the keeper of the flame and just as Bobby Kennedy did for his big brother I deified my parents in death. But then I finally got it. It took confronting addictions and taking that excruciating hard look in the mirror, I decided to get a comprehensive picture of my life. Thus the book.
Well Rick I hope I haven't piled on here, but there is a point to this. The point is: besides my wife, everyone around here thinks I'm crazy and that I should not live in the past. Most people around here loved my parents and view what I'm doing as downright heressy. I have no support from my extended family. But I have a strong woman who stands by me, she's the strongest person I know, as I fight my way through the external structure that actually perpetuates and encourages abuse.
I feel horrible right now. I feel empty. I feel like I sinned on my family. I feel I have delivered a mortal blow, well at least part of me does. There is a very healthy part of me that says I'm breaking this damn cycle and I'm stronger than my eighty something cousins that want me to stop.
The point is I love my parents still. They were victims just like me. They are the tragic figures because they lived such unfulfilled lives. Me I'm a survivor and I'm shedding that old life and all my negative behavior that allowed me to survive. I don't need that shit anymore.
Silence=Death I heard that last night in a chat room.
I've been dead and silent my entire life and now I choose to live. Rick,you too,it's time to live and speak out.

with empathy and loyalty
Andrew
 
Brayton

I guess I would urge caution in telling too many people too soon. I think it is important to have control over that especially since we had no control over the abuse itself. I think that is part of taking care of ourselves.
Click to expand...
That's exactly how I did it, slowly and on my terms.
And the more people I told the more I began to trust people in general. And so far I have received NO hostility, a few people have been confused and didn't know how to react - but that's no problem. They didn't actively reject me.

So now I don't really care who knows. I told a young lad at work yesterday and his reaction was nothing more than a big smile and "hey, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." and then we just carried on talking. And that's the kind of reaction I get from most people.
I think they realise that because I'm talking about it in a relaxed ( well nearly relaxed ) manner then I must be cool with it.

Possibly if I was to break down in hysterics and tell someone the reaction would be different ?

It is very liberating to be able to talk with others about it as a part of everyday life, but we have to trust ourselves to do that.

Dave

And welcome to Andrew as well, I hope you find this a safe and supporting place, we all do.
 
Thanks again to everyone that has posted responses to my original posting. I feel welcome and supported here. Had a bad start to the weekend feeling negative, although the day has gradually got better. Strange how I always seem to get telephone calls at the crucial points!?

My question now is that there is one person I must tell, and that is my sister. I couldn't do it over Christmas & New Year because I know how much it would upset her. She is the most supportive person there is and I know she suspects something is not right. I just don;t know how to go about it. *She's five years older than me and we've always been close - that's the problem, she won't understand why I didn't tell her before. She'll be mad that I've tortured myself for 34 years.

Thanks if you can help, if not just thanks for your support ...Rik
 
Rik: Damned right she will be mad. My wife and daughter were for not telling them. But you know what they are the best supporters I have.

All we fear is fear itself so just do it and apologize for not telling her. It was just to scary for me to tell. I was afraid I would lose them and that they would look at me as a freak. Tell this to your sister honestly.

Good Luck :p
 
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