Side Swiped by Anger

Side Swiped by Anger
P

Pete2004

User
I don't want to sound like Im bragging, so please bear with me. I'm hurting tonight.

In so many ways, I am a blessed man... challenging work, wonderful wife, two kids whom I love and love me.... An outward image of success. I don't make friends easily (results of SA), but when I do, they are good ones. Usually through my church or work related activities. For 2 weeks, things seemed to be going well... dealing with the SA issues, making progress.. encouraging fellow SA survivors I've gotten to know through IM...and receiving encouragement back...

By default, I have withdrawn from most of my friends over time, I've just let the relationships die on the vine... Throughout the past few weeks, I have felt a "dead" layer within me.. I don't know how else to explain it... it's mostly been easy to ignore it.. but when I try to delve into it... there is so much anger... I realize its been there all my life! The excess weight of carrying the SA burden, the lost possibilities of what I could have been without the abuse... the person I could have been if I didn't have the warped personality that I've struggled to hide and de3al with privately. The "wrong thinking" that comes with emotional, physical and sexual abuse that I have to sort through in tense situations with co-workers, supervisors and the daily trials of living... the insecurities, the profound fears and above all the anxieties that I cannot put my finger on... but I'm just anxious! I'm grinding my teeth at night... My new crowns are even wearing down quickly....I feel like Im wired for 220. I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS AND FREE FROM THIS NOW!!!!! I'm tired of being attracted to men outside the bonds of my marriage! I am when Im down. I dont act on it,I hit the porn instead. but it all scares me! I want it to end NOW! I know it doesn't work that way.. I am who I am and the road given me to travel has been and is difficult....I have overcome a lot... it's quite surprising that I even survived...I will continue on just because that's who I am, but I am afraid it won't get any better.

Guys .. thanks for listening... The tears are starting now. I need you and I need your friendship to continue on this road and not completely screw up.

Pete
 
Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear that has always limited, and continues to limit, people. Just about all of the greatest tragedies in history can be accounted to the fear of the unknown. Your unrealized dreams may also be credited to the same fear. Instead of fearing that it won't get better, make it get better. I have spent my entire life learning, and I have come to realize that I know very little about anything, but I do know that I am here right now and that I will move forward in the directions that I choose to.
 
Pete,

I'm telling you,man..you sound exactly like me. Even down to the 2 kids. It's scarey! I kept things hidden from everyone for 26-27 years. Never even told my wife until about 5 years ago. She was about to walk, so I got some courage from a bottle one night and told her. I still have only told her bits. Only one other person here even has an idea of what I went thru as a child.

I also have trouble keeping friendships. It has nothing to do with the friend, I just sort of lose interest and tend to let the friendships wither on the vine. It seems easier that way for some reason. It's easier to make new friends, although I am shy, than it is to keep the ones I have. I think I don't want anyone to know too much about me. I may slip up and they may find out about my past.

I've been here at MS about 7 months now. It's the greatest thing that I have ever found. I can talk to these guys and they get it! They understand. I feel like such a burden has been lifted. I can tell them things that I can't or won't tell my own wife. At times though, it's like my friendships, I wonder if I am letting too much of my past surface.

It doesn't make any sense, but I'm used to keeping my SA hidden. I've done it for so long, it just seems like the natural thing to do. Some days I just want to scream and tell everyone I know, but then reality hits, and I go back into my closet.

If you ever want to chat, let me know. We can meet in the chatroom or send PMs. Remember, we are your friends at MS. We won't leave you, bud. Promise.
 
Pete - you know that road you are talking about? Well roads aren't always what they seem - near to where I live, there is an old Roman Road (there are several actually) that runs through Brusselton Wood. Most of it is buried under the ground - it's mostly been buried by the actions of nature & the ancestors (brits) of the Roman invaders.

Nature has covered up much of the old stone walkway that was cut through the old woods/forests (between Piercebridge & Corbridge I think) - what man has done over the Centuries is to add hard core (rubble) and finally tarmac to make real roads for people to drive along.

I think that what we do here on this site is something similar. When I first came here (almost a year now), the track was already cut - there was a place to walk without having to duck under branches or get cut by thorns. I have seen changes now (in myself) where I can come here & no matter how much it rains, the path is dry - my feet have a safe place to walk.

My dream is that eventually we will have that tarmac road, where everyone drives safely, and there is no toll to pay before coming here (in other words, abuse will be history).

Pete - we are listening here...even if we don't respond, we are listening.

Best wishes - go easy on yourself....Rik
 
I wanted to say welcome to here.

I am glad that you can recognize the positive things in your life. Sometime the darkness of what we deal with erase those from our mind.

As for what is happening, and wanting it to end 'now', I can relate. I recall thinking, okay, I have admitted what happened, I have said what happened, why am I not better yet? Unfortunately, it is a 'process' of healing, not an event. It takes time. It is not a 'now' thing. I wish it is, I still wish it is, but it is not.

Please do know though that being here, it is a positive step in that healing process. Here you can voice your feelings, your emotions, your fears, and have them met with understanding, compassion and support. This is a very good site in that regard. I hope that you will feel welcome here, and come back as you need to. It will help. I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
Hi, Pete.

I can relate so well to the following:

Originally posted by Charlie2004:
In so many ways, I am a blessed man... (...)An outward image of success.

the anxieties that I cannot put my finger on... but I'm just anxious!

I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS AND FREE FROM THIS NOW!!!!! I'm tired of being attracted to men outside the bonds of my marriage! I am when I'm down. I don't act on it,I hit the porn instead. but it all scares me! I want it to end NOW! I know it doesn't work that way.. I am who I am and the road given me to travel has been and is difficult....I have overcome a lot... it's quite surprising that I even survived...
Click to expand...
I could have written these words, brother. I can feel your anger, I can feel your anxiety, I can feel the pain, the sense of despair. Sometimes it is tough, isn't it? Too tough.

I am sorry to hear that you were feeling that way. I hope you are doing better now.

In my therapy sessions, I am beginning to deal with the anger I have inside. Anger towards my brother (and sexual abuser). Anger towards my father (and big time emotional abuser). I am scared of getting in touch with those feelings. I am really scared. But I know I have no other choice. And I know I will survive that too.

On another topic, I have been thinking about the "outward image of success" and you know what? It is not an image. It is reality. You are a sucessful man! And so am I. We should not let the SA also rob from us the victories which we have actually collected along the way. We deserve to celebrate these victories!

Peace,
Raphael
 
On another topic, I have been thinking about the "outward image of success" and you know what? It is not an image. It is reality. You are a successful man! And so am I. We should not let the SA also rob from us the victories which we have actually collected along the way. We deserve to celebrate these victories!
Click to expand...
Whew... that hits me right between the eyes! Thank you Raphael.

Yes, I have reached some measure of success IN SPITE OF the abuse.... but no where near what I could have if I had not carried this baggage...

I'm a big mixture of my successes and failures.. to a point, a likeable guy (I guess)who unknowingly spews the effects of the SA that I'm just beginning to recognize... A guy who makes friends under the right circumstances and then holds them at arms length or sabotages and freezes the friendship.

I feel really strange..., I'm getting better and at the same time, dealing with more anxieties and fears that I didnt know I had! Really strange to self analyze and at the same time, deal with them.

Thanks my friends!

Pete
 
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