Sick of it......

Sick of it......
B

breakinfree

Registrant
I am so sick of this crap already. I am sick of having nightmares so intense that parts of me wake aching/paining like it just happened. This was f'n 24 yrs ago. I am sick and tired of "feeling" everything all over again. Part of me wants to quit again. I have so many other things to take care of in my life. Mostly because of the whole SA.. My way of surviving was to lie and conceal, to never friggen defend myself. Never to go for what I wanted, I just sat back like a little scared piece of shit. I have lied to the love of my dreams for 3 friggin years, because I was such a scared insecure pussy. I hate this all... I am trying to grab my life before it slips away and it is all f'n uphill. I hate that I survived the way I did. I should have quit along time ago and noone would have had to have been hurt except for me. I have a love inside me dieing to get out, I would love to let it out and pour it over my angel, but because of my cowardice, she doubts it. I have been such a shitty person. I am not a proud survivor, I am an ashamed embarrassed p.o.s. that has a person that loves me and I don't know how to erase my past, or even fix it. Just hate myself for now, needed to vent to my new "friends"....thnx guys
Chris
 
Chris it is not uncommon to have nightmares about the SA when you are starting to heal. I always remembered all my SA and prostitution and acting out and only occasionally had nightmares. This all happened when I was 16-21. When I was 56 I sought help and for two years I had nightmares that were terrible. Like you I woke up totally drained and in pain.

I changed medication from paxil to effexor and welbutrin and they went away. I dont know if it was the medication or the two years of therapy.
 
free-

https://spaz.ca/aaron/billious/RCYS/-good place to go...

TODAY, TOMORROW, YESTERDAY
There are two days in every week
that we should not worry about,
Two days that should be kept free,
from fear and apprehension.
One is Yesterday
with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders,
its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever
beyond our control.
All the money in the world
cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a certain act
or take back a word we've said-
Yesterday is gone.
The other day we shouldn't
worry about is Tomorrow-
with its impossible adversaries,
its burdens, its hopeful promise,
and poor performance.
Tomorrow's sun
with either rise in splendor
or behind a mask of clouds,
but it will rise
and until it does,
we have no stake in tomorrow,
for it is yet unknown.
This leaves only one day-
Today.
Any person can fight the battle
for just one day.
It is only when we add
the burdens of yesterday
and tomorrow that we break down.
The sadness comes not from
the experience of today
but the remorse of bitterness
for something which happened yesterday
and the dread of what
tomorrow may bring.


stay strong, c
 
Thnx guys,
and I liked that Mike..thank you, it did help
 
Chris,

Today wasn't an easy day for either of us, was it?

I hope, I just hope, that you can get by the negative stuff you feel about yourself. You aren't a pussy, you aren't a scared little shit. You were hurt in an unspeakable way and you did what you had to do to survive.

Sure, you can't always feel proud about how you surivived, but you DID survive and become a functioning, caring human being. Others don't. It's a statement to the kind of man YOU are that you did, and you should be proud of that.

I'm not well today, but I'll get better. I'm getting better, and bro, so will you. You are so much better than most.

Peace and love, Chris. I understand.

Scot
 
This is all so new. Since allowing myself my feelings and being open to all of my feelings and sharing them. I am finding that there can be rewards to this pain and hurt. Sharing w/ my GF has brought alot of understanding not only about my SA but about life. Sharing with you all has made me feel part of something. I wish none of us had to be here but we are. I am proud to call you guys friends, and I hope that someday I will be strong enough for you guys to lean on. For now, thank you all..This road is so long and shitty at times, but when you do it with friends it is more of a journey of discovery...Peace and healing
Chris
 
Chris - many of us here would love to erase 'some' of our past. We cannot do that, so the best I myself can do is change how I react towards it.

The first step I took in doing that was finally confronting it head on after 34 years....I did that fairly recently and it's the best thing I've ever done. It hurt like hell to finally do it but that pain was worth it - it has erased so many of the negative feelings that I had about myself. I am now starting to see myself to be more like other people would describe me, rather than that warped image I had of myself. I used to think that everyone that looked at me could tell what had happened to me, and that they new it was my fault.

How wrong I was!

We have all been betrayed by one or more ********, but there are many more good people out there. We need to give both them and ourselves a chance.

*you are so right about this site and the friends that we have here - I believe that my recovery has been greatly accelerated simply by coming here.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Chris,

The bright side of finally addressing this s@#t is that it will get better. The down side is that it are rough patches along the way. The starting line is one of those. Hang in there and you will see the fruits of your labor.

Mike,

That was a wonderful "poem".

Take care
Bill
 
Again, I am so sorry of how hard this is to you. I know that it is still very new to you, and that will make it more difficult. Please do try to retain in your head that it does become easier, and it will become better. I still have some very bad days and am very sick of it all, but they are getting some better. I never thought 9, or 6, or even 2 months ago that it would, but it is. Please try to maintain your strength and hope. And 'lean' on people here.

Leosha
 
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