Sick and Tired

Sick and Tired
F

FlyWM

Registrant
DAMN!!!!!!! I'm so sick of being sick. I have been sick since January 11, started off as the flu, then turned into bronchitis which has really gotten my asthma going, I can hardly breathe. I hate seeing doctors, when I was little there was a doctor who abused me, nothing "severe" but still sexually abused me, so maybe I waited too long to see a doc this time, I see a lung specialist next week. Anyway, when I was sick as a child my father was always extra cruel and sadistic towards me. He would lock me in a small "dungeon room" for coughing, or keep my breathing meds away from me when I needed them, so now not only am I physically sick, but emotionally I am a wreck. Why does all this happen? I know there is no answer even though I really want one. I can't take it anymore.

I fear being sick because of my father, I fear the dark, bugs, etc. all because of how cruel the SOB was when I was sick. But a littlwe poetic justice now he has Emphasyma (spell check) so now he knows how it feels not being able to breath, and even through all he did to me I almost pity the poor sap, how warped is that?

I just feel so alone, I sit in the corner of my room with just a little light, not crying, I've never really been able to cry, but really wanting to cry and rant and rave, but I have to act civilized, must act like an adult. All I want is to run to someone to hold me and help me feel better, but I don't even have that. I live with my mother, but she is distant and whatever, I just don't know what to do or think. I am so scared since I can't breathe, and that makes me scared my dear old dad may come bursting through the door, I know that isn't realistc, after all he lives in Florida, but all the terror he put me through and everything. But I guess I'll survive, may come out pretty scathed, but I will come through, I just wish it were easier.

I just feel so dam alone like no one understands, maybe that is why I'm trying here again, I guess we'll see how it all turns out.

Peace,
Scott
 
Dear Scot, I am always simply amazed at the cruelty that people are capable of. It is even worse when the person who is being cruel is your parent. You know, we've all been abused here and you'd think that nothing could shock us anymore, but something like your story comes along and I feel so badly and get so angry...... How could anyone do that to a kid? Or anyone for that matter? And I'd like to think that if I were there that you could run to me and cry and that I could hold you. But I know that right now I'm incapable of running to another man and letting him do that for me. Why is that? It seems like such a basic thing for humans to be able to do for one another. It's so simple. And it seems to be the one who needs the holding who can't do it. I think almost any of us would be more than willing to hold someone who was hurting while he cried. I would feel honored by the trust. And I would feel like I was holding myself in a way. No wonder you're afraid and sit in your corner. Who wouldn't?

I know no one likes to describe an illness and then have everyone say, "Well, I've had that." But I've had that. I got it before Christmas...had a fever for three days without symptoms...then it went to my chest and just stayed there. They put me on steroids (didn't get buff, damnit) and anitbiotics...twice, and gave me an inhaler...and it's still with me. Of course, I don't have the ashtma to go with it, so you must really be miserable. I hope they are able to help you knock it soon. Nothing is worse or as scary as not being able to get your breath.

And your little kid locked up without his medicine. Come over here, Scot. I want to hold you and let you cry and then I have a few things I'd really like to say to your father, if you don't mind. Hang in there, guy. We understand and we care. Bobby
 
wow Scott. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry you were treated that way.

((((((Scott))))))
 
I can't believe how horrible some parents can be. Reading your post made me angry, too, at your dad. It's like you're not allowed to be human. We all get sick, and you know, I feel for you, because that lung stuff going around is awful, and I can't even imagine having asthma on top of it. And how could a father do that to any little boy, much less his own son???

Take care of yourself. Even if nobody else will, you take care of yourself. You deserve it.
 
Scott - sorry if I am commenting out of place. He may have been your biological parent, but he does not sound like a father.

As for Doctors, I think that you know as well as I do that 99.999% of them would never do anything to harm you - it's that 0.001% risk that used to frighten me.

In the last year I had tubes up my uretha to insert cameras due to kidney stone problems. I now have the all clear. When I went to hospital I told one of the nurses that I had been abused. Everyone on the team explained to me what they would be doing throughout the examination - there were no surprises. No one laughed at me - they were more surprised that someone actually told them about their concerns, rather than just lying there suffering. I have another x-ray (just to make sure no more stones are developing)on August the 11th this year & I feel so much better about going there next time.

Scott - trust is a very difficult thing, but I am slowly realising that there are so many more decent people out there than there are bad.

Here's wishing you better health for the future ...Rik
 
I can believe how horrible people can be. I have seen it several times. I no longer work the road, having gone to a plain clothes job, (disagreement with command staff). I have seen what people do to their kids. I have been with family services when they FINALY take kids out of a house. Not a home, a house. It brought my own memeories up, but I was too busy to worry about that. It was hardest to resist the urge to drag assholes out to the woods, make them feel what its like to be tied down, burned, beaten, left in the cold, made to shit themselves and sit in it. Sometimes they would want to fight. Made it all that much better. All those stories we hear, well, everyone here knows they are true. I didnt have much faith in humanity, then became a cop and lost all of it. My in-laws keep foster kids. I don't know that it realy helps. Kids get to see what normal life is, then, the state's goal...REUNIFICATION! Right back to the hell hole they go. Only now dad is realy pissed. It doesnt end, it doesnt seem to get better. Sorry to sound depressing, just got to thinking about the past few years. I have also seen people at their absolute best. People will do amazing things for absolute strangers, without even thinking about it. Totally selfless acts.
If you can find a doc you can trust, stay with them. There are realy good ones, professional. Think about all the things they see and keep a straight face. They pack away their emotions at work too. Remember, they report a lot of abused kids.
I found it best to go ahead and rave. Be angry. Find an outlet. Punching bag, split wood, something. I have several outlet, and would go nuts without them.
I know, have seen what people can do. I think guys here are bigger than them, better.
mh
 
Scott, you have been away for a bit of a while, I welcome you back, but hey, get to the doctor.
Really for me, this is a contradiction, because I too would suffer so much without going to see my doc, and just suffer.
Parents have no right to mentally abuse you, especially after SA, but then they do not know the agony their own child is suffering.
They expect them to just grow out of it. How many times have I heard that phrase#
My father was pretty protective, no, over protective, but I remember being beaten for things I did not do, he said he would have me sent to a home, and it really scared me.
All of this was due to the fact that I had to deal with this shit alone without any help.
I too had asthma attacks as a child, my older brother called me things like "pig", he also told all of his few friends that I was a freak, or gay etc., causing acute embarrassment.
I confronted him one day, and told him he was not my brother, and I did not know who he was.
Abuse is bad enough, but denial certainly puts loads of icing on the cake, I remember him hitting my younger brother one day, and I freaked out on him, he backed off, cos he could not take me on.
Some people are so evil in what they do, even when they don't need it.
Even when they are family, the biggest joke is, he loved me, and protected me, but he really made my life a living HELL.
Calling me gay, or whatever after he knew I was attacked by a stranger was never my understanding of brothely love, but it must have changed so much of my child life.
As an abused kid, we really get to the point where we think that nobody ever cared, we crave the affection that we should have given and got in our teenage years, because it was all marred by deep sadness and so much loss.
I too, am sick and tired, I think we all are, but I am going to get there, I always did, and you will too.
You have more courage than anyone, always believe it, you had to,

thanks for sharing,

ste
 
Hey everyone, thanks for the replies, it felt good to vent out how I felt.

Well, I saw the Pulminary Specialist today and he put me on a high dose of steroids to fight the inflimation in my lungs from my asthma. Hopefully that will help, if not I have to have some CT Scans done, I hope I canavoid that.

I still feel pretty low about the whole thing, but I'll survive.

Just wanted to give you guys an update.

Peace,
Scott
 
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