Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger

Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
L

Leosha

Registrant
I know that everyone gets tired of this sh*t that we have to deal with, the legacy of what has been done to us. Oh yes, and THANK YOU, you f*cking basterds who did this, let me show my gratitude properly. I thought I had come 'somewhere' in this healing. I thought maybe I had DONE some? Now I do not even know. My doctor, last week, she changed one of my medications, the one I guess for just me being crazy (Mellaril, I'm sorry if anyone else is on that one, I do not mean you are crazy, I just know that I probably am some), because of what happen with bad reaction to a different medicine last month, and that there is possible bad reactions with this one, even though I have not had the problems with it. She put me on different medicine called Geodon (so with that one, the two antidepressants, the two antibiotics, sleep pill, pain pill and the nerve like pill, I am pilled to death). Since changing the medicines, have had more panic, flashbacks, body memories, not sleeping, not able to eat, not reasonable or rational, cutting and burning myself and hitting myself in the head to get the dam voices to shut up, and just going total crazy. So I call therapist today, and talked with doctor also, and they have me increase dose of this new medicine. But now I am thinking, have I healed at all? Or is it just this f*cking medicine, making me think I have done something? Have *I* done anything, other then become someone who needs all these stupid pills? Am I ever going to be better of all this?

Leosha
 
leosha,
you are not crazy, not by a long chalk! medicines affect the brain chemistry, something you already know, i am sure. because of all the meds you are on now and trying to find the right dosage it is wreaking havoc with your chemical balance therefore everything is hitting the fan. hang in there, leo. pm me if you need me.
 
Hey Mr. Brass Band you be the man. Ok. And you know what I am talking about. Ime proud to walk with you. But you are really going to have to teach me some Russian. I think I know a couple of words. DA NYET Thats about it though. Oh and DUDE :D :D :D
 
Leosha,

I am sorry you are having so many problems. But you're not alone, I am on more medicines for all this than I can even keep track of, so I have to believe that doesn't make us any less healed, I think it assists in our healing journey, helps us until we can help ourselves.

You are far from crazy, if you were crazy that would make me crazy, wait, maybe not a good thing to say since I know myself :D Anyway, you are not crazy, if you were crazy you wouldn't be able to grasp the concept at all.

You have healed, I have known you for quite awhile, and I have seen you heal quite a bit, I am so proud of you for how far you have come. You have healed a lot, and you should be proud of that also, I know you may not see that you have healed, but you have I can see it in you.

But, in time you will get even better and heal more, just takes time and work unfortunately. But you can make it, you are strong and have a good and powerful spirit which shines through, and will help to sustain you through this healing journey. Know I am wishing you all the best, and I am always here for you.

scott
 
My friend,

You are not crazy, and you HAVE made improvement, it's just hard to see with your docs monkeying around with your meds AND being "pilled to death." (I like that and I'm going to use this!)

Tarry with us, Leo, and rest a spell. You've earned it. I'm here for you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Leosha,

Yeah this shit gets tiring. This baggage those perps gave us, too bad we can't lose it as fast as the airlines (Sorry, Mark). To the hell with them - to the hell with them all.

As Scot says, it can seem we are being "pilled to death". I was recently taking so many medications for a variety of things, I carried them around in a shoe box and the box was full. A drug interaction had me unable to stay awake for more than 5 or so minutes or so. I cut out all but the necessities, and have been emotionally better since then. In the last week or so the pain, from the 'plumbing' problem, has been pretty bad (making it very difficult to walk) and has been taking a emotional toll on me.

So, what I am saying is- No, your not going crazy. It takes a while for the docs to get the meds right, they react differently on each of us, and differently on us with the changing meds we are taking. I'm glad you called your doctor and T, a great sign your not crazy. The meds are a support as we heal. They are not a permanent thing.

Take care, Leosha

Bill
 
Leosha,

It's you doing the work and making progress. If it were just the meds, it wouldn't be so hard.

You're doing the work. You're recovering. You're going to reap the benefits. Believe it.

Joe
 
Leosha,

Take it from someone in the medical field--I wouldn't use the opinions of doctors necessarily as the end all for your progress.

Furthermore, in terms of medications and mood swings and the like, well I'd listen to them on that one without interpreting it too much though. Just because you get strange reactions, they up your dose, change medications, etc., does not mean you have not progressed. In fact, that fact that you are doubting it a little bit is likely a good sign (as it shows you're not simply on the whim of these drugs and are able to evaluate things very consciously).

One thing we do know now about this whole brain stuff and chemicals is that drugs are extremely powerful (especially "brain drugs"). They can do all sorts of stuff to your brain, and despite the amount of stuff we've done on pharmacology, we are not all the same. Thus, these drugs you are taking can elicit all sorts of unexpected effects.

Just make sure you tell your therapist and doctor what is going on. I'm sure you'll stabilize a little more soon (once they truly pin down the right dose and type of med), but it'll take patience. You've gone this far, I know you can keep on picking yourself up.

Hang in there, and have faith bro. We're all here with you.
 
Man do I understand the feeling of just not going anywhere in my recovery. I get that way all the time. I tell you I've seen how you have grown as a man sence you have been posting here. When I get like in my recovery I like to go back and re-read some of my old post from when I first started coming here. And it helps me see how much I've grown and changed over the last couple of years. Leosha, your a strong brother. Sometimes changing meds will really mess with your head till they get leveled out in your system, just keep doing what you are and telling your t and your doctor what is going on with you. (((hugs)))
James
 
I went on Prozac and then Lofepramine for depression just recently, and I came off both of them on my own accord. The side effects were worse than the f****g depression !
I did tell my doctor I was coming off them, and he agreed as long as I remained in therapy and showed some positive effects from that - which I have.

I know that depression is as much about chemical imbalance in our brain workings as much as the abuse etc, but for me it is easier to deal with the abuse through therapy with a clear head than with one that feels as though it belongs to some dope fiend junkie.

I don't recommend that anyone comes off their medicine without their doctors full help and agreement, well maybe argue about the 'agreement' bit, but I do feel that many doc's are far to free with giving out strong drugs.

Take care Leosha, I know how you feel and it isn't nice.

Dave
 
People have been after me to take psychotropic drugs to aid in my recovery and depression for as long as I can remember. I'm very hesitant to do this though.

I know that the achilles heel of contemporary science is it's consuming arrogance, when in reality we know precious little about most things, the human mind in particular. Pumping a myriad of mind-altering chemicals into unbelievably complex brain chemistry without science really having much actual Knowledge about the unique reactions/interreactions each of us may have to them seems profoundly questionable to me. We're behaving like toddlers with a ten-million piece lego set.

Our culture has become obsessed with the immediate gratification of every urge and ailment. Indeed we've come to feel all but Entitled to such simplistic cures in recent years, thanks to Madison Avenue. Seemingly over half the airtime of this year's Superbowl was purchased by med-pushers. Even our children have become sedated little zomblins. It moves me to tears thinking about it. People take meds to counteract the side effects of other meds. Meds on top of meds on top of meds. And don't forget the liver damage and other Physical dysfunction issues.

Juxtapose this with those who advocate that we have whatever resources within ourselves we might need to deal with anything in our lives--the Divine Spark, some call it; all that is lacking is knowledge in how to access and apply these abilities. Well, I personally believe we need other people we can trust to care about us in this life. But making your brain and body a drug-laden chili pot just seems counter-
intuitive to me. At the very least, it takes ME out of control and puts the drugs IN control of just too many reactions within me.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not throwing water on the whole CONCEPT of chemical assistance. Its just that we know so very, VERY little about the mind, as much as our over-inflated egos would like to think otherwise.

The temptation to take responsibility out of our own hands and put it in ANYone/thing else's is a VERY powerful one, particularly in those of us who are hurting so badly. Oftentimes i feel like a soldier mortally wounded far behind enemy lines, the only options being to either finish myself off or stagger my way to safety on my own. I know the desperation, i know the ineffable agony, i know the consuming loneliness; and its why i've written this post. I've never heard of fellas like us on more than just a couple of meds ever benefitting substantially. More seem only to add yet another source of pain to one's life and ...that's the last thing we need.


Warmly, Gary
 
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