Sibling's Anger

[JAAY]

I have a quick question. I am the middle child of a big family. I have 5 sisters and a brother. My siblings are either really nasty about life and when I bring up our childhood abuse tell me to deal with it and move on or they are in complete denial. Has anyone else felt this? I question their ability to be realistic but value my memories being validated.

Thanks!

 

[roadrunner]

Jaay,

Family members aren't necessarily equipped to deal with such revelations just because they are related to us. It would be great if the world worked like that, but unfortunately it doesn't. I guess there would be a million reasons for this, ranging from cruel indifference to just plain naivete.

I'm sure that kind of experience is crushing and devastating: basically you are being told that your hurt doesn't matter, and hence that you are unimportant. Your siblings may not see it that way, okay, but that is what's happening.

I have managed to avoid this by watching out carefully for who I disclose to. There are family members of mine who I would never tell in a million years, while on the other hand when I recently went to the USA to disclose to my parents, I called on a number of friends whom I know really love me and care about me. I knew I could trust them.

We also need to bear in mind that society is still not ready for this kind of news. It always happens to someone else. Often our relatives let us down just because they have been caught by surprise and have no clue how to respond. In some cases they just need time to react.

That said, I think we all need to build up a circle of safe people around us, a kind of inner sanctum if you like. Admission to that sanctuary we grant when we see real signs that someone is caring and sensitive.

You are right. Your memories and feelings need to be validated; that is part of the healing process. Only let into your circle people who will do that for you.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Caetel]

Hey !
I have been dealing with my family denial since I have disclosed the incest by my father.
Reactions were diversed :
- my father (the abuser) : strong denial of anything happening, denial of even having sexual fantasies about incest, accusing me of being mentally ill, asking the judge to lock me in mental instutution
- my mother : kind of know something happened, even asking my uncle whether I was raped but refuse to recognize the abuser is her own husband+ very ambivalent feelings towards me from my birth which is a love and hate dynamic
Is still living with my father and has made no attempt to talk to me in 3 years, still playing the victim and like an ostrich (head in the sand)
- my twin sister: at first told me she thought she had been abused too (idea crossed her mind after her suicide attempt in 1994) but when I told her the abuser was our father she strongly denied everything and basically put her children in danger to the point I think my niece has been abused (and that's how I went on to press charges). My twin sister has been neglected all her life and after I disclosed the abuse my father started to play sweet with her and she got totally fooled thinking she was loved. So she turned very agressive to me, showing she had been jealous of the "special" relationship I had with my father. From that, violent denial of any mistreatment and father turned like the "perfect dad". Also accused me of pressing charges because I am jealous of her life and because I have failed my career in theatre !!!!
- other sister (23 years old): admitted at first, totally shattered but ready to go into therapy but telling me she did not want to have to chose side. Straight after that, saw my father several times and has not been in contact with me ever since I disclosed the abuse (and also took side for my father during the investigation, also describing "perfect dad".
- my uncle (mom's brother): believes me and has been supportive at first but totally traumatized by the impact of disclosure. Feels very guilty and slowly recognizing my mom's responsibility in the abuse happening for all these years (from 8 months to 11 years of age). So now when we talk, he avoids all conversation about the abuse and avoids inviting me to his place (I have not been there in 2 years)though he invites my mom (but my father is totally refused access to his place). My uncle has strongly advised me to forgive and not press charges but was able to recognize in the end the necessity to do so to protect my niece and also to help me in my healing.
So here is my experience with family members and siblings.
I have been to a workshop on the therapy provided for siblings at the conference in Gatineau. If I find the resum I will translate it and put it 'cos it was very interestings.
In dysfunctional family, the siblings are also divided and play different emotional roles or provide different things for the parents. Their reaction is always linked to that and also to the amount of love they think they have received compared to the other ones.
I hope this post will help you. My experience has been very painful and though I wasn't naive, some revelations came as a shock. One of the most difficult thing has been to handle being alone, without the support of a family, believing in myself, my feelings and my choices. The cost for being free has been very high but I regret nothing and I am proud of my achievements. Still, the loneliness is sometimes unbearable.
Love and blessings
Caro

 

[TRACYUK]

JAAY
I'll validate your feelings for you. People don't make stuff like this up. That a fact and well documented. Believe your memories. You sound spot on in your analysis of your siblings. Either feeling so nasty about lfe they can't envisage "healing" or in complete denial.

Caro

I'd be realy pleased to be able to share the resume you describe. Thanks in advance for taking the time to actually translate this for people.

The structure and forethought has clearly paid off for you Larry. Thats great. Hope you are still getting positive benefits from your recent disclosure.

Love

Tracy

 

[JAAY]

Tracy, Larry and Caro

Much thanks for your support and wisdom. I was on the phone today with my oldest sister and had words. She was telling me how many games our mother played when we were growing up and I responded that dad was far worse then mom. She told me that I was wrong because dad would only blow up at people like she does. I agreed that she did blow up and that at times she was hostile and angery. I mentioned her last visit and the way she acted. She did not recall any interaction with me and acted as if I was not at my mother's house TO make a long story short she told me that she never wanted to speak to me again. I regret that it has come to that but I really needed to stick up for myself. She acts as if I am just over reacting to my father's strict upbinging. I know in my heart I will never change her. I also know that telling my siblings will only prolong my recovery and set me back. I do have a good support system among my friends. I know that is a blessing.

Thanks for listening!
Jaay

 

[EGL]

Jaay,

As Larry has often reminded me, many of us come from toxic families - people who are just no damn good for us. It hurts us a lot because we want them to be something they can never be, which is a loving, supportive family. It's just not going to happen in my own case. They simply don't have the capacity or emotional skills for it. As such, they could care less whether the truth is real or not. My mother is in denial about the past, but she knows I have severe issues with it. She even told me that she worries about what I have told my children (which is nothing, I don't want them to know anything at this point in their lives). But the fact that she worries indicates to me that she knows she failed in several areas. But she will never admit that.

Sorry your living with a family that is in denial like this. I certainly understand what you're going through with them.

 

[Caetel]

JAAY

Sorry to hear what happened with your sister but I would like to validate the strong commitment you made on doing what is right for you despite the pressures of denial of your dysfunctional family. Like you I have had the support of amazing friends. Though it can never replace the love we expect from our own family, it has been tremendously important for my recovery and also to have healthy models of behaviour. They show me everyday that they love me for who I am really, they respect my choices in life and they are very supportive in times of doubt or despair.
It has been a long journey to mourn the ideal family I never had and would never have. But, this journey has saved me from self destruction and has giving me a strong will to live and to enjoy life.
I respect my siblings choices, I understand their fears behind the denial and I can only pray that one day they will finally have the courage to step on the road of recovery.
I salute your courage and validate an amazing deed of self love and self respect.
Warmest regards
Caro