shutering in my room

shutering in my room
T

tofeno

Registrant
I have looked from time to time on this web site and part of my ego has made me not engage in the discussion going on here. I am struggeling with my place in this world, were I am going to live and my carrere direction. Yet all the felings of isolation, fear of being toached and even at times being noticed scares me to the depts of my being. Some time I feel as if I have moved forward even with feeling better about sex and my own body and others days like today were I have nothing to do my mind falls in on its self and I feel so parilized that I can't move out of my room. This room is at my Mom's who I haven'tlived with for years and I know that it is not healthy for me to live but I can't seam to feel were it is that I am suppost to do more of my healing. I also have a lot of troble trusting men and so it has taken a long time to use this site. I have being praying to my higher power for help and guidence. And as I find strength in my self I have to face another big fear of asking people for help. I have felt that the very few friend I have told about the sexal abuse and of thoes all but one is still in regulat contact with me. But I also have done such a good job of distancing my self from them that it is hard to say what the reason is.

I thamk all of you for listening...I guess that a good listener is what I am so desperate to find in my life. It makes me feel less alone in my life and it counteracts the negative feelings inside of me about me as a man and that I have a right to feel sad, small and in need of help.

Paul
 
Paul
there's a big bunch of good listeners here, we can't see each other and don't know if other people are even reading what we write.
But we do, we read and relate to it. We're often surprised that other people have the same problems and feel the same way. We're used to the isolation and believing that we're the only people in the whole world that think, feel and act like we do.

the realisation that we AREN'T the only ones is a great shock at first, but it becomes a great comfort and source of support. None of us is alone.

We all search for our place in the world, and we all have one. Your recovery will take you there.
And it's easier to find your way when you have along for the ride.

Lloydy
 
Paul,

I'm realizing now that part of the abuse is that they leave you feeling like you are different than everyone else. Part of the trick I think they play is that they tell you you are special and in a way you want to be different. But its all probably been done before to all of us here. I still can't believe the similarities many of us share here.

Angry
 
I have struggled with feelings of depression and and distrust all my life (28 years);I was molested and totured for the first 14 by my father. I have never trusted men of any sort; but I have a son and I ve been trying to deal with that problem especially. I have to trust men or else how will he be able to? Coming to this site a posting what little I have has helped me feel better about men in general. And when I face the world each day, I must put on my armor (my beliefs and thoughts that protect me from those outside). Sometimes, I gotten so withdrawn that I go and sit in a closet, even though I am home alone; sometimes I feel I NEED depervation from all things. But my overwhelming insecurities, fears, and lack of trust seem to always fade away; at least to a level where I can function.
Please, know that there are men who can be trusted and there are GOOD things that come from bad; its okay to not want to be around people....MOST of the time. But you must challege yourself, if only for your benefit; the world is yours but you have to go and get it. Go to places that interest you ( library, coffee shop, art museum, dog show, porn shop, etc.)and make new acquaintances. Be adventurous. Be healthy. Be happy. Lots of luck.
 
Thanks for all your posts...I am in a new situation and haven't checked my posting untill now..Thanks I neede the encouragement and I hope to slowly move forward and to try and trust people a bit more.

Paul
 
You touched a nerve with me. I live in my room, and miss so much of what is happening in the world. It has nearly always been like this for me. I want things, like a home and a family, but I don't know how to get them, and I feel overwhelmed most of the time. So I feel and write and look out my window.

The memories are slowly surfacing, following the feelings up and out. A life of being an actor, and surviving. I still have some hope, and am coming out of a relationship where I was a victim once again. (I met her on the internet)

One thing I respect about this living in my room is that it is a safe place to be. I don't beat myself up for it anymore, and I try to treat myself the way I would treat another man who lived through what I did as a boy and as a man.

I hate having been a victim, but through sharing I am accepting it as true, and expressing the feelings. I don't feel quite as trapped today.

Ken
 
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