Should I wait?

Should I wait?
A

AGirlUnsure

Registrant
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for several months. Just a couple of days ago, he told me out of nowhere that he was afraid of being close and broke up with me and also told me that he had been sexually abused by his mother. I said that I was willing to wait for him to heal (he's going to see a therapist) and be ready for a relationship, even though I know it will be a long time. He told me that he didn't love me in the same way anymore and that I should move on. I love him a lot and still want to be with him, and I'm willing to wait, but am I just setting myself up to have my heart broken again?
 
Also wanted to say that if he wanted to just break up because he doesn't love you the same anymore, he would do just that, he wouldn't also tell you about such a personal thing as abuse or incest.

When my husband stopped saying "I love you" to me, it was on the night he told me I deserve so much better because he's "messed around so much" on me. Why did he tell me that? So I could blame him w/ adultery? No, I believe it was a way to see how much I could handle, if I would still stick around through this kind of stuff. Because I know he still loves me.
 
Thank you very much for your help. I've thought about this a great deal over the past week and I know that I am committed to him no matter what. I talked to him a bit and he admitted that he felt that he was "too messed up" to be with me. I told him that I would always be here and that I wasn't going to just leave him, no matter how long it might take for him to be ready. I wish I had the courage to say all the things that I feel I need to say, but I think that will come with time.
Thank you very much.
 
I likewise wish I had the courage to tell my husband that I have a pretty good idea what he meant when he said, "You just don't know...if you truly knew me..." I want to tell him I already know or at least probably do, that none of it matters, he can't shock me, I'm here forever etc. But we see each other so little due to his work, and I'm always afraid to bring "it" up. I know he'd rather not talk about it, he'd rather make small talk, which drives me absolutely nutty since I feel so desperate. I can't even tell him I had an HIV test that I'm waiting for the results on! I can't even tell him I want him to get one! Everyone says, "Don't push," so I'm going crazy all by myself. This is nuts.
 
I don't know, I waited for what seemed like an eternal week while my boyfriend distanced himself from me and made small talk when I knew something was going on and he wouldn't tell me what. It wasn't until I pushed and begged to know what was going on that he was honest with me. Of course, the proverbial shit hit the fan after that (and he broke up with me), but I at least have an idea what he's going through now and what I can do. Of course, the general consensus is always that such things are talked about face-to-face, but if you never get the chance, perhaps an email/voicemail might be a possiblity? My well wishes to you.
 
Thanks, AGirlUnsure, I do feel as if we're "getting closer" to having it come out. He knows I read this website and that I've read 4 books on the subject and that I see a counselor about it every 2 wks! So gosh, he should have some idea that I kind of know what is going on...and what kinds of things happened to him...I do feel as though I can "read" him so much better now. I know that so many times if I ask if he's ok, he'll say yes, when in fact he's not...just like he did as a child in order to hide the abuse. Same if he is obviously injured in some way physically, he always downplays it.

When I have tried to get him to talk in the past he usually ends up very defensive and angry with me and says "Just drop it!" ... so it is hard. I am a very kind, sweet person if I may say so myself, so I don't know why he is so defensive except that he hasn't been ready. I know enough now to know that behind the anger is always fear and sadness.

But I do feel that we are getting closer...it is weird. Just by little actions of his, a small hug here and there, just tenderness, kindness... I think he is just starting to feel safe with me after 14 yrs, which just tells you how shameful he feels the csa is. It breaks my heart and I only love him more for it.
 
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