should I confront him, or not?

should I confront him, or not?
C

champ

New Registrant
We are talking about something that happened 30 years ago. I was probably in some sort of denial about it until the age of about 19 when I told some friends what had happened. I later told my girl friend and now wife. 5 years ago or more I met a fellow pupil from the school and told him. He encouraged me to speak to the headmaster. I did. I was very angry and a lot of things came out. He asked me to come and see him. I refused.

A couple of years ago I received a message through friends reunited from a boy I knew had also been abused by the same man. It all came out during a very intense couple of months that scared the hell out of my wife. We confronted the head master and others. The upshot was that it was discovered the master (paedophile) was now in South Africa, still teaching. The authorities are aware to some extent, and hopefully he is being watched and is not re-offending.

However, whenever I read some story in the papers, the old feelings come back. I would like to travel to South Africa, confront him, and ask him why...? He probably wouldn't be able to answer that, but I would also like to know if he is sorry for the pain and damage he has caused. In short, I just want to confront him, and I really don't know how the confrontation would pan out, but it's a recurring sentiment. If he were dead I would dance on his grave, but he's not.

Is this a common sentiment with others, and if so, how do they deal with it? Do many people confront their abusers?
 
I confronted mine in court. He is now in prison.

My advice, do like me, wait till he's dead, then go dance on his grave. Thats what Im going to do.
 
champ,

I can well imagine you want to take action, especially as the perp is still working with kids and may still be offending.

Have you seen Ken Singer's article on confrontation on this site? It's very useful and will have a lot of ideas for you. Here's the link:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

I think you should also consider the question of what it is that you think will be achieved by confronting him. What do you WANT? Vindication? Reconcilation? They're very different things, of course. How will it affect you if he denies he ever harmed you? How will it feel if he tells you to get over it because it was a long time ago? And so forth.

In all these areas I think the key issue is how confrontation will promote your recovery. If it's just a matter of alerting the police to the presence of a pedophile in a school, there are ways to do that without making a trip to South Africa for a personal confrontation.

I am not trying to dissuade you - far from it. But abuse was all about telling you that your welfare comes last. Now, in your recovery, is the time to put it first. Look at your options with a carefully considered "me first" attitude, and then make your decision.

Much love,
Larry
 
I have a similar situation. I found out where my abuser now lives (comfortable retirement in Canterbury) and emailed Kent Police via my Hotmail account. Expected a reply saying they had a huge file on him, but just got a crime number.

My fear of confronting him is that I would revert to a helpless 8 year old child and be abused again (even though I am now 6'3" and squarely built) and that I would also not be believed by anyone - reverting to the defenceless child I was. I suppose I might also turn violent, but I am not too bothered by that.

I think JapanZen has a point. I would love to go to my abuser's funeral and give my testimony in front of his nearest and dearest. If not, I shall certainly be visiting his grave....

BTW, if you are in London there is a weekly survivors' group: https://www.survivorsfellowshiplondon.org.uk/

Best wishes,

David
 
Like I said, I confronted him in court and what a waste of space he had become. Not the big man who threatened and hurt me when I was a child but only a pathetic old man.

Having confronted him to the fullest extent possible Im looking forwards to the day I can dance on his grave, I may even go as far as to have a beer and piss on the old &'$&%$ for good measure. :eek:
 
i confronted and put my abuser in prison and there she will be for the next 21 yrs, in my opinion it was only for being able to confront my abuser but also because i felt an obligation, there's a sexual abuser a criminal out there and they are free, what if they abused someone else, i cudlnt have that on me because i didn't want to go through with it, do whatever you can to get justice, for yourself and for others who could be in harms way
 
Bobby,

It's never a bad idea for an abuser to go to jail, and I think you are showing a really healthy attitude here. You have won justice for yourself but have also made sure that your mother cannot hurt others.

The man who hurt me died 12 years ago now, and in any case the abuse ended in 1963, so even with an extended statute of limitations I probably would have had no recourse against him. I did go to his grave, however. I didn't dance or piss on it; I'm not sure how that would have helped me. But what I did do was write a letter to him, burn it, and scatter the ashes over his grave. That was a powerful experience and it helped me a lot.

I guess we all have our own ways of getting some closure with the abuser. However, we do it, I think it's important to have that closure.

Much love,
Larry
 
I hope to have that closure someday. I've asked Brian a few times if he ever considered taking legal action. It freaks him out to think about it so I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't take legal action for myself without it effecting and/or involving my brother and I can't do that to him, not until he's ready. He's been through enough trauma.
 
I confronted the perv in court, and recently face to face!

He couldn't get away from me quick enough.

I'm glad I did it, but it will never take back what happened!

best wishes ...Rik
 
Dennis,

I just wanted to comment that I think you are making the right decision in postponing your own desire for closure through legal means.

As you say, this would inevitably drag Brian into the picture. From what you have said elsewhere on the Board I think it's clear this kind of thing would have a catastrophic effect on him. All the assurances in the world would not assuage his fears, and the added pressure could well mean a pretty much complete collapse of everything he is trying to do right now - especially where school is concerned.

Have you checked on the statute of limitations for abuse cases in your state? These are being revised in many cases, and there may well be plenty of time for legal redress for the both of you.

Much love,
Larry
 
there are two things in my life that rank at the top of the bad list ,being abused and going through court as a kid ,no one can ever be prepared for that,if you 17 or 13 its not something i would want to put anyone through
 
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