Shock

[i-m-Bri]

I am coming to understand how deeply in shock I was when I escaped. I’ve tried to credit myself with bravery, but it always felt like I was on autopilot. Which feels dismissive. The clever shit I did, getting money, distancing myself using the subway weren’t conscious decisions. They were done by a zombie on the run. It was instinctual, not intellectual. Even so, they’ve never felt like something I did. Understanding I was in shock is helping me see that I wouldn’t have felt attached to my actions.

How or why my mother took my return on face value I will never know. So little effort was made to find out what I did those 5 nights I was missing. I was in no condition to freely divulge what happened. In the extremely short talk when I came home, they labeled it “running away”.
Called to the office when I returned to school I was punished for a weeks worth of “Unexplained Absence”. That phrase resonated with me. I could have told the guy what happened. But I didn’t understand it at the time.

I didn’t snap out of it for over a week. From a payphone in an alley I called Richard, the kidnapper. After he said some creepy shit (Jeff, the rapist/client was disappointed I wasn't there to go back for another date) I freaked out and yelled louder & longer than a human should. I smashed the receiver over and over trying to break.

I wasn’t in shock anymore. I was just pissed.

Understanding that i was in shock is helping me come to terms with the fact I didn't say anything. Here and now, reaching out and sharing my story is helping me nurture myself. Accurately naming the details, a kidnapping, molesting, life threatening rape and another rape is validating my life.

How I wish someone would have clued in and saw I was in shock. I wish they could have seen the symptoms and helped me. But I am doing it now. It's as if I am back then, doing it for me. Weird and beautiful thing.

 

[Barkabus]

Wow Bri,

Incredible insight.

Understanding that i was in shock is helping me come to terms with the fact I didn't say anything. Here and now, reaching out and sharing my story is helping me nurture myself.

You some it up well in this paragraph. I'm willing to believe, if you had been straight up asked if you were kidnapped at that time you would have said "no". Not as a lie but because your mind at that time wasn't able to adequately assign rational definition of the horrific events that prevailed upon you. This doesn't parallel your experience but years later in my mid twenties I was asked by a trusted authority figure in my life if I had been sexually abused I told him "no" and believed I was telling the truth.

Accurately naming the details, a kidnapping, molesting, life threatening rape and another rape is validating my life.

I agree. How long did it take you to come to this acceptance?

You're growing and healing Bri. It is great to see you are in healing. Thank you for sharing your story with us! May you gain further validation as you continue to work through the evil acts that happened to you.

Thanks for sharing this with us.
Take care.
Mike

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[Esterio]

hi Bri

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I find it to be a good journey you are on now.
You are really getting down to the real feelings of what went on and how you survived. I am shocked that your Mom did not question you has to where you where.

My parents wanted to know what I did for the 3 days and nights that I was not seen by anyone. I just told them I was at the park. I think they believed me. I really didn't care if they did. They threw me out with the trash I didn't need to explain at least that is how I saw it then.

When a person goes into shock I think peoples in stinks that over and some how you know what you need to do and do it. I am so glad you escaped. (((Bri)))

Esterio

 

[i-m-Bri]

Mike,
You are absolutely right, I didn’t have the words or even consciousness to accurately tell what happened. On top of that I was holding myself responsible, so though I knew the rape was bad, I wouldn’t tell anyone because I went with the guy.

I couldn’t say the word Kidnap even a few months ago!

LoneWolfX,
I fluctuate on the credit. But what I do is hold it as my benchmark for resilience; this is what I am capable of.

I’m done making excuse for my parents. Big fucking deal Dad was depressed. Look at your kid, he can’t function. My older brother by 2 years became extremely nasty, hostile and rebellious when he hit puberty. I believe they were afraid of him. Hell I was. I believe they were so hands off of me thinking I was the same problem. Or they just gave up.

You’re right, I did (or am!) pulling out of the shock. I am fortunate that it isn’t a life sentence.

Esterio,
I am sorry they threw you out. How hard would have been to just be decent?
Mine weren’t mean, but we were so far apart, even had they attempted to get close to me I would have resisted. That was set up way earlier.

I was hit with cold hard fact today. I had contacted my high school hoping to get any records they may have left. It was a huge long shot, I was there from ‘73-77. I was looking for attendance and disciplinary records. With those I could pinpoint dates from suspensions. They didn’t have them, but they forwarded me my grades.

In the 4 years there were 33 classes. I failed 18 of them, got 5 Ds, 5 Cs, 1 B and 4 As.
Contrast that to 7th and 8 Grade: there were 18 classes. I got 1 D, 6 Cs, 6 Bs and 5 As.
I didn’t need proof that I changed. But seeing is harsh.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Bri

I wonder what my records would look like. I only made it to the 9th grade. When my Mom went into care after about a year someone came up to me and asked if I know so and so she is looking for you she comes on Sundays to visit her sister who was a resident also. They told me her name and it didn't hear any bells ringing in my head. So I was getting a complex trying to find out who this could be. On the next Sunday A lady in her 90's comes up to me and asks if I am me, I told her yes I was he. She told me that she had wondered where I had been and that she was my grade 2 teacher and that I was one of her more memorable students.

I thought oh no here we go and she started by say I was a very good student in her class and that she was late to school on sports day and I guess I organized the class and got them all out there on time and staying in their group. She said the thought that came to her mind was I would be a leader not a follower like most of her students. She told me I was a good student and seemed to care for others.

What a difference 4 years made. The teacher described me as unmanageable and of the Devil in the 6th grade. I was d's, c-'s, fail or in complete.

Then at 15 I went back to school to study for a month and then do the exams so I could get into High School. I studied the books for to week went and saw the principal and asked if I could just right the exams. He said ok but that I would only get one try only.

I wrote all the tests and came back to school after the weekend and the principal wanted to see me. I had not only passed but I had mostly A's and B's and 1 c+. He sent my grades over to the High School. I went there every day that week and hung around waiting for the principal on the Friday afternoon he said oh yes you are still here, I need to go to a meeting and will be back in 30 minutes and then he would see me.

I had pretty much given up by this time I already had the drugs and the stuff needed to use them. This was where I became an intravenous drug addict. I waited for around 1.5 hours and then left walked across the street to the gas station and had a fix. I left town the next day and no one heard in my family heard or saw me for a long time.

I went home to my Parents place for X-mas at 16. I had only spoke to my Mom a few days before. She saw me in town and picked me up and wanted to talk. We talked and she invited me for X-mas. I got there on x-mas eve fell asleep and woke up the day after boxing day. I had slept for way more than 48 hours straight. I was a mess and got into it with my Dad and left. It was a long time before they saw me again.

Think why I have told you this is I have change many times depending on what was going on at the time events. I think maybe every event changed me some or a lot.

I hope I didn't high jacked your thread Bri

Esterio

 

[i-m-Bri]

Esterio,

Please don't ever worry about "hijacking" a thread I started. I find them the most valuable when they spread out and include others. Especially yours, I can really relate to you.

I am so sorry you fell through the cracks. You deserved better then the principle not attending to you. You deserved better then a family that threw you away. It's so sad that the people who should have taught you about self respect did just the opposite.

 

[Tom E.]

BDD I'm glad you are here with the rest of us, sharing your pain & horrible memories. We CAN get better!

 

[traveler]

(((((Bri))))) –

I know I am weighing in here sort of late and that you have already received some very good responses. But I wanted to validate your experience by sharing mine. Though the circumstances were different, our ages and reactions were similar.

TRIGGERS!
Like you, I was subjected to abuse at about 15. This was the last incident for me. I was being fitted for a pair of trousers in a tailor shop and the man “taking my measurements” began to fondle me while taking my inseam. He had told me to remove my own trousers and I was standing there in the fitting room in just my underwear with his hands all over me and my stuff in his grip. I remember thinking, “Oh no – not again!” and then wondering why I thought that because I did not remember the earlier events at the time. At that point, I froze and guess I blacked out or dissociated because the next thing I remember clearly is wandering the streets of the city. I don't know exactly what else happened. I had apparently tried on the trousers and bought them and exited the store – all without conscious decisions. (Later I had vague memories of almost ghostly images of those parts of the event – but I am still not sure that they are true memories of merely what my mind has filled in as the logical intermediate steps.) I found myself down by the river, got back to my bus stop, and made my way home. I was always a quiet, introverted kid and nobody noticed anything different about me. I wandered around in a fog for the next few days – even more than usual.

I now know that there were two things going on. One was shock. The other was dissociation. Often the two go hand in hand, but not always. When you are in shock, emotions can be flattened or suppressed. Obviously, the body and part of the brain continue to function, but often without awareness of the events in conscious memory - what you accurately described as “autopilot.”

I do not believe what is often said by “you can’t turn back time.” Although it is impossible to go back and undo what has already been done, I do believe that it is possible to go back in memory and experience at least partial healing of traumatic events by applying greater understanding and compassion from yourself and support from others. I think that is what you are engaged in now. Keep on giving your 15-year-old self the love and acceptance he needs – and we will be right beside you.

Lee

 

[i-m-Bri]

Tom E.,
I believe so thoroughly that we can and do get better!
Keep pushing.

Lee,
Thank you, it's never to late to say something.

I wandered around in a fog for the next few days – even more than usual.

Me too.

I've been deeply ashamed of myself in High School, I was not in control and doing things I didn't want to do. I went from an enthusiast (hell even compulsive) student in Junior high to a no show.

I am starting to see what I've always thought of as failings on my part as the power of trauma.

I wish I could have exposed my inner thoughts and feelings to someone back then.
But I couldn't, they were a sewer of self hate of my own making (because I held myself responsible)
I was locked in a catch 22.
Compassion is the key that is breaking the cycle.
I can see so much clearer today.