She's always been a bigish girl

[babs]

Lloydy,

I want you to know that I resemble this remark

She's always been a bigish girl, and she took to comfort eating- not a good thing, which sent her into a downward spiral.

Are you sure that Getteddie didn't send you a picture of me? By the time I finished reading your last post the tears were trickling down my cheeks. The description of your situation as a couple has so many similarities with ours.

I was never a small girl. At age 13 I was 5'9'' tall. An giant 'amazon woman' in 1964. I was told by everyone that I was fat (now realize I just had a little 'pot belly'. When we married in August 1979 I weighed about 200 lbs. Now blimped up to about 275 lbs.

I never thought about Eddie being unfaithful, but I think being the target of his anger just wore my limited self-esteem down to virtually nothing. During the last 2 years as the SA history has finally surfaced new affronts to my self-esteem have arisen. But the same experiences have also bolstered my self-esteem.

My own upbringing, his acting out and my physical state have shattered any sense that I could stimulate any sexual desire. Living with the 'same sex' fantasies that can overwhelm an SA victim is particularily destructive.

In constrast these past 2 years had proven to me that Eddie IS "Damm Lucky that I am his wife". A lesser woman who have been LONG GONE by now. Such events made me realize how very much I LOVE this sweet FOOL.

Babs

 

[Lloydy]

Babs
Spooky eh ?
My wife was teased at school, the usual shit kids give each other, and although it's different the effects are long lasting and deep, just like ours.
But she always was, and still is an exceptionally pretty girl ( even if she is older than me I still call her that )

So between us we were descending into our downward spirals at a hell of a rate, completely independant because neither of us would say what was on our minds. We both thought we were the cause of each others problems, but didn't know what to do or how to repair the damage.
And it's so bitterly sad that it took us over 30 years to start talking properly to each other, what my abusers did to me at the time I don't give a flying fuck about anymore !! what they left me with really grieves me.
the other incredible thing is that we stuck it out for so long, but we had just become lazy and ignorant of each other. We couldn't even be bothered to argue- let alone get a lawyer and divorce. Or am I being to harsh there ? did we still recognize the glimmer of love that we had at the start ? Mmmmmm....

The way we have learned to talk to each other in the last 3 /4 years is so good I can barely describe it, nothing is left untouched.
But we still have stuff to sort out, I have just about become asexual in the effort to stop acting out, and taming my fantasies. Which is bad news for both of us, but it's going to be my next step, regaining our sex life - this time on MY terms- not my abusers.

It's a good job there's girls out there who still love old fools like us Babs, where would we be otherwise ?
Lloydy

 

[babs]

Lloydy et al,

I been doing some reading in several books about sexual healing. My favorite is The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines. The only negative aspect is that it assumes the survivor is female.

It has one chapter (#16) on Intimacy and Self-foregiveness there are some insightful comments about Self-Trust, Compassion for Yourself and Reclaiming Pleasure. It really made me think about the survivor needing " to give themselves permission to experience pleasure, intimacy, sexual expression, and satisfaction." I personally plan to keep reading and trying some exercises on connecting with my partner, Eddie.

"Now is the time to channel the creativity (used to stay alive) in to learning to live well,

Babs

 

[Lloydy]

It really made me think about the survivor needing " to give themselves permission to experience pleasure, intimacy, sexual expression, and satisfaction."

Bab's
That sounds just like something I need- PERMISSION
Damnit, that's so right. I still can't get past that, giving myself permission to ENJOY IT !!
I still carry the baggage of being "trained" to ask my abusers for sex - and suggest different things to do.
And I still feel that making the first move with my wife is something too close to that aspect, it still feels like I'm asking for abuse. And if it does turn into an unfulfilled experience-which it has been known to that reinforces the feeling.
I suppose a lot of this comes from the gradual decline of our sex life, mainly due to me trying too hard - through my confusion, coming to rely on the fantasy I had constructed of my abuse, and the eventual failure of my efforts. Back to stronger fantasy, an ever decreasing circle.
My wife does try to kickstart me, but she's wary of "becoming the abuser" as well.
But I hope it's something we can overcome, and if my, our, experiences so far have shown it's just about impossible on our own. All we do on our own is think around in our own box, and we need to think out of the box.

I'm going to order that book and channel my creativity, thanks for that.
Lloydy