She'll leave me soon

She'll leave me soon
J

josephd

Registrant
I'm working on myself now, trying to get through this all. I reached the bottom and my grave awaited... but I was saved. So now I build, now I build with all my might... with my entire soul and spirt, I build on the life I have left.

She won't wait for me, I know that. She has too much on her head, there's too much I can't give right now. It's ironic that the only thing that inspired me to want to get better was her, yet the time it takes to do that will probably be the reason I lose her.

I'm not sad, I understand. I understand that the only thing I can truly control right now is to work on myself and get better. I understand that no matter what I do or say, it means nothing if I'm not better. I understand that I don't mean much to anyone, until I get better. No one cares about the reasons why, they just know that I'm fucked up. I've met assholes before too... I didn't care why they were that way, I just knew they were assholes.

I need to stay focused, I'm no good falling again... it'll only be worse. If I stay focused and suffer through this for a while, getting the help I need... I can survive, and I can be worth something... to myself and others.

She'll leave me soon, but I don't want to beg her to stay. To believe in me, that I need this help and this time to focus on it. That if we suffer together now through this, we'll be so much stronger together in the end. I don't want to beg her for that, she has the right to say it's too much... she has the right to say I didn't ask for this... she has the right to say I can't handle this... she's been hurt, she's human... people can only give so much.
 
That if we suffer together now through this, we'll be so much stronger together in the end.
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Because you aren't suffering with her, she is alone by herself struggling and has no control over when or if it will end.
 
I think you are right to focus on getting well, or coming to a place of comfort for yourself - however you would like to say it. You cannot make anyone do anything.

You might be surprised, however, that 'she' may have the patience still. You can't wait to see, though, and you cannot turn around to see if she is there. You must continue.

If she follows, you will have gained so much together. If she does not follow, it is sad, but you will still have gained so much.

Peace,
James
 
i dont know how to speed it all up, but i know you can grow closer and stronger through this, but always beware. there is a price for all things, including healing and understanding. there is nothing worse than waking to find you arent who you thought you were, and face the unsurity of mixing the past and future. what doesnt destroy us makes us stronger, or so they say. peace to you two.
 
Jo
It's a hard place to be, here we are moving forwards, learning so much about ourselves and the reasons why we are the person we've become.

The only way to heal is to change ourselves, and I believe we become the person we were always meant to be. Some might say we become stronger and better people because of the work we do, and I'm one of those that believe that.

I was lucky that my wife moved along with me, we learned together by both of us becoming involved in my recovery. It's a selfish thing in a way I know, but she did it out of choice. And now I'm trying my hardest to make up for the neglect and pressure she surely felt.

My wife fell in love with me when we were still teenagers, we got married on my 21st birthday. So at the time I was relitivly unaffected by my abuse. I certainly didn't have any problems that showed, or worried me, back then. With hindsight I can see the start of them though.
But what I'm saying is; that was the young man she loved. The changes in me came later, and nearly destroyed our marriage.
My recovery has taken me back to that young man in a way, or at least made the connection again.

Maybe your wife will see the same changes, maybe you have to point them out a bit ? I don't know.

Whatever happens your recovery is the most important thing to you.

Dave
 
Jo Your Healing is the most imporant thing right now.
She'll leave me soon, but I don't want to beg her to stay.
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Maybe don't beg her to stay but beg her to understand. As long as you are making a strong effort to change she should see that the old fucked up asshole is no longer living with her.
Continue your healing and show her that you are a good man wroth being with. Muldoon
 
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Quote:

"I understand that I don't mean much to anyone, until I get better."

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Not true. Just the fact that you are working on it is of value. Being part of that process is of value.

Peace,
Freedom.
 
This thread hits my heart in a personal way bc I have lost a wife bc of my f*cked-up-ness. It took months of therapy for me to understand that the burden did not rest 100% on me. I have forgiven myself for my own failings and have gained an understanding of the scope of my ex's hurts.

I want to offer my 2-cents and I understand that you need to follow your path on your own.

I believe you have a right to share w her what your feelings are:
+ such as if you still Love her
+ such as if you want her to stay
+ such as if you want her to go
+ such as if you want some space, but to re-assess later.
+ such as if you want to appologize.

Hearing an appology and that you Love her may indeed Not change the outcome. But loving yourself enough to risk expressing your ture-heart-feelings to her can in some ways be considered another step in healing.

No matter what the outcome, You are respected here and accepted here. I don't even know you, but I am genuinely proud of your focus and resolve to get well. Please, get consistent help on the substance abuse issues bc that sh*t will get in the way of so much that you have accomplished already.

sonlite
 
Joseph,

I notice you don't state that she said she's leaving. I was at the point last summer that I thought for sure my wife was going to leave. That was the fear that was great enough for me to finally disclose to her about my SA history.

It's been rough, real rough sometimes, since then. Sometimes she just listens & listens when I need to talk. Other times she doesn't want to hear it.

One thing that she said recently is sticking in my mind. She said she wanted me "functional again," then corrected herself and said she wants "the new, improved" me.

Your wife was probably not very happy with last weekend, but if she hasn't told you (or given some other sign) she's leaving, she may still be hoping to live with the "new, improved" you.

Ask what she feels. Your recovery will affect her, too, in many ways, and she just might need to vent some of her own frustration and worry. It may not be comfortable for you to hear, but it might be healthy for your relationship.

And keep working on yourself. For yourself.

Joe
 
Joseph:

I agree with the others. I was terrified my wife wouled leave me if she ever found out. Especially for the coping stuff I was into. And that my daughter would leave and have nothing to do with me anymore.

Every time she was angry or sad or quiet it was my fault. I drove her nuts with my fear and guilt. When I finally could not handle it anymore I had a crises and the the whole sordid mess came out.

They were angry alright. Because I had kept it from them. They are with us because they saw something in us that we never have seen or valued. They are stronger than we give them credit for. You might be really surprised at what comes out. It is ok to say thay you cannot deal with this by yourself and really appreciate her help and that her love will help you through this.
 
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