To my brothers and sisters,
I plan on reposting this on family and friends (just this part!), but I wanted to let you know where my mind was at.
Yesterday was extremely painful for me. As much as I prepared myself (and came to believe) that "Nao" was a fake, it still hit me like a ton of bricks, because, for better or for worse, I want to believe everyone here is legitimate, despite the need for real caution. I told this person things I wouldn't normally, and to find out it was all a lie and a deception, well. it was an emotional rape.
As a rape, it triggered me, big time. I heard the voices of the "ghosts" telling me the usual crapola. That I was a fool, that I was meant to be hurt, that all I was good for was to be hurt, yada yada yada. I was crying in public, I was having flashbacks, it trult WAS like I was raped. I even contemplated killing myself because it hurt so damn much and I believed the "ghosts." I was at the end all over again.
Then, I heard JayM's "voice."
Anyone here for a while knows about JayM. he was a confused 20-something year old that i took under my wing and tried to help. He didn't see any hope for himself and committed suicide, something I still feel. I still feel like I failed him, and even though I never "met" him face-to-face, he was a real person to me. He sent me his picture once and I "know" what his voice told me.
I expected the worst of all from him. I expected to hear how I failed him and that I was worthless. He didn't say that.
He said that he regretted what he did to me. He was ill, but now that he's on "the other side," he understands that even though he's been pardoned for the errors he made, he saw the pain he caused other people, his sister, the borthers and sisters here, and me. He told me I gave him hope to hang on a LOT longer than he normally would have. That he killed himself was a mistake on his part, not a failing on my part.
Such relief, I couldn't tell you.
Then I thought about the "real" brothers I have here. Dan from NE, MikeNY, James, David, Dave, Leo, Andrei, Mike, Ken, Mark, Marc, Phos, Taz, Brett, so Goddamn many that I can't mention them all (and I'm sorry if I forgot you!). I thought of the sisters too, like, Lynn, Sammy, Caro, also too Goddamn many to list (ditto to the above!). So many good people, and to have it all ruined by one (now two!) selfish @$$holes, well, that won't do.
So, after taking a day off, I'm back. I'm not going to let this cowardly, deceptive, abusive BITCH win. No fucking way! (sorry for the cursing, altho you, Sammy, would be proud!
).
You know, apart from the emotional rape, there's one other thing that bothers me about "Heather." I consider myself a writer, I'm a journalist, I follow the way of the Samurai (something she should understand if she's going to claim Japanese heritage!). All these things have values, principles, and ethics I hold in very high record. For her to "claim" all of these labels, and just SHIT over them hurt me very much.
If you're going to say that you're ANY of these things, have the morals to follow the guidelines!
I thoroughly intend to make one last post on the "Nao Exposed" thread, summing up my feelings towards this hideous rapist (and that, my dear, if you have the guts to read this, is what you are!) and recommitting myself to ruining that bitch if she EVER does anything like this again. Then, I will forget about her. She is dead to me.
But you guys aren't.
Thank you for reminding me why we're here. Thank you for reminding me one or two aren't the whole thing.
Thank you.
Peace and love,
Scot
