She never loved me...

[bey]

My mother / son abuse started as fondling as a very young child / infant. At the time of her death before I turned 17, we were in an incestuous relationship, she had plans for us to run away together and live as a couple, I fully believed I was in love with her. At 16 I didn't really know what was going on with how we felt about each other, but things were safer with her than with my father, who was extremely physically abusive and had been sexually abusing me too, until I was 14 yrs old. I clung to the relationship between us, she was my whole life, really.

Since she died everything I knew about my childhood could be summed up in one sentence - it was bad, but I know she loved me.

20 years after her death I've begun really questioning that - did she love me? I think for an outside person it's easy to say no, she didn't. I haven't been able to truly believe that yet, because it felt like love. It felt safe and better than anything else in my life. But I do have to ask myself, if it was love, why did it break me so badly? If she loved me, why didn't she consider how her actions would affect me now as a grown man? If she loved me, why wasn't she just a normal loving mom? She said her way was better, but I am not better because of it. I'm just fucked.

Even now writing that there is a part of me that yells out "no no no no, of course she loves me, shut up. People just don't get it". I need so badly to believe it.

It hurts to realize that everything about our relationship was bad, not just the "sex". Everything was screwed up and I know I need to believe that none of it was love to move on. I want to let her go, but I don't know how to be ok with admitting to myself that everything I was taught about who I was, who we were, was a lie.

I don't know why it hurts so much to admit to myself that she never loved me...

 

[don64]

Hi Bey,

I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain right now. I just began to remember the early sexual abuse from my mother last spring, and began to remember the sexual abuse from my father 11 years ago.

It has been helpful to me to move away from good and bad and right and wrong, and look at my situation as just a group of people who were all individually products of their own unique experiences and lived their lives as their own experiences had twisted them. It makes so much better sense for me. Both my parents were badly damaged in their families of origin. And, they badly damaged me. I have done a lot of rage work, beginning at age 20--I'm now 64.

So, for me, and I decided to completely divorce my family of origin 11 years ago, though leaving them was the healthiest decision for me, I no longer hold animosity for them and do send them love, understanding, and compassion from my heart. Did their actions do substantial damage to me? You bet.

The important question for me is not about their love, for it was twisted, destructive and limited. For me, the question is what is healthy love for me, and how can I learn to provide it for myself.

Sending you love and support.

Don

 

[focusedbody]

Bey:

This question about love is a good one. But it has also been a long time in coming up with an answer for me.

As Don says, parents can act out their own issues from their family on their children. I think my mother loved me, and still does, but there are still things that she might do with me that can confuse the issue.

Lately I've been reminding myself that even the arousal that I felt when she would grab me and hold on was real. But it is also important for me to talk myself through the realization that that wasn't love. It wasn't communicated to me that way. Slowly I'm beginning to understand I cannot accept it as that.

Talking through the pain is hard, but it does help avoid the all or nothing kind of solution. I hope you can stay present to all of what you are feeling as you reflect on what you need to know.

FB

 

[newground]

Shaken, silence! You must be still; others more important need their rest
Muffled cry becomes a moan, stifled sobs, maintain yourself, contain yourself
Embraced, secure, she loves me.
A gentle kiss, caress, embrace Safety warmth, she loves me
Her weapons kiss, the strap a switch Leather tearing, flesh, insanity!
All because she loves me
You should know this, I dont know this!
Stupid, angry boy. Violent, villain, pain and RAGE
Then this pain corrects, her word is LAW
Shell drive out the beast whatever it takes
She loves me?
After a time, friends of a kind sharing secrets too deep
Just a boy in a mans world still laying down law
Dont grow up like him son, Treat your woman well Hun.
Though shes no good for you anyway you are mine
She loves me Doesnt she?
3-23-2013
I wrote this a while back to voice this confusion. I still dont understand. I believe she loved me... probably too much, but for me there is just so much crazy

 

[Tiger1982]

Hello, Bey,

I came from a mother-son incest. To be honest, last days I thought a lot about whether my mother loved me or not.

"But I do have to ask myself, if it was love, why did it break me so badly? If she loved me, why didn't she consider how her actions would affect me now as a grown man? If she loved me, why wasn't she just a normal loving mom?"

Yeah, I couldn't express my feelings better... I feel the same... I struggle with the consequences of my mothers unhealthy affection towards me each and every day... I don't know if she loved me.

"The important question for me is not about their love, for it was twisted, destructive and limited. For me, the question is what is healthy love for me, and how can I learn to provide it for myself."

Yeah, Don64, I feel exactly the same. My mothers' "love" was very destructive, it damaged my profoundly. But I don't want to waste any more time thinking whether she loved me or not. I want to rebuild myself, learn, how to care for myself in a healthy way, how to have healthy boundaries with other people. How to live in healthy relationships, how to have a satisfying intimate relationship.. I want to look at world in a more positive way. It doesn't have to be so scary

Thank you very much for this topic, brothers, it has given me many new insights.

Andy

 

[bey]

Thanks guys,

I guess when it comes down to it, she did love me in a way, but her love was damaging and broken. She loved me as a part of herself, but not as my own person. I don't think she could have done better, for whatever reason. I still miss her a lot of the time, but I am really glad she's gone. I deserve better than what she gave me.

Now the challenge is to learn to be ok with real love. Love that is safe and secure but feels terrifying and makes me angry. I know I am loved now, but I don't usually feel it.

Benny

 

[TKC]

Hi Bey,

Something I read about that has stuck with me is how we define love and while some say you can't define it, to me, this explanation was quite simple. Love is about caring for someone's well-being.

Interestingly, hatred is not the opposite of love, in fact, neglect is the opposite.

In the big-picture by definition I feel she wasn't fully caring for your emotional well-being. Her role as a mother was to nurture, raise you and prepare you for life as an independent young male adult. Her role was not to initialize in an incestuous and to that effect, sexual relationship with you- which it seems has left you with a dependence to question the validity of your mothers love.

My bet is that she didn't understand how destructive her concept of love for you was either due to exposure to trauma in her own life, mental illness or other traumatic/unknown origins.

While she probably believes that she never stopped loving you as her son, she did neglect your right to safety, happiness and a healthy mother/son relationship.

with regards

TKC

 

[Jacob S]

Shaken, silence! You must be still; others more important need their rest
Muffled cry becomes a moan, stifled sobs, maintain yourself, contain yourself
Embraced, secure, she loves me.
A gentle kiss, caress, embrace Safety warmth, she loves me
Her weapons kiss, the strap a switch Leather tearing, flesh, insanity!
All because she loves me
You should know this, I dont know this!
Stupid, angry boy. Violent, villain, pain and RAGE
Then this pain corrects, her word is LAW
Shell drive out the beast whatever it takes
She loves me?
After a time, friends of a kind sharing secrets too deep
Just a boy in a mans world still laying down law
Dont grow up like him son, Treat your woman well Hun.
Though shes no good for you anyway you are mine
She loves me Doesnt she?
3-23-2013
I wrote this a while back to voice this confusion. I still dont understand. I believe she loved me... probably too much, but for me there is just so much crazy

That is powerful and resonates deep with me. Thank you for putting it up.