She Hurts Me (Trigger Warning)

She Hurts Me (Trigger Warning)
A

alexey

Registrant
Today I contacted a girl via email. I have known her for more than a year, and I stopped writing to her several months ago. She emotionally influenced me. I got angry at her and felt so very low.

I don't know how to describe what she did in positive terms. Several months ago, all I got was anger, self-hatred, and pain. We had exchanged emails, and I'd seen her a few times, but after a while I found that she controled me. It was a feeling like the inability to get rid of this control. At the same time, I couldn't talk to her in a peaceful manner, and I did not forced her to stop playing with me. Then I saw the "light" and ceased the email exchange.

Now I contacted her again, and I found myself in the self-destructive mode. It is a lot of fear that I have felt. I am afraid of her. I start to see how I look into the monitor and try to feel powerful while writing to her. Why do I do that?

Who is she? (She is a student a year younger than me.) I have not been able to just stop replying to her, and finally I have come to a great fear, and tears. Is she making me feel powerless?

She wants help, actually. I helped her in the past. However, it turned into a sort of manipulation, which I could not resist.

Maybe I just have to say, "She is not the kind of person I would like to be friend with. I have to break this bridge. I should not let her even talk to me."

Honestly, she is almost a monster in my mind.
 
Alexey, sometimes we are drawn to people who we think can help us. It sounds like you both need professional help and could be destructive to each other. Also, it could be that you are trasferring some of your feelings on to her. The things that she does which make you mad, are they the same things that you do not like in yourself? When I first started to recover, I was still reaching out to try helping other people. I realized that sometimes, especially if you are in early recovery, that you need to help yourself before you can help others. You need to be selfish and worry about your own safety first. Don't rely on this girl as a replacement for a professional therapist. I wish you good luck in your healing.
 
lacansletter, it is true that I do not like the things she does, which I do not like done by myself. The help she is awaiting from me is not related to therapy. I have in my mind that she mostly asks me to advice her, or lend her something. I can offer her this help, and I have done, but after TENS of emails on the same topic I was angry. A normal person does not act as she has done. I kept going and going, but then I felt hurt, and I started to blame her.

She was not polite. She took what she wanted. I couldn't say this to her, thought. Only twice I have said she was not regarding my needs. I felt like a child who found himself in the wrong place.

Thanks for the note about selfishness. I have been scarcely able to protect myself and be selfish. She said yesterday that I was hiding something from her. She judged me for the attempt to be selfish.

It's my choice to help myself, you're right. Thanks!
 
Thank you for reading.

I would like to ask you a question.

What I've got is an unsatisfying relationship with her. She does not spend time with me, and I can not feel really close to her because I was never honest about my feelings.

We werestudents and she asked me for advice on the issue of study. As I have said before, I could not handle this relationship anymore as I felt as if I was under attack.

While she was my friend in this sense, she have gone through a sexual assault. I was sorry and said it to her. It was support. Our relationship continued, but soon I became self-destructive.

Once I have openly said to her she was taking what she wanted. You know what I felt behind this saying? Pain, hurt, distrust, and regret that I befriended her.

I felt being on the edge of feeling comfortable with hanging with the person and falling into despair. This border is SO tiny.

Maybe I can tell her about what happened to me? Maybe I'll feel better afterwards? It can be. I feel safe with her, even if it is an Internet communication that we have. Probably the person will understand and won't make me feel so bad in the future. I hope. I do. She might keep in mind that I am a survivor, and there should be another kind of mutual understanding.

I feel I'm not going to loose much if she will refuse to understand.

Please give me any suggestions. I need them, and just your words.
 
I feel better.

She abused me somehow.

Also, there is a difficulty of struggling against abusers. Some people may be helpful and others only seem to be. They attract somehow.

Thanks for reply.

Alexey
 
alexey,

Please be careful. It is so easy to be subconciously drawn to abusive people when early into recovery. Might seem strange, but sometimes, the abusive types are more familiar to us than those who really do care. Just please be careful - you are not a doormat for anybody!
 
Alexy,

I hope things are going better. The comment from Darkheart realy rings a bell for me. For a while, I was attracted to certain types of girls that were not good for me. Not actually abusive, but because I felt like I did not deserve better. Low self esteem is a common trait in Survivors and I am always alert to my low self esteem making decisions for me without my "new" Survivor mind watching. I don't know if that makes sense. Sometimes it feels like there are 2 Jacks. One is the little boy with a victim's mentality, who accepts all the sh*t in the world becuase he does not think it will ever get better. The other is the adult Survivor with a more healthy mentality, ready and willing to demand respect and equality.

On the second subject, it sounds like she is taking a lot from you and you sound like an emotionally generous person. It does not sound like you are getting anything in return. I want to go back to my earlier comment about being selfish. Sometimes people think any kind of selfishness is bad but I like to think that there are some times, especially in recovery from SA, that it is ok and even best to take care of yourself first.

a short story: my wife and I were dating a long time before we married. We fought like mad sometimes, and then just as passionately, we made up and things were ok. Looking back, I remember that almost all of the arguments were surrounding my need for independance, feeling like I was in control, and feeling like I was not being taken for granted. Well, she was arguing for the same thing, and it took several years and many, many arguments to finally find a balance.

2 points I hope you can take from this story.

#1- if we did not both struggle to keep our independence, the "loser" would not get the same respect today as the "winner". We fought until it was an even tie. Because of this, we both feel independent and respect the other's independence.

#2- We both had to work at this together. We both had to be willing to fight, be angry, but in the end, put as much emotional energy as it took to resolve the disagreement.

It does not sound like your friend is giving her 50%. i know the reasons for staying in a relationship are complex and not easily expalained in a message board. But I hope that you re-think why you are willing to give your time, energy, understanding without expecting the same from her.

Good luck.

Jack
 
lacansletter, thanks for your words about selfishness in the early recovery. Also, I can identify with your two persons, but frequently I can do this only in my mind and apart from reality where I suffer.

I've read the short story and have to say the following. The outcome in your relationship seems to be positive and 'constructive' for both of you. I am really glad you found your way!

However, I believe kids would react negatively to the fights! My dad used to break my mom's teeth... He used to beat her up, humiliate, and violate her rights. Now I hate (don't like) him. That is why I am confused.

On that girl, I indeed have not expected anything good from her. I just wanted to help her, and I suffered. I think the issue is my perceptions and my soul, and I should not allow anyone with unclear intentions to get close to me. Thanks.

Some people use other's weakness, and I see the question is how not to borrow this kind of behaviour.

Alexey
 
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