She did her total abuse well.

Hi everyone. Just what has become of this post? Are there just a few of us whom have been abused, sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally abused? Either by our "mothers" of other females?

Here is the latest on my situation.
As if any of you whom have read my various posts know that I'm leaving my wife. Why? Because I have no emotions toward her, none-zero anymore. Did I ever? I surely didn't. Did I really know what love was? No. Did I ever learn to have proper emotions to girls/females? No. Who was to teach me those vital skills in my youth? My "mother" was my first sexual abuser (but that really didn't come to my concious mind until I was 69 yrs old). However the emotional, physical and mental surely started at my birth.
As stated on my post little Pete's 69 yr journry. Almost all of my sexual, emotional, physical and mental training was provided to me by my main (male) abuser. After all (in my young abused mind) he was the father/family that I never had. He had took me under his wing, HE was the only one whom had shown me any "love" compassion because my "mother" was abusing me.
So yesterday I had another session with my T and the subject (brought up by me) was I have absolutly no emotional feelings or attachment towards my wife. He already knew of me leaving her. It went back to a session that all three of us had. I was an emotional disaster to her for 35 years. No emotions period. Well just why did you marry Peter, well because he had taken an interest in my son (she didn't have much, nor did his stepfather) and maybe because he had knocked me up, plus he took the responsibility of raising him. But you must have had some feelings that Peter was deficient in the emotional skills department. What he had as far as emotions (none) was concerned was all that he posessed. But since the 1st of August, he has been even worse toward me, his mood swings are terrable, I am at the brunt of his emotions and anger, we cannot keep living like this together. What's wrong with him? Why didn't he tell me this before we got married? Why now? Why can't he just forget it?
Well Little Pete and I have have come to the reality that I should never have gotten married, as we were too emotionally immature, too emotionally sexualy immature, still wet behind the ears immature young boy in a mans skin. But we did the best that we knew how. It wasn't good enough for her for those 35 yrs.
It has come from the very depths of my soul, that little Pete and I always had tons of emotions toward males. With the exception of my "mother" all of my sexual pleasure and emotions have come from males. I now know just who I am as before the 1st of August, I didn't know me, until now.
I never had any emotional feelings toward girls/females Inever had anything to do with them into my '20's period. Did I really have any when I got married? Surely not. She surely had killed her unwanted little boy, emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually. killed the very reason for his being. So now a new begining for me.
A new life, in the USA.
A new CSA only T.
A new begining.
A new life for Lil' Pete & Big Pete.
A new and important small step on our road to recovery.
Heal well my brothers/friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)



My first wife and I sat in the therapist's office for the first time and she sat there and told the therapist that I was an automaton, a robot, a machine, devoid of emotion.

As you refer to little, Pete, I would say that same part of me smiled a huge smile. It worked. Continued to work. I had done it. At the same time, it was devastating to me to hear. The therapist turned to me and asked me if it was true. Was I devoid of all emotion?

I wanted to say, yes. To defend, to protect but, then, thought, why am I here?

"No," I said.

I hear what you are saying, Pete. I do. Our experiences, coupled with society's need to identify males as warriors, reward their ability to minimize and deny emotional expression in favor of a perceieved strength that is defined as how much we can endure and, I won. I was sucessful, I did it, Fuck you.

Now though, the game is changed. I am supposed to be engaged, the rules are altered and the stakes are high. Higher than they have ever been. To "feel" and, not be in conflict with being male.

Males were easy, comfortable, I was attracted to and attractive to other males that shared the philosophy, the dream. Friends were guys I could be with and not challenge me emotionally, only physically or financially. Success was easily measured by bank accounts and gated neighborhoods. No explanations needed, no engagement necessary.

Where do they get off changing the rules, Pete? At this stage in our lives? But then, sounds like you have embraced little Pete. Sounds like you like the association and connection. I do, too. I got him a teddy bear, Dylan and, I remembered.

Good luck, Pete and little Pete...on your new beginning.



My good friend.
My mother too tried her best to kill the spirit of who I was.
She did her damaged to me as a child.
But like you I survived as best I could.Until the time came for me to come out of the protective cocoon that little mike had constructed until the spring of life had arrived. And he was able to become the beautiful butterfly that we were meant to be.

Peter spread those wings and fly the journey of life that you were meant for.


Morning Star

I do relate to the fact of being emotionally numb, like dead as if the spirit has left the body, for years I battled with this not knowing where my spirit had left and how to get it back, and that is when I started to connect with the greater spirit and called up my Self back, now it is back alive and kicking and refuses to be pushed around any more, sometimes even I am amazed when it absolutely stands up against something I'd want to take the easy way out of, it is a riotous spirit!

Once the core is back in place, the machine finds its rythm back again naturally, that would be a spirit-based plan to recovery! Now each time I feel my self falling apart I know the fastest way back, plugging into my core, and allow it take care of it all, and it does, I only have to allow! So rest assured the only job of healing one has to do is an humble act of prayer, flung to the heavens, otherwise trying to heal humanly is a long walk home, especially because its backwards, as it connects with the spirit in the end, when every thing else is seemingly in place, so I feel the shortest way home, is to allow life to handle our healing only we begin to trust again, and THAT is the only journey we need to make, and for that the first step is forgiveness of the self, because somewhere we also hold it responsible for letting it happen to us, so we block it off as well, but healing begins only when we open ourselves up to the Universe, and soon it sends so many mediums to heal us and bring life back into us, it also bring back love into us, as life is nothing but that. So, Universe awaits for us in patience, to allow it to heals us, as in our healing lies the healing to the Universe itself, as after all, it resides in me too, just as it does in everyone else, including you!

So letting go, and let it be healed seems like the mantra to me, though it is easier said than done, though on second thoughts, may today be a new day, when ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, especially in these times, when it really feels like it as well!