Sharing with you the symptoms that I have had

[MikeNY]

This is just the tip of the iceberg of what I went through because of that fucking scumbag:
I was instantly numb, confused and had no idea of what to do when it first happened. Shortly after that, I felt like I had a heart attack, for two weeks it felt like I had cement blocks on my chest. I couldnt feel my own heartbeat or pulse for months. I literally cried for weeks, maybe months. There were times where I felt like I would rather die than so much as hurt the perps feelings, but I am far too intelligent for suicide, and any thoughts of it passed relatively quickly. Since then, I have had nightmares where I am physically restrained and forced to watch someone be raped. I have had flashbacks, cought myself being aroused by them, and then vomited repeatedly and profusely. On multiple occasions, the thought of the perp and what went on has made me vomit. The sight of the perp makes me physically ill. I have had physical fear reactions to people who I have known and trusted for years. My skin would crawl in their presence. I would have small panick attacks and have to get the hell away from my trusted friends. I lost almost 100 pounds. I have had almost uncontrollable hatred and rage toward the perp. For the first time in my life I have absolutely no compasssion or empathy toward someone. I have lain in bed curled up in a fetal position shaking uncontrollably with a heavy comforter over me suffering cold sweats in 90 degree weather. I take scalding hot showers now. My bathtub is caked with soap and skin. I go through a full bar of soap every 3 days. Thanks to the perp, the very thought of anyone touching me in any way made my skin crawl for 3 fucking years. Getting a hug from a friend or a family member was complete torture. I couldn't stand even the thought of a handshake. I have zero tolerance for any bullshit from anyone. I have had countless other reactions to this.

 

[reality2k4]

Mike, it's good for you to get this out. My feelings were about the same as yours, boiling baths, frightmares, crying, yes, every night for at least months curled up like a baby. Now I find it very hard to cry, since a 14yo I told myself not to do it, so I can't use natures way of letting it out.

You are strong enough to do it Mike, we all are,

take care of you,

ste

 

[Mike Church]

MIke it is a completly natural thing to feel.

In my case once I became a hustler I wallowed in filth because that was where I belonged. And I guess that the clients wanted me that way. Why I did not die of some horrible disease I will never know. I still have trouble brushin my teeth. The thought of putting anything in my mouth that was not food or drink makes me recoil even now. On the other hand my dentist knows about my past and I trust him completely. Go figure.

 

[dwf]

Dear Mike,

It is really heartbreaking for me to hear you talk about the things that you have experienced as a result of the sexual abuse you endured.

My heart goes out to you.

If it is any help to you at all, you are being heard here by someone who understands the sorrow and confusion brought on by sexual abuse.

Offering comfort and solace to victims of sexual abuse, like us, is a difficult thing. The results of the abuse make me shy away from contact or closeness.

I am sure that this is why MaleSurvivor is such a safe place for so many of us. I can come here, be heard and receive comfort and compassion that does not hurt me or scare me the way it would if it were face to face.

I am sending you my thoughts of comfort and understanding. You will never have to go through that nightmare again; and you never have to suffer through these painful aftereffects alone.

I'm glad that you shared this today. It has reminded me of how fortunate I am to have found a safe place to express my most difficult emotions with loving men who understand.

Take good care of yourself, Mike. You deserve love, comfort and kindness every day.

Regards,

 

[andrew51]

Mike, I wish there was a way to just wave a magic wand and make the pain go away. You have suffered and did nothing to bring about this pain. You are a survivor and deserve all the good things the world has to offer. You will find happiness and closure one day. I am confident in your strength and the strength of the gentlemen in this forum. Peace, Andrew

 

[Leosha]

It is amazing, all of the physical and psychological affects the abuse has on all of us. And how, despite the differences of our abuse situations, how similar the afteraffects are. Reading what you posted, I could think, yes, have felt that to, have had that to, and just really feel so much of the pain that you seem to still be feeling. I wish something could make it better, or as Andrew said, wave a magic wand and make it go away. You are a strong man, and you have been taking this 'head on' for quite a while now. Please try to take care of yourself and your needs at this time.

leosha

 

[RICK57]

Mike - I understand so much of what you mention.

Recently I made a statement against my abuser - in that statement I said that the first people I told were 3 of my friends at a 'strippers' night.

The police asked if they would support my statement (confirming what I was like that night) - I was terrified that they wouldn't (although knowing that they would) & they all agreed to make statements. Weeks before, one of my friends had said that I should stop cutting at myself and let it go (before I reported the abuse to the police).

On the night that they agreed to support my statement, I had my first nightmare for ages! I was just a little kid again & I was picking flowers and running towards an adult. Each time I bent down to pick the flowers, there were 3 people runnning towards me and stabbing me with knives....there was blood everywhere, but I never strayed from my task. When I looked up. I was always on a cliff top and terrified of falling. I managed to pick the flowers and take them to the adult...that's when I woke up in a sweat.

I think I understand what my mind was working through. My inner child may be cut to pieces, but he has a chance to be an adult now!

My perp - well he knows what hell is now anyway.