Sharing Why I Don't Want to Share

Sharing Why I Don't Want to Share
John,

I understand about not wanting to share the PTSD stuff. I have one kid who wakes up from a nightmare and needs to tell the whole thing the next morning (once we are out of doors in the sun)-- and one kid who just wants a hug, because putting the dream into words makes it more powerful and scary to her.

I had very bad postpartum depression, with vivid nightmares and obsessive thoughts. I was unwilling to share about this because I didn't want to spread that kind of poison around my young family-- also I was afraid that people would think I was an unnatural parent or that I wanted to hurt my baby. Some of the memories from that time are still with me-- but they don't have power over me anymore. Once I was able to see my fear disproved-- I am not a bad parent, and my family loves me enough to weather a bad day-- things got better.

Maybe once you and your wife have gotten past some of the road blocks naturally, the stuff that looms large for you today won't seem like such a burden to share.

SAR
 
SAR -
the stuff that looms large for you today won't seem like such a burden to share.
Click to expand...
That day may come sooner, rather than later as I meet with the Nurse Practitioner one week from today to discuss meds for the PTSD stuff. I am very much looking forward to being on an even keel, it will be a whole new world to me, truly.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time with postpartum, I hear exercise and vitamins work well with that ;) Next time that baby needs a hug in the middle of the night, give an extra little squeeze from me. Peace - John
 
Dear all

Re-reading this post (still laughing about Larry being doomed to commenting the superbowl forever on this website :D ) kind of few things came into my mind.

First, I tried to reassess this thing about sharing details of the abuse. I tried to understand why this thread has been so much in the back of my head lately.
I feel if V shares with me I will provide a useful support and if I carry this load with him, then it will be less heavy for him to carry. I guess it can be call "wanting to take the pain away for him and letting him know that I love him so totally that I can hear everything".
I also feel (because I experienced it the other way around) that this sharing would tremendously help sorting out the trust issue and create a new alliance between us.
Same with PTSD. I have spoken with V once in a full PTSD crisis. I was there for him but was totally blown away by the intensity of the anger/paranoia plus state of shock he was in. On the phone it is difficult to react properly and we never had a chance to discuss what happened and why I was suddenly left feeling like a target.
It was the second big time I was stuck against a wall in terms of communication.
As a partner, I got several times in situations were I was just unable to decide what to say, because I would sense V was in this in between: wanting to tell and not wanting to tell (I am not talking about details of the abuse there but general issues about the abuse). Whatever I tried failed miserably and at some point anything was too risky anyway and was rejected by silence, anger, criticism, or mysterious half truths.
So in conclusion, it is true that male survivors must decide whatever is best for them but too much "in betweens" has also a strong impact on how the partner can initiate communication.

As a survivor,suffering from PTSD (extremely severe when I started to recover my shattered memories of the abuse) I have noticed patterns that got shorter as therapy went by. I would describe the cycle as:
1) trigger
2) dissociation
3) blurry period , feeling very detached
4) trigger to get back to my self
5) HUGE WAVE of emotions: including crying, panick attacks, memories, suicidal feelings, powerlessness, wanting to push everybody away (especially the closest friends I have)
6) Exhaustion
7) Back to normal (whatever that is).
These days, this cycle is very short (like 3 days) but right at the beginning, it could go on for weeks from trigger 1 to feeling the emotions.

Sorry, I feeling like I am throwing ideas here but the point is..........
punt !


;)
 
Caetel - During the past two years of recovery efforts, i.e. reading lots about CSA and its affects, Counseling, therapy, talking, talking, talking, writing, writing, writing, I have been better able to identify what's going on with me. Of course I've had all the signs and symptoms from a very early age, I just didn't make the connection to my abuse nor could I articulate to myself or others what I was going through. I just thought I was nuts.

But now, through educating myself and those around me, especially my wife, I am able to see what I'm going through and my wife is starting to see things more clearly too. Now she understand that I have no choice in when I become distant. But now she knows that it's not about trying to be distant from her, mostly it's about having to get out of my own head. When the PTSD kicks into high gear, it is clearly visible on my face, so much tension, pursed lips, I can feel the difference and others can see it.

So by learning and understanding, I can go through whatever I need to go through and she doesn't take it personally. She allows the space I need, most of the time, and is more caring and nurturing than she had been until recently. We are evolving together, as we should, just with stuff that no one should ever have to learn about.

I very much identify with the cycle you describe. I'm going to try to keep it in mind while going through it as a reminder of where I am at that point and where I'm headed. For me, this last bout lasted about 3 weeks, then just as I was coming out of it I was triggered badly over the weekend and found myself back there, fighting to get out again. I am emerging slowly, but emerging. Thanks again for your input. I'm happy this has been so thought provoking. - John
 
I just told my wife the details that I was comfortable with, and as time & therapy went on I did reveal a bit more. But it's never been full-on graphic revalations. I just sensed that she knew all she needed to know and left it at that.

Since then however I have used my black humour at times and said things that certainly indicate exactly what 11yo David experienced.
But I admit that I do cuss a lot and she's used to it after all these years, so some of my more colourful expressions aren't exactly a surprise to her any more. :o

I think that now, if she asked, I could fairly easily tell her exactly what happened, but it's taken time and more importantly my changeing attitude towards the physical events that took place, the sex itself barely matters to me any more, but the emotional and psychological still matter a great deal.
I'd probably have more problem now describing the emotional and psychological effects than the sexual stuff.

I guess it comes down to whatever the individual feels comfortable with, although I do believe we should push our comfort zones as well.

Dave
 
Guize,
I know I am far late in adding to this thread -- but it has been so thought provoking for me I feel I must add my own experience as well.

First of all I understand the original posting as being the "Tension of Opposites" so often felt not only during the healing process, but just even seemingly "little things" life throws my/our way.

something so huge Hubby shared with me at one point shortly after disclosing his recovery of memories of the very violent abuse from his 2nd abuser who was a teen.

Hubby said that as he so faithfully supported me during my own crisis healing times, he felt that his own abuse was "minimal" compared to mine. I trusted Hubby so much that I gave him details without thinking of HOW it would or could effect / affect HIS own abuse issues. Of course at the time neither of us knew of his very violent attacks by the teen neighbor (but his body remembered).

At the time his memories consisted of his father "rescuing him" during the attack as he was just a small 5 yr old. Which greatly impacted the outcome of how he responded to THAT particular attack.

What he said to me later as he disclosed WHY he rarely talked about his OWN abuse issues made the original post in this thread make complete sense to me. -- Hubby did NOT want to add to my own trauma, and he felt his own trauma was "nothing".

So, by my inadvertantly giving details even tho' they were minimal to so much of my own trauma, it was HUGE to him -- the woman he Loved so much and cared so much about, HE could see me as a child , so defenseless -- something I could not see for my own self, as I still often feel as an adult even to this day when dealing with the SA trauma.

When he shared during his recovered memories -- I found myself feeling that HIS trauma was MUCH Bigger and MORE traumatiic than my own, and I could see him as a small defenseless little boy, yet he was still feeling he was an adult at the time of the attacks.

To this day, we do share small bytes of our abuse trauma and we know neither of us have given ALL the details to ANY of the T's we have participated with. It is almost as if it is that portion of our lives are spoken in a sort of "code" -- and as Dave said some of ours comes out with lots of cussing, and very dark disgusting humor. I know that this is very ok language for the 2 of us -- a survival tool that still works for us to this day. Much of the cursing for me has toned down, and most of my " Sarcastic sexualizing statements" have disappeared. I am beginning to hear some of that "sarcastic sexualization talk" from hubby now, but I think it is healthy to some degree as it is a way for his anger to be expressed, and it is shared only between the 2 of us.

The language is not demeaning to women, but rather a "hatred" or "anger" at certain sexual acts that occurred during the abuse. AND it is only kept or spoken when we are together without anyone else around.

Hubby shares now that more and more he is confronting the "guys" he works with when they make sexually demeaning statements about females, mostly by simply saying "Would you want someone saying that about your wife or daughter?" -- He says that normally the men stop dead in their tracks faces gasping , then they walk away with a body language of shame....

No, I personally don't want anyone to know the exact details of ALL that happened -- it is easier for me to be very clinical with my language to explain or talk to my T about my abuse.
Needless to say, I feel horrified that I put images into my spouses mind that will never leave him...

Knowing the details he shared with me about his abuse I am careful to be cautious about my response. Mostly I have to bite my tongue and the insides of my cheeks to keep from expressing right then and there how much VIOLENCE I want to exact upon his violent abuser.... but at times we do chat up what we fantasize about how to injure our abusers -- but only during emotionally "safe time" for us to do so....

Our Tension of Opposites is a Torture and Blessing all in one --- we don't HAVE to guess what the exact details are , we each lived them. But we are BLESSED that we also already KNOW how much the pain really is and how much it Effed us up all in one....

So, so many times as we watch an emotion evoking movie or read a news article etc .... we each may see each other crying at the same time -- and we already know and not one word needs to be spoken, we reach out hold hands and "Just Be".

A form of support for each other, that a rare Therapist could ever begin to fill.

Peace and Thank You for allowing me to visit an important part of my relationship with Hubby that went Uncelebrated and Appreciated ....

Sammy
 
Wow, John.
I am new to the post - husband is really coming to terms with the things that happened to him as boy, I believe. It hasn't been discussed between us yet but I know this is what's happening. He is so very depressed.

Anyway, I want to thank you for your post because I believe that if my hubby was at the point of sharing anything with me, it would be your exact words. They were so powerful, so powerful. You have no idea how you just helped me try to understand what is beginning to happen under my roof as of this past week. Those words really do help provide strength to deal with his pain and the occasional pushing away that happens and to reassure him that i am here for him whether he thinks so or not.

passion
 
somehow for me giving details helped make it real for me ,it brought me out of denial ,while i have no one close to talk to giving details here and some to my new t has helped me understand so much about myself ,it took my abuse from a fuzzy hated memory to something real that i can work on . i think anytime a survivor does give details it is to try to explain better the things we think and do or don't do in the present .one example ,i have a major problem with the act of kissing ,something that would seem simple to do right? due to my abuser holding my head and forcing his tongue into my mouth ,if i had a wife or girlfriend i think this would be upsetting to them if i refused to kiss them or acted like it was yuck.but if i explained my reasons for it ,wouldn't that be better for them ,than to think i just didn't want to kiss her? don't family and friends wonder over some of the crazy things we as survivors do . giving details could explain so much . adam
 
Shadowkid

You said

"don't family and friends wonder over some of the crazy things we as survivors do . giving details could explain so much"

This relates to an important thing I've learned over the past months. If he doesn't like it / doesn't want to do, I respect that much without question. Maybe its something he doesn't even know himself yet (ie; why he doesn't like it) maybe his memories havn't given themselves up and its just a body memory.
Whatever... I've learned about respecting a survivor. I thought I knew but I've learned so much more.

When you meet someone you want to be close with I hope you demand similar respect. Yes it might help to know the details but only if you want to or can share them.

Love

T
 
Wow, another thread that speaks directly to so much of what I've been going through.

Personally, I can't imagine being effected in any other way than wanting to reach out to someone who's suffered abuse, no matter how much or how little details are given. The images in my head created by details or my own imagination are not ones that over-burden me. Or at least not in a way that interferes with fealing a witness -- as in to "stand in witness" -- a silent embracing of tragedy, a vigile, something that I feel all tragedy deserves, and something that all who have experienced tragedy need.

Yes, the partner might feel traumatized by details of abuse, but I'd imagine the only thing that the partner needs is recognition, or mutual standing in witness, of the ways in which we're all traumatized by the tragedies in life.

In other words, many survivors avoid traumatizing their partners with their stories, when really, in most cases, it seems to me that the issues is more one of being mutually courageous to confrong tragedy, mutually supportive, mutually empathic, and willing to share the burden of holding life's tragedies, no matter from where it comes.

Adam,

It seems to me that the example you site about kissing and how this might effect a partner would depend on the partner's sensitivity to feeling rejected, their personal need for confirmation, their need to express and experience personal closeness and connection, and how they feel when those needs are not met: do they feel they're being rejected personally, do these feeling provoke fears of abandonment, etc....

And it also seems to me that it depends a lot on how the survivor deals with these feelings themselves: do they own it, or do they blame the partner, attributing to the partner characteristics or reasons why they have dificulty expressing emotional affection of a variety of sorts? And not necessarily verbally, but just in action, in coldness, aloofness, avoidance, etc.... And all without explanation of any sort. But I don't think details of a specific act is necessary, just aknowledgement that the survivor finds certain expressions of physical closeness difficult for their own reasons which have nothing to do with the personal characteristics of their partner.

I agree that such matters cannot be left to the imagination of the partner, but merely an indication of the source allows the partner to not take on the responsibility of the lack of physical expression.

Personally, and this is indeed my own personal feelings, I would want to be "told" the details to some degree. I put "told" in quotes because there's a felt difference between "being told" and having someone SHARE, sharing is a mutual process, "being told" is not always a mutual act.
-------------------

At any rate, this feeling on the part of the survivor that sharing harms the partner is one that touches me deeply, in part because it shows concern for the partner, in part because it hurts to hear how people keep this all locked inside, and mostly because of the fear that simply sharing one's self is traumtic to others. What a heavy burden to bear.

There's a short story written by Flannery O'Connor in which a young man walks by a children's theater everyday, his only joy in life is experiencing the joy of the children. He feels this to be such a great gift that he wants to give something back in return, so one day he puts on a Gorilla's outfit and buys a bunch of balloons for all the children. He's so excited that he finally has the perfect gift to give in gratitude for all the days he's rejoyced in the children's joy.

Of course, when the children see this frightening Gorilla come their way, they run away in fear. They couldn't see the balloons, only the Gorilla.

I must feel horrible to feel the Gorilla, even when others see the balloons.

Katie
 
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