Sharing Why I Don't Want to Share

Sharing Why I Don't Want to Share
S

Sinking

Registrant
To All of the Loving Family and Friends - If I was a survivor, which I am, and you were my loved ones, I would want you to know the following:

It's a nearly impossible balance to achieve. I want to be alone with my misery and my thoughts, but I don't want to be alone.

I want you to be here with me, near me, but not really with me. That doesn't sound right, doesn't make sense. I want you here and me here but I don't want to be together. Because being together means having to share and I don't want to share with you because what I have to share these days could end up making you feel like I do. And haven't I hurt you enough already?

And would you really want to know what the monsters did to that little boy? Or is leaving you to your imagination worse? I doubt it, knowing the truth as I do.

So I don't keep my distance because I don't like you or because I don't like being with you or even because I want to be alone. I'm trying to spare you my personal horrors...because I Love You. - John
 
Hey John,

Sorry you are having such a dark time.

I think I get what you are saying about sharing-- it is about power too-- the secret is YOURS to control. The benevolence of not sharing a terrible secret is yours to give your loved ones. I know my partner is still blown away at times, years after his disclosure, at the thought that something that was "just his" for so long is now out in the world-- despite the positive effects.

And would you really want to know what the monsters did to that little boy? Or is leaving you to your imagination worse? I doubt it, knowing the truth as I do.
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John, is this what you want to tell her? Or is it something she's asking for? Because I will tell you as one who loves-- I think my partner assumes that my desire to hear this is much greater than it really is. I've certainly never asked, although I would be happy to sit and listen to whatever he needed to get out.

And I'll be honest-- what I want him to share is about today, and tomorrow. I only care about the past as far as it helps him with doing okay now. And I do think that partners and family who have been through some really dark times CAN let their imagination about the future paint a picture that is worse than reality.

I hope things brighten up for you soon, John, and that you will be able to enjoy the holidays with those people who truly love and support you.

SAR
 
John,
I'm thinking that maybe you have to trust those closest to you. Maybe lean on them a little. They are probably stronger than you think. Watching you suffer probably hurts them more than hearing what you need to share. Take care John. Peace, Andrew
 
John,

I think those closest to you would want you to tell them whatever it is you feel you need to say in order to help you offload the negative feelings you have about yourself. Talking is very empowering, and while partners and friends usually don't NEED to know a lot of details, saying something is often useful to give them an idea of what you have endured. In my case, I found that not being able to talk about it made me feel even more guilty, ashamed and tainted by what had happened.

Much love,
Larry
 
John,

Because being together means having to share and I don't want to share with you because what I have to share these days could end up making you feel like I do. And haven't I hurt you enough already?
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My b/f could have written this. It's what he's told me time and again. What I've told him in response is that nothing he could tell me would change the man I see and the man I love today.

I'm with SAR in that I don't ask for the details, I don't need them, unless my b/f chooses to tell them to me, then I will listen. My imagination conjures up horrible things, but they are no more or less horrible than what actually happened. That is what you have to deal with and thats what hurts you. What hurts me is that I cant make it even a little better unless you let me in. We do our best to be there knowing full well that our survivors dont let us all the way in. Youre right, its an almost impossible balance from both sides of the equation. The only hope I have is that my b/f keeps trying and for as long as he is trying, then I too will try to find that balance.

We take all the good that comes our way and embrace it for as long as we can because that good is what sustains us through the rough patches. My b/f is a wonderful man who had horrible things happen to him as a child. Thats what all of you are. You are wonderful men NOW. This is what we see.

Youre memories are yours, but the pain you suffer today is also ours because we love you and we are willing to take on part of that pain as our own in order to make both of us whole.

Im so sorry that youre having a rough time John. Look to the people who love you and just hang on until you can do more. Im certain they will be glad to hold you up for a while.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
John

Thankyou for that post. It must be hard even sharing that much, so thankyou.

For me the horror is the pain, the fear and the shame that he lives with today.

Whatever the details are they have had a terrible consequence and I'll do my best to love him through it and out to the other side.

Lots of love to you John.

Tracy
 
Funny, somehow I didn't expect responses to this post...I was really only trying to allow a look inside how we survivors might feel but not be able to tell you. Funnier yet, I haven't even shown my wife what I wrote, and I wrote it to her to begin with. We are a complex bunch, aren't we? Anyway, thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

These things, these details are things I have refused to share with my wife. She has agreed to hear them but she doesn't want to. They are horrors I prefer to keep to myself. However, both therapists have strongly suggested that sharing would ease the burden on me. I just can't fathom telling her what they did and what they made me do. Not to mention the concerns we both have about repercussions in our own intimate life.

But the details are not really what I was addressing in the original post. I was talking about today and the private little hell I have going on. About the impending sense of doom that many PTSD sufferers feel. Some days I just KNOW I'm going to die some sort of horrible death. Of course it doesn't happen, but when the feeling is there is is so damned real. The anxiety I feel from the PTSD, the racing heart, racing mind, images passing by at 100 miles an hour. These things I don't want to share either. They are mine to shoulder, no one else should have to know what it's like, no one. We both look to a brighter future. We both can see the changes in me, in her, in us. We know we're headed for better but these road blocks suck!

Anyway, thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. They mean lots more than I can say - Peace - John
 
John

Whatever you share with her she'll have feelings about it and my guess is those feelings won't be good but she won't feel what you feel because she didn't go through what that little boy went through.

I so hope you can believe you are not going to die. Keep telling it yourself. Tell yourself the truth outloud.

Love

Tracy
 
Tracy - Thank you. And, thankfully, I don't feel the impending doom today, like the anxiety and the depression that follows, it seems to come in waves and goes away, well, whenever. I have several different relaxation and breathing exercises that help, although that is usually pretty short-lived. But today is better and all of you here can take some credit for that. Wishing you Peace - John
 
i guess we all have different ways to get by ,one thing i know is i would give anything just to have someone i could talk to at all . having a loved one who understands must be so great .
 
wanted to add that for me i think talking ,even here helps me , it is like i need to get out every detail just to get it out of my head ,but i don't want pity i just need to get it out .
 
Shadow - Even when you don't have someone to talk to, you can still get it out. I have found writing, just letting words flow onto paper, is a great release. You might be surpirsed what types of feelings and thoughts drain out of you. Stay strong, keep coming here and sharing. Peace - John
 
John,

Just a few things:

On the PTSD, proper medication, which differs from case to case, DOES help. I LIVED in a state of perpetual feelings of impending doom and dread until I got that right.

You said this concerning other things and I wanted to comment if I may:

They are horrors I prefer to keep to myself. However, both therapists have strongly suggested that sharing would ease the burden on me. I just can't fathom telling her what they did and what they made me do. Not to mention the concerns we both have about repercussions in our own intimate life.
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Of course you have to do what you feel comfortable with, or what feels possible for you. But these tidbits fester and grow specifically BECAUSE we keep them pent up. It becomes a spiral: We keep the secret because we feel ashamed and guilty, but then keeping the secret makes us feel more ashamed and guilty.

None of this stuff is your fault John. NONE. And it's not just you. Intimacy problems? Come help me write the book!

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry - Thank you for your thoughts but I think I may have given the wrong impression. The reason I don't want to share these things with anyone is because why should anyone who doesn't have to, have images in their heads of a grown man molesting a boy? I have to, there's no way around that. But my wife doesn't need to know these things. She doesn't need to have those thoughts in her head while we are being intimate, never mind any other time of day. So it's not about guilt or shame. It's about the most reprehensible acts being played out on the boy that my wife met just a couple of years after the abuse ended. I don't want to make it any more real for her than it already is.

And thanks for the added support. While I realize on an intellectual level that none of this is my fault, as you know too well, on an emotional level it's quite another thing indeed.

Peace - John
 
Dear John

Thank you for sharing so much and it really helped me understand stuff about V, same dynamic really. Thank you for putting words in stuff I did not understand at all.
Have you ever shared with your wife your fears of sharing stuff that she could not handle ? May be she will have the answer whether she has prepared herself for the worse and can handle it or she thought about it and would prefer not to know ?

Now,careful MAY TRIGGER
In my own experience, my intuition more than my wild imagination led me to think first that V's mother performed oral sex on him and then maybe full sexual intercourse though he always kept the whole abuse as "just" fondling. He never told me and I realize I never told him that I was ready to handle the worst and that it doesn't change a bit the way I feel about him or the way I look at him. Difficult really to decide what to say and when.
On the other hand, as a survivor, he is the only one with whom I shared details of my own abuse, because at that moment I needed to, I so totally needed to share this with him. I don't know what he had imagined but it looked to me that what I told him was much worse than he had imagined. I think this is why afterwards he tried to protect me from his own pain. But then, he decided for me that I wasn't able to handle sharing his pain too.
So what's right ? Don't know. Follow our feelings ? Yeah ! Kind of a strange thing to say to a survivor with mixed up feelings !!!! So may be be in the present and say whatever seems right in the present.
Thank you again for your post
Love
Caro
 
John, Caro,

While I was in the States I saw an entirely new T, Sharon. My friend Beth recommended her and I decided I would disclose to my parents at her office, in an environment where a professional person would be able to lead the discussion and help us out at crucial points. My sister Cathie and I went in to see her first, then my parents arrived a half hour later.

In that half hour with Sharon I had an amazing experience. She put me at ease immediately, which stunned me, and suggested some things about disclosure that I had never previously thought about or discussed with my T here in Germany.

Her main theme was "credibility", by which she meant not telling a believable story, but providing enough information to form a coherent picture. She felt that in order to provide this for my parents I should, if at all possible, give them details like:

1. what age I was
2. how long the abuse continued
3. was it only one abuser
4. was it one time, a few, or many
5. who the abuser was and is he still alive
6. some general idea of "what happened"

She did stress, however, that the information was mine, and I and I alone had to decide what I could say.

Nos. 4, 5, and 6 were very difficult for me, and when I was coming out of denial (is that what one calls it?) it took me six months before I could tell Cathie who had abused me - I just could not write or pronounce the name. In the end, with the help and support of Cathie and Sharon, I was able to say who it was. I had another week with the family, and so the other outstanding points came out as I began to feel more comfortable, safe and trusting of their reaction.

The point here is that the T tried to get me to see that unless I provided a kind of minimum of information, my parents would not have a clear framework that would allow THEM to process what had happened to me and relate to me effectively on these issues. She also made it clear that withholding any of this basic information would lead them to obsess, fret and speculate. John, I guess in a way she was addressing your question of whether it is better for the person to know - at least generally - what happened, or let imagination take flight. Sharon was trying to get me to understand that how I saw this would be very different from how my parents saw it.

My case had to do with disclosing to parents, but what Sharon told me also seems relevant to the case of what a spouse knows, or should be told. Doesn't a spouse also need a credible framework, as Sharon was using the term "credible", in order to play an effective role in her partner's recovery? In my case the point is moot, since my wife already knows just about everything - and I'm glad she does.

Maybe spouses/partners here can tell us what they think of this. On a different thread SAR said (if I recall this correctly) that she doesn't need to know more about the past than what her partner needs to disclose in order to make progress now and in the future. What do others think?

>>>>>punt to Caro, Trish, Tracy, Riviera, Beautiful Disaster, et al. :)

Much love,
Larry
 
Caro,

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, what to say? In American football you have four tries ("downs") to advance 10 yards. If you do, then you get another 4 tries, and so on until you reach the end of the field and score. If you DON'T make it in four tries, then the ball goes over to the other side and they get four tries to advance 10 yards against you, and so on.

If a team doesn't make the ten yards in three tries, then at their fourth try they are facing the possibility of losing the ball to the other team if they don't make it. Rather than risk that, on "fourth down" the team will kick the ball to the other team so they have a really long distance to go before they can score. That kick is a "punt".

So "punt to..." is a way of saying okay, finished here, over to you people to have a go.

God, me as a footbal commentator on Male Survivor. That is so sad... ;)

Much love,
Larry
 
Hooray for the punt question. Interesting.

I've not an awful lot to say about this thread about how much to disclose to partners, it sort of perplexes me. Of all the things I think about in terms of this journey I find myself on, the details of what happened to him don't feature.

If he decides he wants to tell me about it that matters. That matters a great deal.... but other than that it almost feels as if I don't care what the details are.
Maybe this is one of those things that is unique to each partnership but in the first instance when D's memories were sketchy he worried that people would say "is that all that happened to you?"

Right from the begginning, the details didn't feel important because it was how he felt and the look on his face when he talked, that made me just KNOW that this man had been totally traumatised.

Hope this helps. Feel free to tell me if I'm missing something. I'm always ready to learn.

Love

Tracy
 
Caetel - Yes, I have told her why I don't want to share and she is very apprehensive about hearing details. She has expressed her willingness to hear them, if I think it will be helpful to me.

The reason it came up to begin with (because I NEVER had any intention of sharing details) is because my old therapist suggested that, when we are children we are supposed to go home each day and be able to say 'This is what happened today, this is what I did'. But I was never able to do that and still couldn't/can't. So my T thought it would help to lessen my burden by sharing it with my wife. With this one exception, I have tried everything the therapist has suggested. But we've kind of gotten sidetracked. My original post was addressing the PTSD symptoms I experience today and the place I go when I dissociate. That can be a pretty dark place, a place I'd rather not take her to. I'd rather put on my 'brave face' and carry on as best I can.

Thanks to all you Family and Friends who have contributed here. I hope that is of some help to you in understanding 'us'. - John
 
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